I posted yesterday, I hope that it’s not too soon to post again. I’m just really starting to come to terms with all of this. And one of the things that’s super painful is realizing how isolated and alone I am.
I have erotomania and spent the last four years thinking that I was literally emotionally linked to someone - when I had emotions that I couldn’t understand in the context of my life I thought that it meant that he was reading my messages and it was an emotional response from him. (I mostly did not send messages to him directly, THANKFULLY. The only upside of this was that I was delusional enough to think that he was tracking down messages that I left for him instead of harassing him.)
Even when the delusion became persecutory there was some comfort in not feeling alone. And now I realize that I’m super disconnected from my own feelings and I can’t process them. I realize that I am actually totally alone, and that he’s been living his life not giving me a second thought. It’s reality, that’s what all the evidence I have suggests, he is not in my life nor does he want to be.
Even though I know that it’s a delusion, it’s painful to flip back to thinking that it’s real for a minute, and then to realize that it’s not. It was a comfort to have my delusion, which is why I guess I held onto it for so long. But it’s absolutely bonkers. I can see that now, and I’m ashamed of that.