I can’t remember most of my psychosis only key events and the way I viewed the world. The pdoc said I wouldn’t remember most of it. Why is this.
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I just can’t remember when I was hospitalized (probably because I was on strong medications), but before that, things were clear for me. I remember the moments I almost went to another state in order to “start a new life”.
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I don’t remember most of my psychosis, nor most of my past anyways, since my memory is so bad.
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I black out when I get psychotic. That’s why I try to take my meds everyday.
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I remember every detail of my psychosis which really sucks because it was so horrible. 
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I try not to dwell on things I’ve said and done when psychotic and what the voices said, etc. for fear of the delusional ideas becoming fixed.
But I can remember most of it if I go there.
The last week or so has been unusual. After it started, it went from slightly familiar to super strange stuff that reminded me of stuff I went thru 10-15 years ago.
Doing well today though, got out for a bit. Decided to just stop responding to my voices out loud. It worries my GF and she can get upset very easy when she is too nervous about her problems. Realized that I needed to stop getting angry and trying to explain certain things aren’t my fault. If I know I’m right and didn’t really do anything too wrong, why do I have to prove it to her when she’s not feeling well and shows it?
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If you include inpatient, outpatient, and PHP like 10-20 times. That’s a big gap and it’s all a blur.
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Multiply that by how many times I’ve relived my life ( say 1 million times) I’ve been hospitalized 10-20 million times lol. Why I hate the hospital so much. I have “nightmares” from past lives.
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I wish I had written a diary whilst it was happening to know for how long I had it and when it got more serious cos I really have no idea exactly. Also I cant remember how it started but the most vivid things I do remember like you.
Unfortunately I remember details.
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I remember the paranoia but misperceptions are way more vague and dreamlike for me.
I remember all of my delusions. Every time I finally popped out of one, I’d recognize it was crazy/silly and wondered why I believed it, then a new one would pop up. Some delusions still haven’t gone away after years. I just don’t sound like a “raving lunatic” or anything to people (yet, since I’ve always been the type to hide things), so even people who know I have psychosis forget I’ve had delusions.
My other whackjob theories (that aren’t delusions, just weird theories I have about things like autocannibalism and egoism) look like genius ideas on the surface to people but are really just me making leaps and thinking things are connected that aren’t really.
I had a diary from some of my psychotic, prodromal period and it’s basically word salad. I thought that my soul came from a dying star in the 9th dimension or something.
I remember most of it, not that I dwell on it. They are bad times and thankfully my brain does not constantly go over old times
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I don’t understand the 9th dimension? I remember for me I thought I was about to discover new theories connecting chakras, emotions and health which I was writing down but threw away. I really thought I was onto something.
I don’t remember much of my psychosis, only bits and pieces. I remember the feelings though, some of the fear and terror that came along with the delusions and paranoia. The trauma of it sticks with you.
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Trauma was a big part for me. I remember places I went but it’s all foggy. I don’t even remember when my illness started. Anywhere from 7 to 10years ago
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There are supposedly like 11 dimensions in reality, maybe more. The fourth dimension is time, plus the three previous dimensions, and the fifth dimension is every moment in time happening at once, over the past four dimensions. I think the sixth dimension is every universe happening at once, on top of the previous five dimensions, so like multiverse theory. I can’t wrap my head around the seventh dimension.
For some reason I thought I came from the ninth dimension. Just was crazy logic, there was no rational basis to it.
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I remember my 2015 hospitalization though. Think it was around March or May. Can’t really remember. But I was really sick. Could have been a lot of things causing it like supplements or monster drinks or not taking meds. But I had some serious delusions. Most of them are resolved. I don’t understand how one could be that delusional or sick. Thought there was a conspiracy to make me disappear. I’m scared to go back to that hospital. A lot of the patients were bad people imo. Thought some of the staff wanted me dead. Maybe they gave me adderall? Something triggered something. Like repressed memories? Thought the government was in my head or reading my thoughts and wanted me dead. Oh boy, was I sick.
I kept my mouth shut I was so scared. I think that’s why I’m alive. When youre very psychotic, like I was, you say some crazy things.
See before that, I thought someone was going to kill me. My step father fed into my delusions, though I don’t think he meant too. I still think he has narcissistic traits though.
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