I wasn’t going to post this but its becoming a huge problem

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Jesus. I hadn’t even thought of this. I fear that if we take a break one of two things will happen: I’ll go off and not try a relationship with a woman because my social skills are trash. Or. I’ll go off and never be able to return regardless of if I try or not because if I do try it’s going to take literal years before I find someone, get comfortable enough, extend the relationship into something more than friends, and experience it long enough to make a decision about it.

I also don’t see myself in a happy relationship with anyone else and have a VERY strong feeling that if I’m not with him, I will be alone. Which will also be heartbreaking but will allow him to eventually move on.

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Neither would I. This is an important point. Sometimes I have trouble seeing his point of view on things but this would no doubt be a part of it. Thanks for pointing this out. It’s important in my decision making process.

Im really sorry you had to deal with all of that. That’s a terrible feeling, I would feel so objectified and used. Luckily or maybe not so luckily, my SO feels strongly about monogamy so I doubt he’d engage in something like this. Especially if he knew that there was a good chance it would prove my preference for women is stronger than it is for him.

The other problem I have is my sex drive is really low. I probably couldn’t that drive up high enough to actually try something so new.

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Does he respect your sex drive? Is he in any way pushing or guilting you into having sex more often than you’re comfortable with?

When I’ve been with people who’ve had higher sex drives than mine, that has also led to me feeling repulsed by them, because I felt like I had to force myself to touch/cuddle/kiss/sex them in order to make them happy even when I didn’t really feel the need.
It would spiral me into a vortex of self-doubt and feeling inadequate because I couldn’t keep up, and physical contact felt like a chore.

I hope you guys have the kind of relationship where you’re able to talk about these things. Communication is important.
Take good care of yourself, and don’t do things you aren’t comfortable with, no matter who’s asking. :slight_smile:

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I know he is a good man. It’s highly likely he will try to work it out. He will try to make me happy until he realizes it’s impossible. There would be a lot of disappointment and self doubt and then anger with the whole situation.

Great anaology. That’s exactly what it feels like. I’m having a hard time imagining what that would look like. I can’t imagine it much worse than this. Maybe he will get sick of me denying his advances and leave me. But that’s the cowards way to go out because it’s easier for me but much much harder for him. I will not do that. I’m promising myself now that I will not do that to him.

Right now I wish I could rip it out of my chest and throw it down the toilet because it’s actually a piece of shít and not a heart… but I understand the sentiment and I appreciate it. Thank you @kindness

Ps. Your avatar is great. It made me smile :blush:

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Given a little time since the original post, I feel this may be the case for me as well. I feel less anxiety around the idea of being with him now than before… still not ready to be intimate with him yet, but i definitely feel less intense than I did posting this.

It’s the opposite for us. If it we up to him it would be every night or at least 5 times a week. That makes it so hard for both of us. Usually he becomes so upset with the situation it starts to leech it’s way into other things. Like he’ll bring it up in the middle sof a completely unrelated disagreement.

Neither one of us I think are capable of a polygamous relationship. Him because he is traditional and probably has a hard enough time just with me. And me because, I really really hate being around people. It was extremely difficult for me to leave my independent living situation to move in with even just him. The person I trust the most in this world. I don’t think either of us would be comfortable.
We are also TERRIBLE at communication. We both tend to assume the other thinks the same as we do but our thought vary widely on most things. That’s a problem for another day though.

I can’t agree with you more. I trust no one. This is a tough situation. I feel I’ll be alone until the end of my days romantically and platonically… and I don’t know if I hate the idea of that. Just the process of making it happen :pensive:

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It’s scary to know this happens to more people but also great to know I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing @cbbrown It’s nice to at least be able to picture a narrative where this situation works out well.

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Truly if you feel this way. You should give your self the chance to swe what ypu truly want. Or else ir wont work out.

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He always does.

He has never intentionally made me feel guilty about about it. As in told me that I owe it to him or anything of the like. The guilt is a result of me recognizing the disappointment and frustration I’m causing for him. Especially when he tries so hard to disguise it :pensive:

I’m sure this plays into it quite a bit. It certainly feels like a chore to me. If it’s not still happening (but I know it is) then it’s definitely how The frustrations of our sex life started.

The thing is that I trust him enough to talk to him about anything, it’s the execution that tends to make the ■■■■ hit the fan. Usually our heartfelt conversations turn into arguments or disagreements because we can’t or rather inaccurately imagine how the other is feeling. It’s rough. That would be the part I would need to bring him to therapy for. My is very good at extracting meaning and putting it in a way that someone else can understand.

Thank you @Berru you give great advice.

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It’s all about the timing. I don’t think I have the opportunity to do so given the timing.

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It is a hard situation, sorry for being an arsehole earlier I am highly unstable lately…
I know that woman have it easy on dating sites, I don’t know about gay people though.
He sounds like a great guy, but the lack of physical interaction may become really frustrating for him. I know it twisted me in the past, I was a proud monogamist until I had a long time of dryness in my relationship knowing my ex was bi… then weird thoughts started polluting my mind. after the breakup I’ve returned to being normal again. It was really hard for me, I guess that my brain had tried to get me out of it somehow… I just hope your bf won’t have a similar experience that’s why I was a bit harsh.
If he is really valuable for you, I’m sure you’ll find a creative way to make it all right.
Open relationship might be a short term experimentation thingy, I don’t know how sustainable will it be for him. I find it hard to believe that you will have more libido for him this way and he might become even more frustrated because you might be satisfied by someone else (you might as well take it really far but then it will be really weird and unhealthy).
You can try rising your libido by adjusting your diet and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
Or maybe think of something else that will solve most of the issue. anyway I wish you guys the best, crossing fingers it will all be ok

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If you are gay you’re not alone…

Even if you had gay intercourse or even long term homosexual attractions it is not indicator of your true happiness lying in that direction.

