I'm a fraud goodbye

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Went to my Pdoc appointment today, and left feeling very disapointed and hopeless. Apparently, he thinks I have bpd. Obviously this means he thinks I’m a attention seeking liar. He took me of my anticonvulsant and put me on another. Lamotrigine.

I told him about how I’m hallucinating every day. How severe my depression is. Asked about ect and he said ‘this is only used in the case of severely depressed people’ wtf am I experiencing then? I can’t leave my house, can’t shower, eat, get out of bed, can’t function.

I don’t relate to BPD in the slightest. I have an amazing self image, self worth, whatever. I’m in love with myself! I’m not scared of being abandoned or whatever, if anything I would rather be alone. I don’t have unstable relationships. I can cope with impulsive thoughts just fine. If anything I can relate to a small amount of symptoms of when I was sick as a teenager and younger, but I’ve basically grown out of all those things years ago.

Now i feel like a fake. I guess I’m just supposed to trust my doctor and believe I have BPD whilst I try and survive with my hallucinations, delusions, depression and anxiety.
I suppose I shouldn’t even be participating in this forum anymore.
Since it’s just a personality disorder. Ffs. I want to die so much.

I’ve been trying to deal with new and worsening of symptoms.
But how do I do that when I have no clue what’s wrong. When I feel like I’m on fire everyday but I still get reminded that 'people have it worse then you’
I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.
The terrible intrusive thoughts, the strong feeling of wanting to die, not being able to ■■■■■■■ shower and brush my teeth like a normal functioning person.
The panic attacks almost everyday. How I can’t eat or sleep. The ■■■■ I see everyday. The paranoia. It’s too much for me to handle. Maybe other people have it worse, but I’m just not as strong as those people are for continuing to live like that.

I believe with all my heart that it’s not just a personality disorder, and if anything it’s especially not BPD. I relate more so to other personality disorders. Other mental illnesses.

Anyways. I guess I should stop posting on here. It’s sad because I really like the community and I found it helpful to hear stories about other people who are going through what I (at least thought I) was going through. Guess I have to just live with my diagnoses of GAD, BPD, and ‘severe psychosis’ whatever the ■■■■ that means.

(Honestly though, is severe psychosis even a diagnoses? Because that’s all they’ve said about my positive/negative symptoms) ((should I stop saying positive/negative symptoms since I’m not even in the same boat as you guys anymore?!))

Look. I just feel so defeated and hopeless. For all my life I’ve known somethings wrong.
For 7 years I’ve been taking pill after pill, going through diagnoses like pairs of underwear.
I’ve always felt so helpless that I didn’t know what was going on. Not being able to name what I was experiencing so strongly.
Then when I started looking into the sz spectrum, I cried in happiness because of all the things I thought I was a freak and alone in feeling, turned out to be common symptoms experienced by many people.
But now again, I just feel like an alien. I feel so alone in this. I can’t do it anymore. Sorry this is all just so pathetic and long winded I’m sure nobody even read everything. I know I’m annoying. I’m sorry ill stop posting now.

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No no no no no you’re not a fraud :frowning:

Your psychiatrist sounds like a fake to be honest and that he didn’t try hard enough to understand your situation.

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@valiumprincess please read this thread I made a few months ago… I was in a very similar situation to you: http://forum.schizophrenia.com/t/my-experience-with-the-psychiatrist/93254

Being unfortunate enough to have a bad pdoc does not make you a fraud or a fake. You don’t need to leave.

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So this was a new doctor, right? That seems like an awfully quick assessment.

Anyway, I’m pulling on my Moderator Pants to tell you that you don’t need to go anywhere. Diagnoses change- we’re concerned with symptoms here. If this place helps you (and I can tell you that you help this place) then you are welcome here.

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The prevalence of psychotic symptoms in patients with BPD has been estimated between 20% to 50%.3

Even if it’s BPD there is no reason why you shouldn’t be here to discuss and get help and support for your psychotic symptoms.

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Even if you do have bpd that is very serious…I just lost my ex girlfriend who was bpd…very serious if you are also hallucinating…I would get a new pdoc honestly…please don’t leave…we need your input here.

