The more and more I listen to people and how they interact and act in situations around one another I feel like I’m around psychopaths. I literally watch a lot of crime documentaries, and for the most part since my diagnosis and onset my mind has been turned of to some extent. now the more and more I brisk in and out of reality in that human way that I use to be like before diagnosis, I get fleeting memories and thoughts and pick up on things that never truly seem right. for example; when you are schiz it’s almost like your social clues and surroundings are completely non existent, you’ll put yourself in dangerous situations without even realizing it or interact in ways that are stranger compared to the norm due to your reaction to conversation and missing signals.
Now to put it simply; now that I see more and more of people and how they interact, even the closest people I know like family and such have major issues. What I mean is, some of the things I hear people say and interact bewilder me. To such an extent that I’m kind of saddened that some people can be so psychopathic. It’s almost like you look at people in prison/jail and how they interact. Than you look at some people in society there is a closer resemblances with people that don’t break the law and those that do. what i’m trying to get at is, in that psychopathic/narcissistic sense that people can sometimes have it’s almost like it’s been so infectious that it has hit everyone around. From the simplest things of judging someone based of how they dress, to judging someone by the reflection of their skin or the tone of their voice or there sexuality. People are so instilled in their thought patterns and beliefs that they can’t even break from who they are meaning they aren’t able to disassociate from the mind to think differently or act differently to some extent.
It comes simple just the way people interact of the simplest of things and the mindless conversations that it can almost be freighting, there has been instances where i’m around people or talking to them and some are respectable figures in society and I almost get this feeling (in a non-paranoid schizophrenic way) that if I said the wrong thing or crossed this person they’d snap and beat or put you in the ground over non sense. It’s almost like gang, manipulation tactics that people are using to such an extent that it has effected the populous. For example; have you ever seen “gang” documentaries, the way some of the gang members hold themselves and interact right? it’s on such a level that it is completely psychopathic and narcissistic that you can see the mixes and blends between people in society “the good doers” and the gang members. It’s getting to such an extent for myself to witness these crazy behaviors and thoughts that i’m having to withdraw more and more from society. If you’ve ever seen the movie 'The Beach" with leo dicaprio and how he withdraws from the colony/group on the beach and sits by himself up in the woods and completely loses his mind, that is how I feel, I recommend anyone to turn their brain on and watch that movie. To me, personally. I’m finding it harder to interact with people because of these things. all I want to do is sit in my house, shut the door, sit by the tv or computer, shower, bathe, eat and toiletry and that’s all. I even go as far as getting my food delivered to my door. the interactions with certain people not all but a lot are to such an extent that it really really effects me. I’ve almost spoken to hardly anyone since my diagnosis because of it.
And what drives me even more insane in this society we live in, is people like ourselves or others may slip up and do something wrong during a pit of insanity and be held behind closed doors with people in a jail cell that are even worse than those that are freely roaming society. and that there is a fairly freighting thought. I feel like I could literally live the rest of my days behind closed doors. All these people out there talking about wolves and sheep in society, I’m none of that, I’m just a bear dead set with snake eyes and I’m slowly hibernating and waiting for my time to come, only having to leave my cave for the bare necessities.
it use to effect me so much that I had to withdraw or act aggressively towards people to warn them away, slowly i’ve turned that down to a “chill” level, but people really do frighten me based upon some of the things they say. if you ever really sit there and listen to people you can pick up on it fast and it can really mess with your head. It’s absolutely bat sh#t crazy to me that I feel that so many people in society need bloody psychiatric tests upon them.
Does anyone feel the same?