You are so sweet. A hug for you. We used to live on a horse ranch (I guess you would call it that) and we had baby chicks every spring and they are about the cutest hug I could think of to give you back.
I’m exactly like that except I’m very finicky. I have perfectionist tendencies so not only do I want to be perfect I want to elicit perfect reactions from everyone. Everyone has to be perfectly happy with me or I’m not happy. Think mom (if your mom resembles my mom in this way) about to cry because she just wanted a perfect Christmas where everyone was happy but we’re all squabbling away (because we’re human). There’s also over 40 of us so there is no such thing as harmony.
I’m a terrible gift giver. If I bring you something at some point it means I like you and crave your approval. I continually do it even if I know that person loves me (like with C). But if I don’t give you gifts it means you can pretty much go die for all I care. It might have had something to do with the reward system my parents used when I was little. If I didn’t get the prize or gift (excepting things like birthdays and Christmas of course where getting a treat doesn’t reflect on who I am as a person) I felt like I was a bad person because I didn’t do well enough to get the treat when I didn’t do everything perfectly.
I get so excited for the holiday season because people think you’re weird when you bring them tons of stuff. I have to find just the right thing for everyone and I take extreme joy in doing it. I like to think that the gift giving with C balances out the bipolar crankies I get sometimes. Part of it with him is I do crave his love and approval in a way that he can never express due to human limitations and the other part is I have done a lot of things to him that I’m not proud of. Granted I was so off my head depressed, psychotic, and unsocialized to the point where I didn’t realize what I was doing was wrong or hurtful, but I still do things like that sometimes.
I also feel like when people reject my gifts they are rejecting me.
My sister is a complete cxxx though who still manipulates and steals from my parents so I guess that would be like what happened with your Mom in a way. She didn’t care that I was sick, it had to be all about her and I was willing to give everything for her. My view has always been family comes first and that might be how I got myself into this. I’m intensely loyal to all of them. I just see how quickly people go through friends and I wonder how they can say ‘my friends are my family’. Your friends didn’t wipe your butt when you pooped on yourself or smile because you puked on them in the cutest way. (I know not all vomit is cute but I imagine it would be like changing your first diaper when it happens the first time, adorable till they do it again two seconds later). Abusive families obviously excluded from that.
I’m glad I remind you of you Rhubot. Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane other time I feel like I’m not symptomatic enough to really be called sz. I’m almost always symptomatic enough to feel like I have the right to be called bipolar though. I’m getting sappy here but this has been (strangely) a good day. I saw my pdoc, my therapist (they always calm me down and I got a new med to try out), I had a good run, and now I’m learning I’m not a freak . Well I am. I’m learning that I’m not a weird freak if that makes any sense.