I told a friend today about my delusions

It went really well. She was super supportive. She’s had mental health issues of her own so she was pretty understanding. It’s the first time that I’ve told anyone about my delusions (erotomania which turned persecutory) and I guess that it was important to just tell someone. Making an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow.

But I feel sad. I feel such a sense of loss to let go of my delusion. The persecutory stuff sucked, but it was really appealing to have the idea of love and companionship in my life. I know that it wasn’t real and that it was only in my head, and I’m mortified to realize the reality of the situation. But there’s still a pang in my heart and a heavy sense of loss. It was an imaginary friend who loved me, you know? It’s hard to let go of that. Even though it was destroying my life.

I dunno. I just feel sad. And so daunted by the prospect of dealing with this and facing life.

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Glad your off to see a psydoc. It got radically better for me when I figured out some meds that worked for me. I didn’t really dwell on those delusions as I had moved forward already. Ulitmately coming through the old website and learning about symptoms and treatments helped tremendously. Yeah it’s appealing those delusions and things like pronoia but it’s way better to move on and start enjoying life again.

You can do this. Most folks here have been through similar and come out the other side!

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I remember feeling special when I was psychotic early in my diagnosis. I felt like I was being contacted by someone who loved me and wanted to marry me, and thought I’d be famous once the person in my head met me in real life. Honestly when I finally got my insight back a few years in, I initially felt very sad because I realized I wasn’t a super important being in the world, but rather just an average dude.

I gotta tell you though, it’s worth it to have my relationship with my mother back to the way it was. For a few years I was a constant worry for her and she had to put me in the hospital several times. After getting better we can shoot the breeze and go places together, and it’s just like old times. She’s happier also, because she doesn’t need to hospitalize me anymore. I know it’s hard coming out of delusion, but you have to understand that by grasping your insight and overcoming the delusion, you’re helping your friends and family out a LOT.

My brother just started showing symptoms and I would give anything just to be able to talk to him again like I used to before he got sick. I really hope he recovers as well, at least partially, so we can have normal conversations again.

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@rogueone is right. Take it one day at a time, and small investments in improving with time. There is another side

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Also @agent101g @Cragger Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, it helps a lot.

I feel so alone in dealing with this. I’ve struggled with getting sober, PTSD, and some other significant life issues, but I shared about those with people in my life. My delusions have really isolated me though, largely because I haven’t talked about them and clung to the fantasy world. It’s really tough to face that I am actually alone, the delusions weren’t real, and now I’ve got this other thing to deal with in life that other people aren’t necessarily going to understand.

It helps to know that I’m not the only person who has ever dealt with this and that there is a way to keep going and have a life. Things got really dark there for a while when I was isolating in the persecutory delusions, and the pandemic certainly hasn’t helped. It helps to remember that connection with other people is still possible, even with mental illness.

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Isolating is pretty unhealthy for us. I took about 6 months in my third year getting my insight back by “reality testing” with my mom. I’d tell her what I believed and she’d tell me whether or not it sounded plausible, being honest. It helped me work my way to being clear headed, eventually I stopped needing to do that.

I rely on my family a lot. I had few friends and kind of lost them when I got sick, but my family is very supportive.

I haven’t been able to work because of the negative symptoms (lack of focus/concentration) but others on this forum have recovered to where they can, and I hope to be there someday.

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The pandemic has been pretty awful in terms of isolating. I live alone and that made it possible to get in a REALLY bad place this year. Last year I tried to stay in contact with people more but this year I’ve been really isolating hardcore and it’s been… awful. Full weeks of not talking to another person. And it’s made everything so much worse. Am definitely going to start working on getting back to connecting with other people where I can, I can see now how the more isolated the worse my mental health got, and the more I isolated.

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@RockBottom I’m glad you can see things a little more clearly now. If you had met me ten years ago, struggling with PTSD myself from a car accident and drinking whiskey from the bottle every day. Schizophrenia is just one more challenge, I like to think of it that way

I have the same deal and I wonder, why can’t we have a pleasant relationship? I stop believing in him, then he pops up again and I say, hey I didn’t cause that! He’s only nice now when I do art. I wonder will this lover of yours return? It’s so hard to face, you may deny the truth again. If you relapse don’t get discouraged it’ll go and come back and go again and you’ll eventually completely let go. At least I hope I like you can face the truth, the void seems worse than a tormentor.

We really should talk, we have identical problems. My Alter was my imaginary friend as a child and always kind and always told me that I am God but he was God to me. Then he killed me when I was 22, I mean he put out my light and tortured me for 30 years while I still loved him. It’s super clever, a tormentor who helps you, so you trust him and cannot let go and even emulates old loved ones in your life so you cannot let go, you cannot let go no matter how he hurts you. You are desperate for a friend. Does that sound familiar?

@Cragger That’s an excellent perspective. Part of what’s so tough about this for me is that it started 4.5 years ago, but I got sober 3 years ago. And was still walking around with all of my delusions sober and active in recovery. But one good thing about being in recovery is that there’s other mentally interesting people in recovery. The friend I talked to is a sober friend. I’m still not sure what or how much of this I’ll share with other people in recovery, but it’s nice to at least have the option of talking to people who understand what it’s like to be dealing with mental health stuff.

@Jinx My delusion is based on a real person who I thought was communicating with me through music, basically. I found some CBT worksheets online about reality testing and am focusing on trying to reality test questionable things as they happen. I know that I need to get professional help, but it’s helping me to sort out what I think is happening in the meantime.

I really wanted to believe that my delusions were true, and so I looked for things that supported the delusion, and then when the delusion was established I just assumed that everything was how I perceived it to be. There are still some past events that I have question marks around, it’s a person who I’d been acquainted with in real life and some of those events involved things that other people said. I’m just trying to say that I don’t know what actually happened and I probably never will. I’m leaving a question mark around that stuff and not getting too deep into ruminating over it.

One thing that I was thinking about today as I was reality testing hearing music in some stores is that, even if it was “real,” do I actually want a relationship with someone who treats me like this? If someone is playing mind games and purposefully encouraging unstable behavior in someone who’s visibly struggling, that’s not very kind, respectful, or supportive behavior.

It’s maybe easier, on an ego level, to say, “I don’t want someone who treats me like this,” rather than “I was delusional and irrational and he wasn’t interested in having anything to do with me.” But also, I mean, my willingness to accept this also says a lot about how much I value myself and what I expect from relationships. I’ve read online that people who have erotomania have low self-esteem and I can see that, it takes a pretty low self-esteem to think that someone who wouldn’t even talk to me is my best chance at love.

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