Isolation isnt good but now I dont want to leave the house at all. Every time I go to the store or anything it increases my anxiety. I got the first covid19 vaccine and it made me feel unusually good and made my ears stop ringing. Which is really strange. Does this mean my tinnitus might be inflammation or biological?
I really need to figure things out. I called my insurance and Im trying to get into rehab. I really dont feel great about going but my therapist thinks I need help and that it would be better prob. more effective than the psyche ward. However if that doesn’t work I may go to the local ER and admit myself, I keep relapsing and I feel sick. Yesterday I relapsed again even though I felt fine and happy and I didnt want to use. I was filled with anxiety when I was triggered to use from a text from a phone that wasnt blocked.
The only cure for the anxiety in my mind when I was triggered was to use more drugs, and feel better. Why do I think this way when Im triggered, because the drugs never make me feel better. Im fooling myself. So I do think I need something for depression or to help with my impulse or what is driving me to use the stimulant type drugs and not able to say no.
But I got really sick last night, It was either laced with something or it was my immune system reaction. I feel like I am tasting arsenic or rat poison in my mouth. I thought I was going to die. Its a nasty taste and feeling and it made me think I almost died or gave myself cancer and I feel horrible. I thought my painting changed because I noticed something I hadnt before, so my perceptions have been altered. I feel like the angels who were protecting me all left, like I destroyed them. I feel guilty for all the things I say online and I cant help me. Im mad at myself for being weak and relapsing and dealing with stupid petty existential dilemmas.
I dont want to be a burden I want to uplift people.