i was just talking to my mom and she reminded me that I used to tell her that the tv is telling me so many bad things and I instantly remembered so much like I went back in time for a second about how I changed my tv to the church channel because I was constantly in fear that I was possessed and that my lights started flickering when I was reading the bible and also I would put salt and garlic on the vents because I thought other people in the house were listening to my thoughts and talking to me through the vents because they were evil and the voices bringing up things from my past telling me I am the reason they happened and making me believe they were actually the people they sounded like and everytime i would smoke weed i would twitch so much like if I just did meth and so much crazy â– â– â– â– going on like I felt my life was in danger at all times, I also remembered something on my last med what I would see when having sleep paralysis every night when I was on Zyprexa and waking up afterwards seeing spiders in the air and other stuff,
I cant believe sometimes I say I don’t want to be cured for ■■■■sake the meds must really be working or my memory is just really bad I never want my symptoms to get as bad as they used to now I am more aware and probably wouldn’t be as delusional if they did but still life was hell I still cant believe I am still alive all the times I tried to kill myself and now I am just feeling down and want to do some drugs but I am definitely not touching any weed remembering what it used to make me feel like
Yeah looking back it is some scary â– â– â– â– . I used to feel demons possessing me, I remember one time looking at the sun coming in through the window and seeing little shapes there and a voice saying those were the hellfire beings. Some scary â– â– â– â– .
Yeah a lot of bad stuff. A lot of exciting stuff. But a lot of bad. I think our brains protect us by blocking it from our memory or dampening it so it seemed less intense.
I wrote about my psychosis. I compiled the diary entries and other writings I did while psychotic and then when I was better I wrote retrospectively about my experience as well. When I read back through it I can see what the psychosis was. I can see the point where I really lost my mind. It is scary stuff.
I did a lot of writings too. It used to be bad for me to look back through them. Set me off again, or at least got my paranoia going bad. I’m pretty stable now though. Haven’t even experienced paranoia in ages. I guess when I say my psychosis isn’t bad anymore I mean that I don’t get paranoia anymore. I get anxiety but not paranoia, it’s distinctly different, worrying versus pure fear.
Anyways I have loads and loads of journals. Drives my parents nuts. They say “do you really need all these journals? Can you throw some out?” But that’s my library of Alexandria. Details my history as a person. Can’t throw any of it out. I’d go furiously mad if they did that. My journals are my most precious possessions.
I have writings that I did during psychosis I wish I would have wrote more sometimes it feels like none of it ever happened and some days I will be wondering why I even still take my meds than I go back and read and the memories are clearer and makes me feel a bit better knowing my life isn’t like that anymore
I was keeping a journal at the time of my first break. It’s been a while since I looked at it, but I wrote some pretty wild stuff in a paranoid delusional state.