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You can have both bpd and Schizophrenia.

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@valiumprincess Can you see whether there is an early diagnosis and treatment center in your area so you can get an independent assessment?

Worldwide Early Diagnosis & Treatment Centers for Psychosis & Schizophrenia

The Importance of Early Treatment for Schizophrenia and Psychosis

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@Moonbeam Yes, thanks for mentioning it. The one closest to me is run by an ex Pdoc who I had a really awful time with, so I want to go to a different one that’s an hour away. Will this be fine do you think? Or do you know if they’re strict about going to the one nearest you.

Sorry if you can’t answer I don’t really expect you to know this I just don’t think I’m able to call and ask myself.

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I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t go to another clinic if you’re more comfortable doing that. You’re actually lucky that there is more than one option within reasonable driving distance.

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Thanks all for the kind words. Has a good cry now I’m numb which is nice®. Watched some BPD videos and didn’t relate at all. Then I started looking at BPD memes and I was able to relate/laugh and see a bit what my pdoc must be thinking. I understand that I can be both BPD and have a psychotic disorder. I just was so upset earlier and was having black and white thinking. 'If he thinks I have BPD I must be a liar and all my symptoms are fake’
I suppose I should lighten up. It’s just hard sometimes. Overall the appointment really didn’t go well.

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Doctors don’t always get it right unfortunately

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I know a guy on another forum that has Bipolar Mania that sometimes has hallucinations. I hope you get a satisfactory answer soon, VP.

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dont worry, you are still a cool chick, take it easy :slight_smile:

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Yes. Unfortunately I know this, I just had to switch pdocs to this guy which was very hard to do. My previous one was… wow. Can’t even begin.

It just amazes me that I can barely talk to some guy for around an hour an he can without a doubt tell me what’s going on. I had a big list of things I had to tell him but I wasn’t able to even go through it. He blew off a lot of things that concerned me. Especially me talking about having a plan for suicide and visually hallucinating every day. Just kinda blew it off.

When he said I wasn’t severely depressed I wanted to scream. I haven’t worked in three years. Haven’t gotten out of bed in months. Can’t care for myself. I cry hours every day. hows this not severe?

TW
It’s hard when this happens since I get discouraged, hopelessly depressed. Then I fantasize of death and haunting all those shitty doctors that pushed me to it.

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It sounds like he’s a terrible doctor he needs to listen to you and respect you. Maybe he just needs a bit more time to get to know about you? Did you tell him your problems with the bpd diagnosis? Either way it’s sounds incredibly frustrating.

You’re not a fake your symptoms are things you are actually experiencing. And if anyone tries to convince you otherwise they are full of ■■■■. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling so much lately. You dont have to stop posting here just because you’re doctor is being an idiot. And even if you do have bpd I see no reason why you wouldn’t be able to post here.

And I know how defeating it is when you are getting diagnosis after diagnosis and they all seem wrong. I had a very similar situation to you when I was younger. I think that when you go to another doctor you should try to tell them what the sz diagnosis means to you and why you think it fits you.

So in conclusion you’re not a fraud. We all care about you. And I’m so sorry you’re visit didn’t go well. hugs

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Before being diagnosed with SZ, I had a diagnosis of psychosis. If you know you’re hallucinating, see a different pdoc - especially if you don’t relate to borderline pd at all.

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https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/borderline-personality-disorder-schizophrenia.html

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You can see 10 different Doctors and they will all have a different opinion on whats going on, I know this from experience, one even told me I did not need meds and I ended up back in hospital.
Over the years I came to this forum, I read on line, seen doctors, tried different meds, but most of all I learned it is not so much what label you get, it is what YOU know is wrong and how you feel and what meds will work for yourself.
Yes there have been Doctors I refused to see anymore, because they were wrong.
You are not a fraud and there is no reason for you to leave the forum.

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I hope one day I will reach this point. I think it’s hard for me since I’ve been on many medications without positive change, and my symptoms have been changing and evolving so I really have not a clue what’s going on. I’ve also never really been stable since I’ve been dealing with MI. If I was able to understand what I was going through and learn healthy coping strategies (plus medication that works for me) I’m sure that my heartache would decrease immensely.

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