Ok, so i was unwell for decades…
I tried to date some guys at my worst, it wasnt working, cause i was way too out of order…
In a way, now i stopped looking for a serious partner, i decided to fight now for my mental health, so this is my goal now…
One of my symptoms was the total despair about my future and life, this was a killer tbh, i was somewhere in the deep empty hell with that… Now i push myself, i even feel more hope than before, am taking my meds and am exposing every day to the outside after a long isolation…
But for my emtoions, they are still quite negative and maybe weak… And yes, no matter what i want, i tend now to close myself around some attention from the others… I guess i just cant love much now…
The thing is that my mother asked me today how is it possible to cant love a guy now, idk why this is so hard to understand…
I literally feel physical pain instead of a good soul or emotions… Plus, how so the life didnt show her people who are just hurt and cant enjoy the love anymore?
She almost blames me to not feel love, like i am some kind of boorish and handicapped soul…
Oh yeah, my father was probably a psycho, he was beating my sister and my mother till death and ow my mother claims, that she is more emotionally developed than him and even me now, thats all…
I’ll keep trying nourishing my soul now, i occupy myself now and am protesting less against my loneliness, but my mother probably doesnt care anymore why i am like that…
I wonder if you too knew the inability to love, its what happens in sz?
Take care all though and keep walking!!! 
I go through bouts where I feel incapable of love. People will say they love me and it just hurts or I don’t feel a thing. Sometimes love just feels so foreign and strange. Something about receiving love just feels wrong.
But over time I’ve realized that it stems from trauma. I grew up in a harsh environment and love was an inconsistent concept.
Therapy has helped me with this a bit I think therapy may help you sort through these feelings too
Yeap, receiving it hurts me too sometimes…, Very often in fact for long… I suffer from guilt lately…
Thanks for the answer Noise, my father probably destroyed us, i am a severe case…
My mom made me see this movie though now, its a true story heh. When Love Is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story (TV Movie 2010) - IMDb
i’ll take my benadryl now in a few to ease my guilty conscience and paranoia. Its a strange med for that, but it does this to me too heh.
Big hugs!!!
Benadryl can be incredibly helpful.
Oh, yeap, i found it myself here and after a research on google… I need something to make me sleep at night and lower my thinking then in fact lol…
You find it helpful in sz @FreeLunch for real? 
On which symptoms does it work for you?
I suspect, that its probably on the anxiety too…
Hugs
Its good for akathisia sometimes,
They gave it to me at the hospital in honolulu for anxiety and restlessness.
@Anna1 My good friend is from the balkans. [I read yiur tagline]
Yeap, it helps my anxiety too lol 
In fact, it lowers my racing mind in the evening too, even the zyprexa doesnt do that, so i’ll keep taking it. Its a relatively safe med, right, no addiction? Hmm
Oh, great for your friend Me, i am from a mixed family though - my mom is pure russian, my father was bulgarian… Tbh, the russians have it hard here now, you know, because of the war… My mom is for Poutine, the most of the people hate him, its special… I am already a paranoid sz, this comes too much but anyway, i’ll keep fighting for my mental health.
Say hi to your friend, we are cool here and i find the bulgarians quite free no matter what heh I hope you feel well, me, i have to get rid of my fears, which lasted for 15 years, since my dx in fact, but maybe theres hope now yeap. Huggies 
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