and shudder? Do you ever get flashes of what you did and think how terrifying? How embarrassing? How tragic? or in my case a couple of times, funny? Like the time I got brought home with a hand full of worms and an old baby doll I found, soaking wet from the rain and they had to throw me in the tub to warm me up.
I remember one time I almost attacked my meds management nurse when I was psychotic. I was screaming so loud that everyone in the building could hear me. I remember watching myself from across the room. I remember the Director coming in and introducing herself, it really scared me because she has my same name and I thought it was a voice because my eyes were closed and I was crying so hard. They decided to hospitalize me.
Yes, i did things that im still extremely terrified and ashamed about. Not even very physical things (violence, etc). But mainly inner things i thought or said that i still find scary. My mind created very horrible scenarios and i still fear they will come true at times.
I also did things that made my family afraid, like running away from the ward to another country. I deeply regret that.
And things that were just weird…i ran around naked through the ward, i talked to a fly, i gave away 800 euros cash to a homeless lady on the streets when she asked me for a few coins.
I often (daily) flash back to the scary things and i laugh about the weird things.
My episode happened 10 years ago and its becoming more of an unwanted memory… i still cringe… but then there is plenty of weird things I have done even when not psychotic
I think about my psychotic experiences a lot. Mostly I am in disbelief thinking, “how could I have done that!” I almost ran my mom over In my car my last psychotic break. That’s enough to scare me into taking my meds!
I usually look back at the episodes like I was a different person. But, sometimes, I have enough tenderness to forgive and speak about it aloud if only to myself for now.
Yes it is…though in a way it isnt. I guess it is just as traumatic as when something bad happens in reality, because for me at that time it was real.
I went out to the streets at dawn half naked looking for the boy that I believed was my soul mate and that we communicated telepathically.My sister came and took me to the hospital.
Now I communicate with that boy by email much more logical and normal.
I just pretend all the bad stuff that happened to me never happened. When you’ve been as unfortunate as I have been over the years you just learn to block it all out and enjoy a good burger or a show or, before corona virus, some bar hopping.
I remember my psychotic episodes. What terrorizes me is the memory, or lack of memory, of things I said and did when I was drunk. That is a common experience among alcoholics. In AA meetings they talk about things they did on a blackout that were horrifying when they found out they did them. There has been a couple of times I woke up in jail and had no idea what I did to end up there.
My first episodes when I first got ill are vague memories. I remember snippets like dancing down the road with headphones on, oblivious to traffic. And having that bizarre haircut. And like laughing at my mom in the kitchen with bread knife in my hand and she saying it wasn’t funny.
Recent episodes I remember more. My visits from Alien and hearing voices and how fiery they are. Crying for him to stop tormenting me. Dancing and pacing and laughing at stupid things. Feeling jumbled in my thoughts. Believing my mother in law out to get me (she is just waiting for right moment…)
My psychosis is not so severe that I did many embarrassing things but it did affect me in many small ways.