I’ll start off by saying that I know a lot of you won’t read through this and I’m sorry it’s so long but please help. I’ll try to be straightforward. If you must, the important paragraphs have asterisks next them.
*I think I’m gay.
*I’ve been in this relationship for 4.5 years and we just got a place together a few months ago. I’ve been thinking about this for a loooong time. Like before we got together. Like before I really knew what gay was.
From the start I guess. I can remember having an affinity for one of my female preschool teachers. No big deal, most preschoolers have a favorite teacher. But I also had a best friend who I would absolutely love to play with and was always heartbroken when she was absent. Again normal. We did a ton of normal things together but two memories stick out to me. Once we were on the sliding pole on the playground and she mentioned with a smile that going down the pole made her feel queezy. With no understanding of the word, I took it to mean that queezy had something to do with her private parts. I liked that she shared that with me. That’s it. Another time, I was at the dinner table recounting an incident in the school’s bathroom where this same friend had gone “number 2” and I was made aware of it and I said to my family that I couldn’t imagine a girl so pretty does that too. That’s all. Nothing sexual about any of that but I notice I had none of those thoughts towards boys.
I got a little older. I never had crushes on boys until my first year of middle school and even then I questioned my sexuality so hard because by then I knew what gay meant. I convinced myself I was “bicurious” and focused on my crush.
That crush lasted all the way until high school and when it ended I was questioning again. There was one point where my dad asked me if I was gay because I never brought a boyfriend home or talked about guys like all the teenage girls he knew did growing up. I denied. I knew for a fact that I found both sexes attractive but I didn’t want to be different so I dated boys and identified straight. But there was this girl, my BEST friend at the time. We Would hang out as a group and sometimes just us. But we would sleep in her bed together and it got to the point where I came SO CLOSE to making a move on her because I liked her so much. She would sleep in just a t shirt and underwear and sometimes she’d put her face so close to mine… but I was the innocent one of the group. I was the token virgin. And I was straight… so I never tried anything.
I also went to camp around that age. It was a sleepaway camp. I met a girl who openly identified as bisexual and would often make comments about my body. I appreciated it. She was my first kiss and I have never forgotten it.
*I could never see myself in a relationship with a woman though so I figured it was all just a phase.
I graduated high school and began dating my current boyfriend. Since being in a heterosexual relationship I never gave it much thought. It didn’t matter if I liked girls too because I was with a guy. I often made comments about the things I’d do with a woman but never in a serious manner. That’s just rude. During the relationship I decided to identify as bisexual, although no one really knows that because not many people ask your orientation while you’re in a hetero relationship. I began to be able to imagine myself in a meaningful relationship with a female. The thoughts about women became more frequent but the they’d subside. He never knew about them. And I never talk about it. But we go on with our relationship.
*But in the past few months, I realize it’s not subsiding and I need to come to terms with a few things. Our sex life is damn near nonexistent. I’ve never been a very sexual person. So sex was never really a high priority for me but now it’s gotten to the point where I actively avoid it. I’ll be as appropriate as possible in saying this… I find myself wanting to do that stuff alone and if I didn’t delete my history then the word “lesbian” would pop up more frequently than any other search term… if you catch my drift. I stopped enjoying his kisses. And started hating his French kisses. I don’t let him do the thing that leaves hickies. (I never actually let him leave a mark even before). I started hating a lot of his advances. It’s to the point now where I don’t even want to cuddle him because I hate the feeling of his ■■■■■. Sometimes so much that it brings back memories of the abuse I went through as a kid. It’s making me cry just writing this because I love him so much. But I can’t not fantasize about women even in the seldom times when we are intimate. I HATE IT. He doesn’t deserve this.
*Tonight was the tipping point though. He bought some alcohol to celebrate his new job. I had a few shots and we ended up playing truth or drink. I got the question “If you could change one thing about our sex life what would it be?” And I couldn’t help but think “I wish you were a woman” but instead I said “I wish my sex drive matched yours”… tonight he tried to make a move but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it. He got upset because he haven’t been intimate in a long time and I had to leave the room. Now I’m in the living room typing this up because I can’t deny this anymore. I can’t blame it on the abuse making me confused. I can’t blame it on not having experience with a man. I can’t blame it on anything anymore.
*I have absolutely no idea what to do. I feel like I need to make sure I’m absolutely positive this isn’t just a period of time where I leans more toward the gay end of bisexual. I’m ruining this relationship and myself at the same time about this.
Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.
Sorry for the length.
