I cant remember when it all started this thing they call mental illness. My earliest memory is of being scared and hurt by Keith (the neighbor down stairs). I remember how uncomfortable it felt when he would pull out these old books that showed people in different sex positions, i remember him acting some of them out on me. at 23 years old it almost like i can still feel the pain i felt when he would touch me. I find my self full of hate and rage. I sit alone or sometimes when im not alone and i can hear these voices in my head directing me to do things. Things including hurting others hitting them, yelling at them, trying to ruin their lives. Years ago i became nikki i was nicole and when my mom calls me that it upsets me cause im not nicole i dont want to be that little girl that was sexually abused and scared to get help that little girl that kept it all to her self as she grew older and got into many bad bad things. Nicole is a scared little girl that i left. Nikki is who i am now, who i have been for many years. Nikki is fearless, loud, vocal, she loves in many ways and, always wants to help. Then i have jackie, she is vicious, she likes to see people in pain. She gets enjoyment out of other people hurting. Sometimes when i feel attacked by a person she fights her way out, she fights to almost shut off nikki and act out with violence. Fighting, swearing, taking complete control and hurting other if that be with her hands or her words. Shes mean and i try very hard to keep her locked up inside. But many times she finds a way out. My self NIKKI i look at her as a hippy loving artistic but very emotional. When my demons speak up they direct me to do unhealthy thing to do things i know are very wrong. Sometimes ill just start crying cause in order to get them to stop to shut up i have to act on it, sometimes ill cry my self to sleep and ill walk into a nightmare. In these nightmares im reliving past pain or acting out the bad they want me to do. Sometimes ill way up feeling like hopeless helpless nicole scared and in pain surrounded by spoken words that are not from my mouth, other times ill wake up to a still silence no voices nothing almost like the world as stoped in time.
Medicine upon medicine hospital upon hospital for both mental illness and seizures. Waiting for my mental health workers to open their eyes and help me.
DOES THIS EVER COME TO AN END WHILE ALIVE OR WOULD I HAVE TO DIE TO NOT LIVE THIS WAY OR FEEL WHAT I DO EVERYDAY