I guess I do have schizo-affective disorder depressive type probably with mild Asperger’s syndrome. In 2011, I had something serious happen to me in college that ruined my life forever. I just cannot cope similarly to how someone with PTSD cannot cope or overcome these traumatic experiences and thoughts. Instead of hitting the bottle, I just drink copious amounts of caffeine and chain smoke and avoid life and people. I don’t change my clothes or shower. I have went down the rabbit hole several times and have “analyzed” every possible and impossible avenue. I went heavily into my conspiracy research and still cannot figure out what happened to me and I refuse to accept that I got schizophrenia by chance or solely by genetics or a bad drug trip from pot – exclusively. I mean I think there were a lot of factors, but it happened so suddenly and I have tons of memory loss and missing time. I have convinced myself that I constantly ‘reincarnate’ forever and go into other realities or worlds for eternity. It never ends.
I’ve had some close encounters and some scary thoughts and scary situations over the years. I mean was it aliens or just plain old harassment/targeting + mental illness? I don’t know. My mind cannot fathom, comprehend, and understand 10% or more of what happened to me or what I’ve been through. It doesn’t make sense according to the current understanding of reality and the laws of physics.
Over the years, I convinced myself (erroneously and even slightly correctly) that I’ve been through some huge conspiracy and was targeted by various people and entities over the years and for eternity. Yes, I believe in extraterrestrials, but don’t know how much that plays a role in my life.
I barely watch TV but have improved 5-20% since I logged in last. I have added a new AP called Latuda to my combo. I am adjusting my meds because Vraylar isn’t perfect and sort of plateaued or declined. I also drink too much caffeine and I’m poor and have very unrealistic grandiose goals for myself and my life and even my abilities. I cannot achieve much with the severity of my schizophrenia (yes, I have to remind myself I definitely got it).
I apologize and I am ashamed of past posts and behavior here and other places. The suffering is real and the change in perception and reality testing and changing is real too – like I’m in another world.
I think it’s easy to be targeted online by opening oneself up. There’s a lot of evil in this world.
For those that know my past, I think college was comparable to the hell I experienced many times at the local mental hospital – mostly in my past lives. I believe in something called ‘reincarnation’ or ‘past lives’ and it has to do solely with physics as well as some spiritual stuff.
I have largely decided to ex-communicate my dad or disown him because he is a huge ■■■■■■■ to me and my mom. Ever since he retired and my grandmother died, he has been a loser and a recluse. He doesn’t want to give me any money, which is fine, but that’s all he had to offer as a person since he lacks emotional support and empathy and I figured why fix something that wasn’t broken?
I might have to sell my car and buy bitcoin and even try to live without disability. Maybe get a job doing anything or tutoring math. The family I live with supports me and my step-father is a decent person in this reality and schizophrenia ■■■■■ with my perception of him. I like him and care about my step-father. In many ways, he’s smarter and a better person than my own biological dad, which is sad and pathetic.
Really, it’s only me and my mom and brother. Sister is a mess herself.
I hope people will read this and like me to stay a bit. I do have grandiose thoughts and beliefs that I should attend a school (DIFFERENT ONE) that is nicer to me and local and cheaper. Probably online. I do feel like my life was in danger and I lived in fear for many years.
My dreams are to be an electrical engineer and maybe invent stuff or learn some quantum mechanics on the side. Realistically, I cannot do this because of my illness, but even something easier and more practical like getting a BS in math from a local university seems impossible. I have lost a lot of abilities and cannot even do little things. I get really distracted all the time. Doctors say no stimulants even though I believe I took them in a past life with mixed results at best.
I don’t know why I obsess about school and getting a college degree. My dad thinks it’s stupid and not realistic. But he’s the worst person in the world for motivation and encouragement. Perhaps, narcissism?
Worst case scenario I’ll just do the same thing and do nothing with my life and just stop existing some day. But I have hope and dreams of accomplishing something – even just an AS in math (1 course online) or something more daring like AS in engineering (lots of hard courses).
I’m motivated by money and intelligence but I don’t compare myself to others. I mean look at me…