I like to acknowledge the role that social anxiety has on our senses of self… because it is a pressure almost everyone is exposed to that makes them feel pressure to interpret themselves that.

Look I’m not certain of your age… but unless you really feel like you are some way or another… I wouldn’t trust your opinion about it until you’re at least 25… it takes about that long on average for people to by and large know what they want out of sex in life.

Be patient with yourself as all the dust settles… You do not need to analyze your whole life… you don’t need to account for the whole story…

I had to open up with myself… and apparently for no reason at all… The same conversation you’re having with us now I’ve had with nearly every important member of my life. Truth be told… it’s a good thing to talk about.

I don’t know if you’re afraid of being known as a gay individual… there is a lot of teasing involved in it perpetually… but let that be a filter for finding people you actually want to be around.

It’s tangential secondary advice… but you will be okay regardless of who you are in the modern world… and 90% of the people out there aren’t worth listening to… You’re already not one of those 90%… so while it’s rare… you’ll get to know the 10% of us that are actually worth a damn.

Take care… I’m sorry about your relationship being what it is… My first relationship was plagued by horrible sex… but that’s not the end of the story you know. It’s not really an indicator of anything short of sexual immaturity… and I don’t mean that harshly… It takes a while for anyone to figure any of that out… and a lot of people never do.

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First off I’d like to say I read your entire post but no replies.

Duuuude this. It sucks so much. especially since being gay has been a big part of my life for, well, most of my life. Our sexualities aren’t less valid because of boys.

This is actually super ■■■■■■ behaviour because nobody literally NOBODY should force, guilt, or shame someone into having sex. No means no.

Okay so. Sexuality is a spectrum. Throughout someone’s life, they can bounce back and forth however they please. I haven’t identified myself as bisexual because I hate the word bi (for two, it seems exclusive)

Not to mention I am not attracted to men like that. Sure, some of them are good looking but it’s nothing compared to how I feel with girls.

So I identify most of the time as lesbian. But sometimes I say queer, and sometimes pansexual. I haven’t found a term I like best yet.

I am in a relationship with a guy. I am attracted to woman and he is well aware of that. Doesn’t bother him none, we just check out butts together.

Sex can be hard sometimes, but he’s really understanding. Some days I just watch porn instead and that’s okay. Just like he can and I wouldn’t mind.

I’m with the guy because I love him. It’s been like five years or something. I do think about girls a lot, and having girlfriends. It’s also something we’ve discussed as a couple.

He’s even let me go to gay bars and dance with girls, he’s very considerate. And not in a creepy, ■■■■■■■■■■■ way. He lets me do my thing.

I think you need to breakup with your boyfriend. I think you’ll be happier if you can pursue woman. He doesn’t seem very supportive of you.

(Disclaimer I’ve been out of the closet since I was like seven, my fam is really supportive)

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Oh if I had a nickel everytime somebody hinted that my sexuality was a phase and I’d outgrow it, I would be rich beyond my wildest dreams. :joy::joy:

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Well that leaves me curious but I won’t pry…

Divergence breeds conscientiousness…

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The thought of you being an asss didn’t even cross my mind once. I actually REALLY REALLY appreciate your perspective because it’s a little different than everyone else’s. I’m sorry you went through that though, I don’t want to put him through anything like that

An open relationship would likely cause more problems than solve them especially with that last bit about being able to be satisfied by someone else. I’d really like to avoid that.

I need to make a few lifestyle changes anyways so I can lose some weight. I’m hoping it will have the effect you’ve described as well.

Thanks @anon76219695

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This is terrible I’m sorry berru. I’ve gotten that a lot when I tell guys I like girls. Also ‘I can change that’ ‘hot, can I watch’ ect ect.

Actually I find rejecting boys by telling them I’m gay does literally nothing to stop them from relentlessly hitting on me.

However they always back off when I say I have a boyfriend. I think they respect that more. It’s so ■■■■■■ up.

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Oh man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard, “but you’re too pretty to be gay”

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Yes!!! Guys always seemed shocked, like gay girls can’t wear lipstick and dresses and present themselves very fem.

it happens to me a lot. I think some guys think that all lesbians have short hair and jean jackets and present themselves as ‘butch’ however it’s a spectrum filled with both ends. I fall into the category that goes back and forth.

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First of all, this is very well thought out and beautifully written. Thank you for that.

I can’t really explain how I feel about this statement but I know it’s important in this journey and it makes me feel better to think about.

I am 22 and I have the overwhelming feeling that you’re right. A lot of the time I wonder if it’s not sex with him that I want out of but sex itself that I want out of.

I think this is 100% true because as awkward as it is, I get great advice and sometimes I get someone like you that comes around and reminds me to relax about life. THAT is incredibly important. More so than actually figuring this out. Thank you for that.

Not in the slightest☺️… The fear is in ruining my current relationship.

That is SO good to hear. It’s not harsh, it’s the truth. And I take a lot of comfort in thinking about it this way. I forget sometimes that no one besides me expects me to have all my ■■■■ together at this age. I forget this a lot actually.

It might sound stupid but I feel at peace after this reply. Thank you.

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We’re a lot similar. Both 22, both like girls. Both been in long term relationships. We both like cats. Also I’m really comparable with virgos we get along good.

Feel free to talk to me whenever :slight_smile:️

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