I feel like nobody cares about me and I feel like they all talk about me behind my back. I have this urge to just ghost everyone before they can hurt me. I feel so alone and I feel like that’s how it’s supposed to be.
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Even your family?
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No, nobody has time to hate you, they’re too busy hating me.
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I ghost friends and family a lot. But i do it out of getting to exhausted from social anxiety.
Im sure the thoughts you are having are a little exaggerated. And that people dont really hate you. Unless youve done something horrible to them of course.
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You can feel the loneliness when you’re by yourself.
In my case they’re robots or actors.
I can’t connect to them
Noise, you and I have known each other a long time. And i know that has not been the smoothest of relationships. But I have always cared for you. You are deeply loveable.
You get trapped in these cycles sometimes. I am never sure where it starts or ends, but it is a cycle I see a lot with the kids I take in. It is something like
Not able to see a difference someone being angry at them and someone hating them to their very core.
Panic attacks when friends try to address conflicts
Friends feel extremely worried by the panic attacks that frequently include suicidal ideation
Friends stop bringing up conflicts, because they don’t want their loved friend to feel that much agony; and their own issue seems minor in comparison
Friends hold in their minor conflicts until they become so huge they either explode or completely shut down emotionally.
Friends are suddenly screaming at them or reusing to answer and messages.
Kid is deeply confused because they had no warning, because the friends hadn’t been bringing up conflicts out of fear. They have no idea what they did wrong. By this point, their friend also might not remember the original issue. Only the deep, festering wound that has grown too big to ignore, and the bone-deep exhaustion from having to carefully choose every word to avoid triggering the kid
Kid is convinced they are deeply unloveable to their very core. They cannot identify any one thing they did wrong. They only see a pattern of earnest effort met with sudden abandonment.
Kid makes a new friend. It is going well until the first conflict. Usually in the form of kid accidentally insulting someone.
Friend says they were hurt by those actions
Kid has a panic attack because they do not understand the difference between doing a bad thing and being a bad person. They feel deeply unloveable and suicidal
Friend backtracks, reassures kid they are loved. Drops the initial issue
And so on.
It is an extremely common train among abuse survivors. If someone spends a large portion of their childhood being treated as property, and having their agency stolen, it can be hard to understand that they are people. It can be hard to understand the concept of having choices. It can be hard to understand the concept of making a choice. It can be hard to understand the concept that no human can be all good or bad.
You are a deeply loveable person, and deeply compassionate. Your compassion is misdirected and it causes issues for you. You can work on finding new paths for your compassion. In order to succeed there, you will need to eventually take some time to learn to get comfortable with the idea that you are a human being who occasionally ■■■■■ up, even when you have the best of intentions. And that you are loveable anyways.
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Compassion is a waste of time all it does is get you hurt I’m done being compassionate.
A thing like me wasn’t designed for love or friends or compassion. There’s nothing I’m just an empty shell and a waste
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That’s up to you. Just remember you are the one making that choice. Nobody forced you into it.
You haven’t had an easy life. None of us have. But don’t labor under the delusion that a rough past means you are exempt from making choices in the present. You can choose to be more than an empty shell. You can choose to give up and never try for anything ever again. But you’re making the choice, either way.
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I like compassion but I also like setting lines and space because compassion includes looking out for me too. It’s a fine balancing act.
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Sounds like depression to me
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If you believe you are then you are. I’d suggest trying something different if you’d rather enjoy your life.
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That’s a good word 
maybe the art of friendship is going 50/50 with all things and not keeping tabs when it isn’t.
Like meeting your friend halfway between your houses.
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Hahaha yeah it’s all my fault in the end. Absolutely no one but me contributed to me feeling so dead inside I don’t even feel capable of love anymore.
I broke myself apart again and again trying to be happy and helpful and kind it’s all been a waste in the end lmao
I’m always going to be a problem and a freak hated by everyone it doesn’t matter anymore
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I know it probably is but it just hurts so bad I’m so tired I just want to turn off all my feelings forever I hate it
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It’s hard not to believe it when everything seems to be drilling it into you
Hey, you are not hated. Even when we had to talk about things with you, @Ninjastar can confirm I was always rooting for you. You’re a good pwrson. You just don’t know it.
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I don’t hate you, but I need to avoid people who are entirely negative for my own well-being. People who are nothing but a deep pit of negativity are toxic to those around them.
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Idk something irl happened recently and it makes me feel like everything is just a waste.
Basically I got some bad medical news and none of my friends were really there for me
And I know I’m not entitled to anyone’s time or energy but nobody really even checked on me
Like I genuinely was not sure if I would survive and I had to deal with that all by myself
Like idk aren’t your loved ones supposed to care when things are bad for you??
Like I’ve been through so much with them through thick and thin and I kinda just got left to rot.
It makes me wonder why I even tried
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Other people contributed. Absolutely no one but you can contribute to you feeling alive inside. That’s what I am saying.
In my experience, when the news is drastic, sometimes people who care about me avoid me at all costs because of the fear of me dying. Which sucks, and doesn’t help, and makes me feel super bitter.
Sometimes, people avoid me because I suck at asking for support when I need it. They know I am dealing with a lot, and they don’t know how to help, so they wait for me to say what I need. And I never do. These people tend to respond pretty quickly if I ever DO ask for help.
Sometimes, on the flipside, people avoid me because they have been burning the candle at both ends trying to help me through a crisis, and they’re too tired. They have to pull back for their own mental health. This one happened when I was a kid. When my dad was sick, everyone banded together to help us. After he died, people started dropping away. They realized there was now no end to the crisis. We were going to just have to figure out how to live like this forever. And nobody can keep up that extreme level of support forever.
And yeah, sometimes people avoided me because I wasn’t fun anymore and they only wanted me around for my entertainment value. But that one is far less common than I had believed prior to therapy. When I am in my crisis and don’t have support, it is much easier for me to believe I have been abandoned, because I need to focus on getting through the crisis. Afterwards, it is time to brush off the empathy circuits and realize that other people have a multitude of reasons and motivations, and you can only guess them accurately about 5% of the time.
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A lot of people have very negative feelings about me. Sometimes its hard for me to sort out what I am guilty of and what other people are guilty of. If they admitted all the facts about their behavior towards me they would be guilty in the eyes of the law. They relentlessly invaded my privacy in a heinous way. I hardly ever mention any money I might sue them for, but they’re always saying that I’m trying to get money. They must have a pretty good idea that they’ve done something I can get money for.
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