Sometimes i feel like im not me like someone or something is in control of me there are times where i am able to inform someone that what im feeling or thinking or doing or even saying that its not me its someone or something inside of me other times im just not my self at all. Sometimes its like im inside listening and its like i became another person. Ill even let who ever im with know that i am not nikki that i am so and so cause theirs all different names. Ill have different interest moods feelings talk different dress different act different as if another spirit just took over my body. Other times i have no memory of it at all to me im like sleeping and other people have to tell me about it when i come back to earth or awareness.
Then theres the voices in side of me. Some good some bad. Sometimes the bad ones will down me talk ■■■■ to me try to get me to think badly or do something bad at times the good voices have started fights with the bad ones like they were sticking up for me or trying to protect me. The good voices try to tell me to be nice to people and respect them and its almost like their want to lead me down a good path. The bad voices try to control me at times like when im trying to get help and i am incapable of explaining anything that is wrong or going on inside me. All i can say is im good im okay or somedays are better then others, but deep inside im screaming for nikki to tell them the truth of what is going on. Then theres times a person will appear in front of me and i can see their lips moving but the sound of what their saying is coming from inside me.
When people try to tell me its my conscious i try to explain to them its not theres a difference. My conscious have my voice and is nikki 100% but these voices sound like different genders sometime men women kids different accents and so on.
Then theres the times i try to block them out and its like loud chattering within my head this drives me the most crazy. I was told to ask them to go away, ive done this all my life and their still there. Im told its not real, but i can hear it its real to me. When i see things im told my mind is making things up but im looking directly at it and to me it is real and it is there. There have been times where i reached out and touched some of the things i see and i felt it to if someone was with me they just looked at me like i was completely out my damn mind.
I see humans creatures animals objects spirits shadows sometimes i see things completely move but when i get up and try to grab it its not where it moved to its where it was before i seen it.
Theres a little boy name jake he runs around my head crying yelling sobbing hes covered in scars and looks abused he young a child it seems when ever he pops up something bad is about to happen or im about to get bad news i call him my protector i dont mind him but my heart aches for him.
Then i have flash backs of horror that has happened to me through out my life. When this happens i feel like i actually living it all over again. Names can set this off sounds smells colors. These happen when im away and also in my dreams/nightmares. I wake up alot during the night cause of this and then go back to bed. But if i wake up or not i always feel tired
Most of my days i feel distressed depressed sad angry aggressive numb lost in space lost of control of my self its like a roller coaster i can not get off of.
Ive blacked out for days and thought i was home sleeping i wake up in my bed and my mom asks me where ive been and im like in bed and shes like no. I look through my phone to see if theres any signs of me have been with someone else and most of the time there is no sign at all. This makes my paranoia even worst then when i think of my missed time the voices feeling like a different person feeling controlled i start to wonder and believe i was kidnapped but something or someone and they are whats controling me or speaking to me.
I tell my self over and over again its not real its fake its all crazy and in my head but honestly that dont work cause i really believe this 100%
Sometimes i get so paranoid i find my self going out of my mind madness locking doors covering my windows closing windows locking them checking all over the house to make sure no one is there. I get scared to leave the house and walk to the store cause im scared someone is following me. I find my self looking in back of me over and over again and looking at every house to see if someone is watching me looking to the sky for helicopters. Stopping when a car drives by and waiting till they turn or i cant see them any more. If a person walks up ill stand there till they are gone scared to be followed back home. I even question my phone and ipad alot of the time wondering if its hacked or if someone’s spying on me and knows everything.
I have alot of trouble remembering alot of things i have multiple apps on my phone to remind me to take my meds ive even started using them for my appointments. I for get when i took a shower last or if i brushed my teeth so i take my tooth brush with me when im gonna be gone for a while like at school. People will say remember that day we did this or remember when you said this and im like nope never happened sometimes while im talking to someone or typing something i for get what i was doing saying or writing. Ill fight with people i live with about stuff that isnt where i put it then when i find it im like only I would put that there and then i feel bad about the fight.
Some how some way though i manage to get through life like this and i ask my self all the time how cause i cant even comprehend how I managed it.
One thing i do know for fact is no matter what lately i always take my medication and i make it to my appointments.
Im seeking more help so i have a better chance or living a reasonable life i am in school but even know im there im sometimes lost in my world or space. Because this happens i do alot of work when im okay that i dont need to do just in case i lose my mind again i dont want to fall behind but having a job is almost impossible cause its not like i can work extra hard or extra hours when im okay and it will make up for when im not okay.
I do not live alone and i came to the conclusion that as of my state of health i cant live alone or completely take care of my self alone.
Honestly this is growing so old to me i find my self asking why i keep going and trying why have i not gave up already. I know im stronger for the fact i keep going and haven’t put this torture to an end cause im preying i find guidance and a way to manage this. But i always look into the future and honestly if years from now i still have to live this way i dont think ill be able to i think there will come a point where i do give up and end it all as bad as it sounds just think why should anyone have to live like this if nothing is helping or working i dont want to end up in a long term treatment facility like a hospital for mentally ill cause that wont be living that will be horrible.
The more i track everything through out the day the day the more im coming to understand what is really going on what i actually deal with day to day how i feel and what im going through before tracking it i just hated alot of things and didnt know why but i think im begining to understand why now. Tracking everything could be bad but maybe it can be good to cause i can now show my mental health workers and maybe they can better treat me.