I was at work today, smiling at everyone and saying hello, then suddenly, my strongest delusion started creeping back up, out of nowhere. I realized I was not one of the human beings, and I am not fit to interact with them. They are creatures of light, and I know only death and destruction. I know it’s a delusion, and I thought that would be enough to make it go away. I was apparently wrong. The longer I stood there, and the more people I interacted with, the greater the differences appeared. I had to leave after an hour. I was worried I would scream if I didn’t get away from all the good humans immediately, and then I doubt I’d have a job waiting for me when I got back.
This is the day my dad died, so I should have expected it would be rough, but it kind of crept up on me. I just started feeling horrible and paranoid for no discernible reason, and it was only after seeing the date that everything made sense. I would think that after nine freaking years I would be able to handle it better, but I am apparently not always in control of how I handle things.
I can’t be around any more humans today. I will land my ass right back in the hospital, and nobody wants that. I wish knowing it is a delusion would make it less real. Nobody outside here knows what that’s like.
I can empathize with the anniversary of a parent’s death. It’s been over 20 years since my mom died, and every year it comes rolling around it becomes a hard day. It’s “funny” how our bodies react to just a certain day on the calendar. The one-year anniversary of my mom’s death triggered my onset. It was on that day I became psychotic for the first time, and a month later I was in the hospital and got my diagnosis.
I’m glad you made it home in one piece. Be nice to yourself for the rest of the day.
■■■■, CJ. Do you remember what’s happened in the past that’s helped when his has happened?
I know exactly what you mean. It’s frustrating when people say, Well, if you know it’s not true then there isn’t a problem! I just wish I knew what to do about it.
How are you feeling today, physically? I know you’ve been in a lot of pain lately and haven’t been able to do a lot of the things you enjoy. Is it bad today? How have the pain meds been treating you?
(If it helps at all, one of my earliest delusions was the creature of darkness thing. So for the purposes of this conversation, you can tell yourself I’m fine to talk to, there’s no corrupting you can do here )
I know what you mean… delusions pull on you, and you try to resist them, sometimes by arguing they’re false, sometimes by choosing to see things differently. I can’t think of having had such an experience with non-delusional beliefs. Where you would start out knowing its not true, not wanting it to be true, having plenty of arguments for it not to be true, and still find yourself drawn towards it - often not even by other arguments. This is very frustrating, and scary, to feel that you’re slipping into it.
That’s honestly why I felt like I was safe here. We’ve all been outcasts from society, so I won’t be hurting anyone.
The pain is not pleasant. I was going to drive to my sister’s house, but it hurt too much to sit up in the car. I’m going to take this opportunity to take the good pain meds, and just wait it out. Fiance will be home in six hours, and then he can take me to see my family. They’re also safe to be around when I’m not a person. They’ve already been corrupted. I don’t know how I’ll be around Fiance though. He’s the brightest light I’ve ever seen.
I often feel I’m not human. I see them as special, but not better than me. I most often feel frustrated with them because they’ve been given so many opportunities to be good and they just won’t listen. I have a hard time admitting I am human… It’s a struggle I don’t even engage in half the time because it doesn’t go away and wrestling with it, the delusion, only creates more stress. But what I really wanted to say is how sorry I am about your dad. I lost my mom six years ago and the longer it’s been the more I seem to miss her. You handled your situation so well that you should feel victorious in the action you took. Then, allowing yourself to be in the state of missing/remembering is ok. Feeling sad about losing your dad is healthy. Hard but healthy. I’m sorry for your loss and your sadness, but I think what you described here was a victory over your delusion. I never try to make stuff go away, but just don’t let it take control. You were in control and you should be proud. ️
I gotta tell you, though you may not want to hear it right now, that you’re one of the brightest lights that I’ve ever known.
So we’re determined to win the lottery here, mainly to save my ex-coworkers from their horrible current conditions. What would you do with 2 million if you had it right now?
Sorry cj, this sucks! We’re all just plain humans, and thats even scarier than non human creatures so our minds make the threat non human so we can love humanity… That fear I know too well.
You are human, we are human, and there are no supernatural beings after you.
I also had the delusion, still do sometimes, that some of us are dark creatures and others are light creatures, but that’s just a way to see human behavior as well. It is scary, but at the same time it’s just the way it is. You do your share of light deeds, you’re a light creature for sure.
Remember that light has no shadow, that the darkness can’t beat the light and that love always beats fear.
The first thing I would do is splurge on the extra-fancy suite at the resort we want to go to. Then probably pay off his mom’s mortgage and buy a house for his sister (houses are like 10,000$ For a four bedroom in Montana). If there was enough left over, maybe buy a boat!
I don’t get to see a doctor only once a year. When I phone them for help they put me onto an auxilliary nurse whose job it is to avoid me seeing the sacred shrink and basically to keep me quiet .
They currently are a team of apes who sit there on the top of the mountain and marvel at how well I kope with this friggin illness but apart from that they do nothing except see you next year
Honestly, Minnii, this is exactly why I try so hard to help people. The more good I do, the further I feel from the creeping darkness. There is so much of it, and it gets overwhelming at times, so I fight back with as much positivity as I can find.
I know, same thing here. I always get the feeling some of us are fighting the dark creatures that suck the good out of people. It’s not real though, we’re just good people trying to be better than what was done to us. I don’t think there’s a battle anymore, but I still act on it. Habit I guess.
I got really lucky because my doctor got me in with a woman who has a grant to help individuals with work-related brain injuries and PTSD. Since she is on a grant, she is free and has a very small list of clients. I go to her for emergency visits, and to my regular pdoc for prescriptions and basic check-ins.
I still feel like I’m fighting a battle most days. I think it’s natural to want to find a reason for all the suffering, and it’s easy to just blame it on evil forces, because then there’s something to be mad at. It’s hard to muster up the rage to fight against the random chance of the universe.
This is good guys. I just have to keep talking and keep thinking.
So, ■■■■ happened to us, left us miserable and we have an illness that forces this thoughts and visions and voices into our lives. We battle it everyday, internally and without help from anyone because we’re each our own and unique minds. But then there’s these moments when we can relate to others, that go through the same thing and it’s like a super hero alliance, fighting the darkness that we know its imaginary but somehow it’s still present.
)
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