I’m struggling again. I hung out with friends last night and things were fine but afterwards I just found myself consumed with doubt.
Like did it even matter that I was there?? Would they even care if I wasn’t??
It hindsight it kind of felt like everyone was sort of just interacting around me instead of actually interacting with me. And idk maybe I’m wrong about that but I don’t know
Like I care about them all so much but I feel like they don’t care about me. Like even if I feel cared about in a moment it takes the smallest thing to make me question all of it.
Like it’s making me question if I’m actually capable of feeling loved?? Like isn’t that a basic function?? Like is that something you can even learn??
You may just not be able to right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s permanent. If you’re feeling incapable of accepting and receiving love, you definitely need to find a good therapist to work on with this. Not feeling loved is extremely painful and you don’t want to be stuck that way.
Could you be so in your head / dissociating and seeing things distorted.
It happens to me. It happens sometimes i sit next to my spouse and feel dissociated.
Sorry you suffer like that. It is a horrible feeling. But no. You are not defective. You were abused. Your body/mind did the best it could to protect you. You can, to a certain extent, re-learn such things.
Someone I met was horribly abused for all her childhood. For decades she had never been able to love or feel loved. Not even towards her children. She had intensive therapy and EMDR. And learned to feel love/loved again, and basic trust.
I was abused in childhood and adulthood, though less so. I still have major issues in romantic relationships. But I can feel loved again in friendships. I am not normal. But I do feel cared for and loved by people when I’m not dissocating/flashing back to things. It has gotten a whole lot better.
I know these feelings link back to abuse and trauma, it’s just so hard.
I want to be able to fully believe my partner when they tell me they love me.
I want to believe my friends care about me
Something about the love I receive almost just feels unreal to me. Like not typically because of anything they’re doing. But it’s almost like my brain refuses to see it.
It’s so hard to explain. Sorry for rambling!!
Your reply has given me some comfort and some hope
For me it’s the meds(zyprexa). The last time I kissed a girl(which was like 5 years ago) I felt absolutely nothing although I liked her. I get much better emotions on latuda(which I unfortunately can’t take because of serious side effects) and seroquel(which I will try again in near future).
I think love takes trust and if you’ve been hurt its hard to love because you don’t want to trust. But if we love even without a feeling of trust by trusting in love itself, I think we are able to always find it within ourselves to love.
I feel so similar in situations like you’ve described. @Noise Feeling everyone interacting around me. It’s upsetting! I am sorry you feel this way. But you are not defective! Just work on feeling better. A therapist could be helpful with this I believe. I have one I trust. Good luck to you.
The thing is I feel so much love for those I’m close too. But when people try to show me love it just doesn’t stick. My brain basically seems to refuse to believe that it’s real
Welcome. It is not strange. It makes sense, and is not rambling. Will respond better later…very triggered at the moment…shared a personal story of abuse with people I do not know.
I find your responses in no way strange, but a very normal response to the abnormal things that happened to you.
