I was anxious, obssessed by my dumb thoughts, dumb, agitated, far from my personality etc etc. I took a bit of ativan. Idk, i have so many symptoms. How i am gonna to socialize one day? My behaviour is strange because of all this. Or when i am calmer i even dont talk because of my non existant personality 
. Ok, tomorrow is another day. Ill see if ill succeed to go a bit far from my home to one mall center… whatever, i know ill be breathless in the bus because of all the people, a bit angry because of this fear who pisses me off but ill see… ill be happier if ill do this at the end but ill see in the morning how i am.
I should say also that i find that meds put me in bad states too, i am not sure. But its too much… bad states from the meds plus the illness. Hugs
Gosh, i went deep in the illness, i feel alone. Plus, i did nothing active today. Its not promising for my future. And i really want to recover. I am not impatient, its just that i was ill since kid and i start to get old…
maybe go for a walk at the park? or somewhere near nature?
Try to get some sleep tonight. most problems look more managable the next day. If the people on the bus bother you, maybe bring a magazine or small newspaper to read. That will give you a place to put your eyes instead of all that akward eye contact with strangers or visually scanning around. You can be on the bus and still hiding behind the mag or paper.
Thank you macy 
. I go out with my sunglasses and the radio on my phone. But in the evenings like now i just watch the people on the tv and ask myself for hours how and when i am gonna to recover. I just pray that it wont take more years… its quite unfair my situation. Its not human anymore cause no friends, no job, no activities and 15 years behind me of despair and social isolation. Oh yeah, my body with all this - in terrible terrible state 
.