The loneliness of losing my delusion

I posted yesterday, I hope that it’s not too soon to post again. I’m just really starting to come to terms with all of this. And one of the things that’s super painful is realizing how isolated and alone I am.

I have erotomania and spent the last four years thinking that I was literally emotionally linked to someone - when I had emotions that I couldn’t understand in the context of my life I thought that it meant that he was reading my messages and it was an emotional response from him. (I mostly did not send messages to him directly, THANKFULLY. The only upside of this was that I was delusional enough to think that he was tracking down messages that I left for him instead of harassing him.)

Even when the delusion became persecutory there was some comfort in not feeling alone. And now I realize that I’m super disconnected from my own feelings and I can’t process them. I realize that I am actually totally alone, and that he’s been living his life not giving me a second thought. It’s reality, that’s what all the evidence I have suggests, he is not in my life nor does he want to be.

Even though I know that it’s a delusion, it’s painful to flip back to thinking that it’s real for a minute, and then to realize that it’s not. It was a comfort to have my delusion, which is why I guess I held onto it for so long. But it’s absolutely bonkers. I can see that now, and I’m ashamed of that.

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I mourn my psychotic self sometimes

Some of the themes should have been true, but guess not

My way of describing it would be like you go so high in your own consciousness, then when you come crashing down to reality, everyone is gone…

Such a shame

I have wanted to become less isolated for a long time now, but no real opportunities have presented themselves in nearly 10 years now

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Yeah I get what you mean. I had grand delusions about being special somehow or having some larger than life mission. So for me, when I came back to my senses I felt a great loss of purpose and meaning to my life.

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