I'm not a real person yet

Sometimes I feel like I’m not a whole human because I’m asexual.
I keep getting myself into discussions about whether or not sexuality is important, and why some people feel the need to flaunt theirs as if it’s their only important personality trait.

It makes me feel incomplete, like I’m missing something and that’s why I’m not able to comprehend it.

I wish I could stop feeling this way. I need to learn to be okay with who I am, but I can’t help feel like I’m missing out.
Maybe I would be happier if I had therapy again, and worked harder at becoming okay with sex. Maybe it would be easier to relate to people and find a partner if I was able to understand their “needs”?

I feel sad that, at this point, seem to never be able to understand such a basic thing. I feel dumb and like less of a person, and at the same time, I feel angry that trauma might have caused this. I feel mad at my traumatizer, and I feel mad at myself for not getting help for it.

What should I do?


Don’t worry it’s not your fault. Have you ever done therapy :question:

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I did therapy about it a few years ago, but the therapist was more concerned with helping me figure out my gender preference and getting my backstory.

I don’t need help figuring out my gender preference, I need help being okay with sex, and lessening the effects of the trauma. So I quit after 8 or 9 sessions.


I remember that you said your father is a psychologist. He can recommend you a good therapist which can help you with past trauma…

I’m not asexual, but I kind of get what your saying about not feeling like a real person. I would say perhaps try therapy again. I’m sorry you have endured such trauma.

Only you can decide if it’s worth it to work on becoming okay with sex.


My father lives an another country :confused:

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But I think you are a real person, I don’t think I’m talking with gosts, right :question:


I think that when i placed too much importance on sex and choosing who to date based on superficial things like physical beauty and sexual attraction over personality and friendship, it just ended up with me making poor decisions.
You seem very real to me. I don’t think you are lacking in personality at all.


Maybe you look at sex like a child - thinking What is all this difference, it looks like nonsense to me.


Sorry about trauma, but sex with people is not the same, at least sex with different categories of people feels different,
You should find the right person and that will solve the problem, even it can erase the trauma,
Having sex with “sir Issac Newton”, is not like having sex with a filthy human,

Hope you find the right one,


You amaze me everytime @aliali Keep it going :smile:


I’m asexual as well. And I want you to know you are no less of a person for being asexual. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on sex. But really when it comes to relationships it’s not necessary.

You shouldn’t have to change something like that to try to make other people happy.

You need to try to focus on learning to love yourself and yes therapy to help with trauma is a good thing to do.

This is not something you should force on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with not being ok with sex. Don’t try to force yourself to be ok with it. It will only make things worse.

You are a person I’m sorry you’re feeling like less. Sex doesn’t make you whole. You are already complete.


My therapist always wants to talk about my sexual trauma and how it relates to my transgender state…I try to tell her there is no relationship, it’s who I am, and just because I avoid sex doesn’t make it pathological. She just keeps nagging over it even tho it’s not a big deal to me.
I often have the feeling of being incomplete or unreal but it’s not related to my non-existent sex life…sometimes the therapist doesn’t get it.


Having sex does not make you more of a person. An orgasm produces transient physiological and mental changes. Emphasis on transient. After you cum you go back to being your old miserable self again. Not something more. You take a hit of dopamine, get a rush, then it deescalates and disappears. And unless you are an addict you find other things more interesting afterward.

As for sex being important because it enriches relationships, I personally believe there are other satisfying forms of physical contact and intimacy you can have in a relationship. Like cuddling, kissing, having a nice conversation etc…going on adventures together and having fun! Those things shouldn’t be underappreciated, just because body fluids are not being exchanged. So, if you see being in a relationship as important to your life and mental health, then try and find someone without an interest in sexual intercourse who is interested in other ways of relating to you. Intimacy does not always entail sex.

For some people, the most intense part of a relationship is things like being bonded emotionally, going through struggles together, supporting each other emotionally or financially, giving each other gifts etc.

Even romantic relationships may not make you happier either. How many people are in relationships and are completely miserable? Quite a few. Some of them feel like you, empty and incomplete. There is no meaning to their life. Maybe they act out and cheat thinking that was what they were missing. When the thrill is gone they are back to square one.

having sex when you don’t enjoy it just to maintain a relationship is kind of sad.

Is all a person needs to be happy in their life just a good nut? If it were that simple sex workers and the oversexed rock stars would not turn to drug abuse or suicide…but they do.


The late Stephen Hawking was most likely not a sex machine, being physically disabled. Yet he lived a full life, being married many times and enjoying the company of his wives. So they overcame the need in their relationship for crazy animal sex all the time like able bodied people are wont to do, and found satisfaction in the ways they could. I have no specific’s about the man’s sex life.

you might be desensitized to romance. you’ll know if you need someone in your life.

I’m capable of having romantic emotions.
I just don’t want to have sex with anyone, not even when I’ve been in long relationships


I’m happy because it is a negative thing, even here many people suffer a lot because they don’t have a partner and sex while I don’t care and I’m already satisfied.

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You seem very worried about your asexuality. Since you are so worried, I’m in agreement with you that therapy might be appropriate.

Myself, I have been bisexual all of my life. However, today, I am an asexual celibate. And I’m not one bit worried about it. I don’t need therapy. This is my active choice to be this way. I do it both because my many psych meds make me asexual, and also for religious purposes.


@berru I think trying to force yourself to enjoy sex will only make things worse. It will retraumatize you every time you try to push yourself to like sex. If you do decide to go to therapy for sexuality issues, maybe you should focus on learning how to love yourself as an asexual person, rather than trying to force yourself to change to fit some other person’s idea of what a person should be like. LGBT+ folks have been struggling with the idea of self love for ages. I think part of why it annoys you when someone makes their whole identity about their sexual preference is because you’ve been taught by everyone around you that your sexual preference is wrong, or a disease. It isn’t wrong. There is nothing to fix. It’s just who you are, the same as straight people are just who they are and gay people are just who they are. You’re a whole person and you can find love without sex if that’s what you truly want in life.