Im nikki but im not nikki

This may sound crazy to many people cause honestly it sounds crazy to my self but i believe it 100%

I know i am nikki i Know this is nikki body’s, but what im feeling the things i say my emotions the way i am the anger and mood and likes and hates their someone else like this is Nikki’s cavity and part of me is still here to say this is not me that its someone else. Nikki loves music and watching movies and getting things done and doing work and making money and being out and about. But this thing that is inside of me that i cant get out is not me. This thing doesnt like music or sound or watching tv or movies it hates all and everything. It wants to hurt people and hurt nikki. It says things nikki dont say. This thing is negative nikki is pretty positive. Nikki loves to do her hair and makeup and dress nice and take very good care of her self. This thing just wakes up and puts what ever on. It doesnt like showers but will wash up. It has no motivation at all. Nikki loves to help her mom wash her clothes clean up the house. This thing hates doing anything for anyone. This thing even hates doing things for nikki like washing Nikki’s clothes. Nikki loves to read this thing hates to read. It hates to eat. But it does listen to nikki when her medication need to be taken idk why. Shouldn’t the medication make it stop or relax. Im confused cause im still here but everything else is not me it really is not me at all. Its like im in side crying for help but this thing is controling me. Its like the only time im partly my self is when i go to school once im out this thing takes over again. I hide in my room and away from people cause i get scared that if i lose complete control and this thing takes over all parts of me the way it thinks might become actions. Its been like this for a while and I haven’t spoke about it but right now i have the chance to let it out so thats what im doing.

Just over a month ago I had suicidal thoughts. I walked on the beach with that crap in my head. I said to myself…this is me walking here but it is not me. I told my psychiatrist that. She just made notes and did not gave me any explenation.

I get your drift …it is me but it is not me. I feel the same lots of the time.

How do you deal with it. Sometimes i have episodes i cant remember at all where i go by other names or just wont talk at all from what i hear or ill just sleep like i know im not me so i stay in bed to protect my self or something. I feel like no one gets me at all im schizophrenic and i have borderline personality disorder and much others. Still dont know how to deal or cope with it having it for so long.

I have no strategy to deal with it. I try to avoid stress at all cost. I go to my room and wait the storm out. Sometimes it take two days to feel sort of myself again. One poster on here (@SurprisedJ ) compared it to riding out a wave as a surfer. Other people refer to it as a roller coaster ride. The best thing to do is to just take it minute by minute and when it gets better, day by day. Just after my diagnosis when I was hospitalised my psychiatrist looked at me and said…“I can see that you are in there somewhere”. Those words took me through my darkest days knowing that I’m in there somewhere in my head. The same will apply to you…just remember that you are in there somewhere in your head and you will win the fight for who you really are.