Hey asexuality is a real thing as well… Just a naturally lower sex drive…
I mean even as someone who periodically feels like he has a high sex drive… The complications of sex often put me off to the idea… I can totally see why someone would naturally be put off to the idea of sex in general.
And yeah… just wait… the idiots in your life will all start to grow up eventually… and even then… you have to have your strictly silent I told you so… and watch them carry on being the only-slightly-improved self-centered idiots they’ve always been…
Luckily this is not a thought that’s ever crossed my mind.
I should clarify. I meant upset to mean unhappy, not angry. I didn’t mean with me either. Just with the situation. He’s never once guilted me into having sex with him. I tend to feel guilty about it because I can see how disappointed he is.
I feel exactly the same… the word bisexual doesn’t often need to be explained however. The term that would be more accurate for me is pansexual as well. But I used bisexual here for ease of understanding. I wish more people understood the complexity of “its not just two” but unfortunately I don’t think we’ve gotten there yet.
I wish this would work out the same for me. But I’ve passed the point where I can check out nice butts with him. I very rarely want to have sex and when I do, I can’t do it with him. I don’t think being together just because I love him would work because not only does he not just love me, he wants more intimacy than I can provide to him. That’s unfair to him. Sex is a valid need in a relationship and I don’t want to spend the rest of our relationship depriving him of that.
I’m definitely not a social person but if I ever get up the desire to go out (which does happen occasionally), I will DEFINITELY consider this. I hadn’t even thought of going to a gay bar. It’s actually a fantastic idea because people are expecting you to make moves and behave in a way that usually much more difficult to do in a casual setting. Especially for me. Thank you.
There have been more than a few instances where he has not supported me. I’ve asked for advice on this forum about a couple of them, but looking back I honestly can’t think of one time the lack of support didn’t result from a lack of understanding. I tend to become extremely upset about those instances because they are not the norm. Usually he will accommodate me in whatever way he can and make sure I’m comfortable so when he doesn’t it hits me extra hard. That said, I am aware enough to understand that he has grown a lot and is definitely a good man worth keeping in my life if at all possible.
I think we’re probably on pretty different pages about this but I can easily see the value in your advice. I hope you don’t think I am disregarding you. I’m certainly not. Your reply is helpful as ever, especially in reminding me that I am also important in this relationship. I forget about myself a lot with him. Sometimes I need to remember that I can love myself as much as I love him too. So thank you.
This might be the asexual in me talking, and I’m sorry if it sounds cynical, but…
Can’t he take care of that himself? I mean, if he gets frustrated because he needs release, why doesn’t he just masturbate?
I’ve had guys leave me because I didn’t take their sexual frustration seriously enough. They claimed I refused to sex them as much as they needed because I didn’t love them enough, when the truth was that I loved myself enough to not want to force myself to be someone I’m not.
I’ve never been able to understand why those guys didn’t just masturbate.
If it was intimacy they wanted, I would be more than happy to cuddle, as long as they could promise me they wouldn’t act like they were expecting something more.
Bwahaha. I love this. I think that’s how we should describe the advancement humanity as a whole. “Only slightly improved self centered idiots we’ve always been”
I think it’s because it’s different. I find sometimes people tend to think of sex as sexual release + intimacy and while it’s true that sex encompasses both of those things, it’s also and entirely different experience.
I might also point out that your own hands sometimes don’t feel as nice because it’s djfferent anatomically and the element of surprise is completely gone when you do it yourself.
I only realize this because sometimes its the anatomical differences that make me prefer my own hands. I think I’ve also come to this realization because it’s that completely different experience that I avoid. If it were truly a combination of those things, I wouldn’t mind sex because I enjoy both the physical closeness of cuddling and I also enjoy the release (when the drive is there). But it’s that something more that I do not like. There’s something about it that’s different than those two things. I don’t know.
Not meant to be rude in this response, just throwing my unsolicited opinion out there
I ask because after I got out of the navy I was befriended by a man. I thought he was my friend. I was wrong. One night we were drinking vodka and I fell asleep. I woke up when he had just finished raping me. I was so ashamed and confused (he said I wanted it–a lie) that I didn’t tell anyone for years.
It took me years–decades–before I could be comfortable enough to have an intimate relationship. He stole my innocence.
My girlfriend, who I met at age 48, is an angel. Her compassion has allowed me to be vulnerable again in an intimate way, but I don’t think I’ll ever completely recover my innocence stolen.
i don’t look at sexuality as an important defining factor in a person’s life. any more than eating turkey sandwiches being more satisfying than eating roast beef sandwiches for one individual being a life defining thing.
after all, when you age your sex drive and sex appeal will likely change. you may discover that there is more to life than focusing on this sort of thing. you may discover that you love sex with women! most anything is possible. in any case we evolve at every junction in our lives
anyhow, i didn’t read the above comments so i don’t really know the direction of the discussion.
to repeat, i don’t believe sexuality is an inherently important thing. did you ever have to come out to your parents as preferring chocolate ice cream to another flavor? or as being 5’7 or whatever
these are things we can’t change about ourselves supposedly, but personally i believe that sexuality can be fluid taking many unpredictable turns throughout life
yes sexuality is political, and emotions run high whenever this sort of thing is discussed. its a lifestyle choice for many people, it changes opportunities in life and social relationships
but to me it has been cheapened in recent years, everyone seems to want to claim a sexual or romantic “orientation” and turn it into this me too, we us and them game. i think that’s totally stupid.
what happened to “i like what i like”?
now im asking you the questions. because i really don’t know.
to finish, your “sexual orientation” may change again in the future. it may do so ten times. that may affect the way you live your life. were all always evolving, szs more so than normies in many cases.
i read your whole post now, i think you need to be honest with two people, yourself and him. so basically you have the first of those two steps completed
if you aren’t attracted to males or their bodies, that’s totally cool, but just because you find your SO not sexually attractive doesn’t mean you couldn’t find someone who clicks with you who is male elsewhere though. or does it? i don’t know you, you know you.
you may have to be really crude with it, try out women then men romantically/sexually, see which one you like better.
There’s no specified amount of points you have to make to be gay, it’s not like oh well you didn’t meet x criteria so you’re obviously on the bi spectrum or straight and in denial. In other words, you’re over thinking this. In conclusion, if you feel you’re gay, you’re gay. That’s it. You can’t diagnose sexuality.
Keep in mind that sexuality can be FLUID. I’ve known of people who were 100% convinced they were gay their whole lives and then ended up falling madly in love with the opposite sex out of nowhere and getting married, and vice versa with people who always felt they were 100% straight. I’ve also had friends who went through a period where they were only into people of the same sex, and then after some time started going for both.
Keep in mind that sexuality is not black or white it’s an entire spectrum. So you don’t have to feel the need to declare yourself as entirely anything.
If you are not sexually attracted to your partner, if you are not happy in the relationship, then it isn’t working for you. Don’t force it. Only you can decide your sexuality. Personally I hate labels for sexuality just because it is such a deeply complex thing. That’s my thoughts.
You were really straightforward, long time that I didn’t see such a neat text,
If you hate him it doesn’t mean that you are lesbian or…, but its possible that a change in him and his soul or a kind of betrayal has happened that have made you hateful of him without knowing exactly what has happened, the advice:
Respect your intuition and have an atleast a temporary break in your relation with him,
I am deeply sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine how awful and scary that was. I feel for you. I feel similarly about my innocence. It’s not a good feeling.
I don’t think vulnerability is an issue for me anymore. It certainly was when we began dating but, now I trust him very much.
Wait so, what is your sign? (And I promise I’m not just using that a pick up line hahahaha)
