I don’t even know where to start on this…
There is a person who lives in my head. She is mean and very unlike myself. She always says awful things and we get into silent arguments. Sometimes she tries to take over, and jts hard to fight her when she does. When she takes over I don’t like it. I baskclly just sit back and observe. She has control of my mind and body. I stop caring about anything, and I get really quiet. I say things I dont want to. Everything starts to annoy me, I start feelimg disgust towards everyone. I feel like a moody teenager, almost.
I hate when she does this, she takes over my brain. She speaks different, walks different, acts different, she even will dress differently sometimes. She gets annoyed when people call me by my name, she likes being called Shadow (which is a nickname my big sister gave me when we were teenagers and thought we were cool). When I try to take control back, she gets angry with me and makes me feel like crap, and like somehow I owe her the control and everything’s my fault and I’m better off letting her take over.
She usually takes over for a few hours at most, but lately it has been almost full days of this. I dont always remember everything, just bits and pieces when she is in control.
Like last night at a church service, a mam came up to me and he and tried to talk to me, and I couldn’t remember the conversation. I only remember wantkng to shove him_ which is crazy, because I am not that kind of person and never would think thsese things in my own brain. I don’t even remember the conversation on the drive home with my mom. Only fragments of it, and when she spilled her tea while driving and we had to pull over.
I don’t even know what this is, but I’ve been dealing with it for years and I never talked to anyone about it. I dont have a doc anymore, so that’s why I’m posting this. Maybe someone else has some ideas? I don’t know, sorry this is so long and probably doesn’t make much sense.
We may be similar sz and d.I.d…
I understand how you feel I black out and wonder around I have no control…
We’re quite similar. I black out so often, I don’t even remember the past couple of months, just a few bits and pieces.
Thatsvwhy we get alongblol its scary
Yes, very. I’m also afraid of her hurting someone, or making me say something I don’t mean. I’m also afraid I have already done something awful and just don’t know it.
Wow, this sounds very stressful. I’m sorry.
May I ask, did she go by a different name when when she was not herself?
We are moonkin…I’m sorry you have this too…
If you do have the dissociative identity disorder being mentioned, it is always in traumatized women- the research really blames the trauma women experience and nothing else. It is also like 97% women, and then 100% of them were traumatized at some point.
But yeah you at least need outpatient to deal with that level of trauma. I would definitely go to group therapy if not a personal therapist. Group can be better for some, as it brings in the community of survivors and basically applies social psychology to a horrible clinical problem. This forum is basically e-group therapy/ a big mental illness clubhouse.
Finding others who understand is often one of the most effective ways of coping with it, because it is so hard to understand unless you have been through it yourself. Some go different routes like getting individual help, learning to accept the trauma, or in some cases, be treated with exposure, but that is giving way to accepting it, as exposure often goes really wrong.
I myself was in personal treatment and was given the most intellectually based form of “just accept it” or ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy- I am too messed up from my early life to now to be repaired- I have to embrace being flawed.
So I got some tattoos to make it permanent that I am messed up and also always going to be friggin really good at what I choose to do. I am known for being good at what I choose to do…I am a very dedicated type…highly motivated.
That is on the healthy side of traumatized. Some people are not so well.
Try to be well. That is key to becoming well. Pursue health.
This sounds really frightening @Bunny. I sort of understand the part where you wanted to shove the person talking to you at the church service. Sometimes I’m overcome with the urge to shove of hit people. It’s a really hard urge not to follow through on.
I don’t want to come across as a nag, but I’m just wondering if you intend to find a new doctor. I know you have said you are against taking medicine, but I just wonder if you might find some solace if you spoke to a professional about these things.
I don’t want to force anything on you. I support whatever decision you make.
@Bunny sounds like DID to me. My dad suffers from it. I think I have it and sz but not diagnosed with DID just sz. One of the ways we always knew who was who with my dad is penmanship - each person had a different way of writing. If you don’t already, start jounaling, that way you can look back and see things - usually they will all get onboard and do it - at least most of my dad’s did.
Thank you, @mortimermouse. You always have really good insight.
D.I.d is no fun…at least with my sz I’m still here mostly …
Glad someone else understands the urges. I can get so many awful ones and its hard to control them.
I do want to get a nee doctor, but I’m too afraid. I would maybe much rather have a therapist, someone who wont just pump me up with meds. I do have personal reasons for not wantin to seek a therapist, at the moment. I am planning to in the near future, though.
I do have a notebook where I vent sometimes, however I’m not an avid journaler. I mkght start though. I really have thought about it from time to time.
Also, I have heard about DID, however I haven’t looked into it too much. Just trying to stay away from self-diagnosing I guess.
with my father he never claimed to be different people. He just would get very abusive but never remember doing anything. Then there were times when he would like two cities away and call us not knowing where he was or how he got there. We always joked which father was coming home tonight? You had good dad, abusive dad, loving dad, funny as hell dad, and confusing dad that liked speaking in accents.
My mom noticed one time on a check he signed was totally odd, so she talked to her counselor about it. He agreed to go see him because of his memory issues only. Anyways that got the ball rolling, and he got the diagnosis of DID.
It made a lot of sense to us and we were relieved, but they don’t have any treatment for it.
Wow, I’m sorry. That must have been hell to live through…
I was just reading a bit about DID, seeing as that’s what people were saying, here. And I guess most of the time, people dont know they are being a differet person, like your dad.
However, I’m fully aware of it (usually, anyways). I notice the changes in my behavior and mannerisms. Also I can feel when she’s trying to take over a lot of the time and have to fight her and it feels like my head’s going to explode, and it’s really hard.
I also notice I hate being on here and think it’s really stupid.