Been really depressed lately and a thought of suicide popped in my head for the first time in a while. I thought about how beautiful it would be when I died. About how everything would go black or I’d go to heaven. And how I hate life so much given my current depression. Then I thought about “what if I live this ■■■■■■■■ life out until I’m meant to die, then I would feel really accomplished about dying.” And all of a sudden I felt better.
I think that thought gives me comfort. One day it will be all better. Why make it better now, when it will be even better if I deal with the ■■■■■■■■ for the next x amount of years or so…and then die.
If you haven’t read my posts I believe strongly in an afterlife and an omnipotent God. And flowers and fields and isolation in heaven. Paradise. And that will happen one day…it’s just not now. It’s not time. I feel better now. Peace
I also believe in the after life. I am christian but I warn you you probably won’t go to Heaven if you take your life. just sayin’. there is scripture that backs up what I said.
I’m not Christian and don’t believe in anything other than what God has shown me right in front of my eyes. But I believe for some reason i shouldn’t commit suicide…Not that I will go to hell but for some reason I believe I am being tested. Will I make it through this life? I’m trying.
Have courage, I do the same, I don’t like life as it is, but I don’t like death, either. I am being patient for good things to happen. I don’t believe in Christian God as you do, so I am not sure that after death there is life. So, I 'm trapped.
Hopefully it’s just the winter blues I’m having because I love being in nature in short sleeves and warmth. And now it’s snowing today and causing me depression. I do like the idea of paradise. But there’s no way I deserve paradise if I kill myself. Maybe I’ll be re-incarnated as a slightly more enlightened/patient schizophrenic and have to go through this life one more time until I truly reach nirvana, then I’ll be ready for heaven. I have thoughts like these. That you have many lifetimes until your soul becomes experienced enough that you are ready for heaven.
Unfortunately my favorite thing to do is take hallucinogenic drugs in nature. Heaven I’d be able to do that. Or maybe not have the need to do that. I can wait til heaven to do that. Or whatever. I just know I’d be happy in paradise…because it’s paradise. Drinking wine and taking shrooms while running through my farm fields, farming my crops. Sorry if I’m saying disturbing things but I need to get things off my chest. Fortunately i see my therapist at 5.
Never say that again, we are here to help. I may not like what I read always, but if it makes you well, you should talk about it. Paradise could come on earth when you socialize, meaning having friends and a spouse. Especially the second one could help you, unless you are a loner. But having many friends is also a good thing, given the fact that they are nice to you. Lately I 've seen to have been lost my friends, but I assume that is only for a while. I can’t wait for the summer to come and go swimming, which I didn’t do last year, maybe you like swimming, too? You should think of positive things in life, and so do I.
I like having a few friends, but not too many. A spouse would be nice at times, then other times I feel I’m better off alone. I don’t like being controlled and most women seem very controlling. I have one friend I really really like, and he’s enough I feel. Sometimes I long for a women but have second thoughts about it too often. I’m quite fickle I believe. I’m not a swimmer but I love going for hikes. Sober or not they are great.
I wish I could be a writer but I don’t have the patience to write too much.
There’s plenty of things I enjoy but I struggle with depression at times anyways. I’m schizo-affective and believe I have just as bad mood swings as anybody. This will inevitably pass too, I know. But for now it’s tough.
I really like summer because I really like baseball too. I love basketball and the tourney is on, but baseball is my favorite. I also like to cook and read a little.
Thank you for helping me think of the things I enjoy, it helps a lot.
I just reminded them to you, by saying to think positive. I 'm glad I helped. You seem to have much more hobbies than me and so more positive things to think about and do. I don’t know, I think I punish myself like I ‘ve done something bad, that’s why I only like a very few things in life, but the only bad things I can remember I’ve “done” are just bad thoughts or curses. But that doesn’t mean it’s my fault if someone suffers from something I’ ve “wished”. I also feel depressed. And guilty. I 've been feeling guilty since I was 10, and can’t change that. Punishment (by feeling guilty for something) is hard for everyone, I just wish we could have our “sins” forgiven. It’s hard to regret also, because I think the others triggered me to be bad sometimes, but not always. I hope you will become well, as for me, I just hope I 'll stop feeling guilty at first.
Sometimes I feel guilty but I don’t usually identify it as guilt when those thoughts arise.
But when I do I think back and tell myself I have an illness and I was young…I’m still pretty young and will continue to make mistakes. I think I’m alright at not blaming myself, but those thoughts definitely do still arise, now that I think about it. I’m not sure how to get you to forgive yourself but maybe I can help a little idk. Btw I’ve noticed I really like your posts @redrose. you are one of the most helpful posters here and very kind and wise. I’m happy to see when you post. So that should make you forgive yourself a little I feel, that I think that way towards you. I hope you get over your guilt or at least learn to put it past you when those thoughts arise. When i read, I read buddhism and taoism and eastern religions, and that helps a lot at “being present” and “living in the moment”, not dwelling on the past. Which reminds me I need to do more of that. I love this author Alan Watts.
It will get better and then it will get worse and then better again. Your on a journey and sometimes the journey just sucks. But the good times out weigh the bad times in every case even if you can’t see it now. The sunshine of your life will come back.
Turningthepage you ‘re so kind! Thank you very much for your words! I was reading an article about bullying, and that helped me a lot to understand how humanity works. We all make mistakes and make fun of, blame, etc others but the article was saying that we must get ourselves in others’ place. Those words may seem irrelative, but it’s about guilty I was talking about I think. If we treat others well, and respect ourselves, we may find peace and live the paradise here in this life! And that means that we won’t feel guilty! The article said that we treat (and get treated) others badly, without understanding it, so, maybe we should think twice before saying or doing something? And maybe as I said that way we can find peace. Besides, what is best, to get a fake enjoyment of torturing others or just being ourselves and happy? However, it’s also the aspect of getting bullied except being perpetrators. But I believe, that if we can teach ourselves to respect others, we can teach this to others, too, by being serious and not “joke”, and also calm! Hope I helped you find “your” paradise and sorry for being late in answering, I was doing something! Have a good afternoon!
And I have to say I 'm not perfect! Because some times I wish bad things to happen because I don’t want to know that I am the only one suffering, but that might go away with therapy. I suggest you all do cognitive-behavioural therapy, 'cos it seems to help. You will see the big difference after one year! And also, I have to say this is the best site I’ve always been on the internet, because all people here are special in a good way and kind, unlike in other sites. I am not the only one that I might be kind as you say, but almost all people here. Keep going like this, guys!
I’m the same way when I think about how satisfying it will be to die of natural causes when I’m old. I’ll be able to look back and say I made it through everything. I think that will be the greatest feeling, knowing I gave it my all to get to that moment.
Why not trying to live your life at the best? Why not enjoying good moments? We have an illness, but we don’t have to be sad all the time. Meds and therapy help. We should live our lives the best we can, so as to have good memories and not only memories of struggling and feeling sorry for ourselves. I am kind of more optimistic today, but I 've been through a lot and now try to see as many positive things as I can. Continue taking your medication, if it fits best for you, have some people to trust and you might get back from life what you have missed.
I hope you will become well, as for me, I just hope I 'll stop feeling guilty at first.