I want to give up. I want to kill myself. I am having command hallucinations, telling me to hurt others and to hurt myself. I would rather die than hurt someone else. They even tell me to hurt my cat. I love my cat. My mom says it’s a mix of schizoaffective disorder and OCD. I think I will snap one day and do something to someone. I’ve asked to be taken to the hospital but they don’t have any beds and I have an appointment Monday but they still might not have a bed. I have violent impulses and voices and images/videos in my head. It’s too much. What if I snap? It’s happened before. I took iron pills because of it, burned myself because if it, took pain pills because of it, licked a wall because of it, jumped off my bed because of it. I have resisted some things but not others. I never jumped out of the car or cut myself. I’m trying to stay in my room, away from my cat and my grandpa who trigger the voices most. My mom won’t let me just stay in here the whole time even though she said that she would. I cannot handle this. What should I do? I did some calculus a little bit ago. I listened to music, I watched YouTube videos. This is stupid. I can’t live like I’m running. I have a building feeling that I’m living in a freaking dream world. The sick thing is that I find myself wondering if it would really matter if I killed someone. I know that’s a bad thought. Of course it would matter. Someone would be dead. But I think it in terms of, does anything really matter? I am running. I know now that the voices are products of my own mind, so why is my mind so freaking violent? I don’t want this, any of it.
My only advice is to try to calm yourself, reach out to somebody and get some help. Go to the hospital if need be, a bed should eventually turn up. It’s good that you’re talking to us here but you probably should be talking to somebody in real life too. Don’t hurt anybody. You obviously have the capacity to not hurt anybody because you haven’t yet. Try to get some help. It absolutely does matter.
Don’t give up. I am rooting for you. 
I want you to know there is a difference between having violent thoughts and having violent actions. Many people suffer from intrusive thoughts that tell them to hurt others. Very few people actually act on these impulses. If you’ve acted on a violently impulse before, and you’re worried about doing it again, you really need to be in the hospital. Tell them you have a history of violent behavior and you want to hurt someone again. That should get you a bed pretty quickly.
If you have never acted out violently, I understand your fear, and you should still call any of the numbers I will provide, but I want you to know that violent thoughts do not equal violent actions. You can’t control your thoughts. You can control your actions.
If you are feeling suicidal, please tell someone — a friend or family member, a teacher, a doctor or therapist or call 911 (if you’re in the U.S.) or the Emergency Medical Services phone number in your country.
You can also call a suicide prevention hotline—these are available in the U.S. and in many other countries.
International suicide hotlines:
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
http://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_online.html
Suicide hotlines in the U.S.:
I will also say, if you have a history of violent behavior and your thoughts are fixating on hurting your cat, it might be time to find another home for the cat. I know you love it, and pets are part of the family, but it’s better for your cat to be safe somewhere else than in danger around you.
You did the right thing. But I don’t know what other advice to give you.
Staying in your room alone could be a bad idea too. I’d trust your mother on this.
One thing for certain is that you have to tell the doctor on monday exactly what you’ve told us here.
Fifths please don’t hurt yourself I am suicidal right now too. You gave me a little hope to believe things will get better. Can we just talk abit
You told them you were suicidal and they refused you a bed? That’s terrible 
when you back there emphasize that you feel you are definite risk to yourself and others. Hopefully that gets you a spot sooner. You are going through a lot, just hang on. You’ll get the support you need @Sardonic . I’m very sorry you have to hurt as you do 
you are a good person and these intrusive thoughts are just the result of an illness. Others here have given good advice so also listen to them.
I’ve never hurt anyone else, only myself. I told myself that I would never hurt anyone, but I am worried I will snap. My mom is around, and my brothers and my grandpa. I’ve had violent command thoughts about all of them and my cat. I am worried I will act on them. I was thinking that it would be best if I killed myself to avoid acting on these thoughts.
Have you tried calling suicide hotlines? They should be able to talk to you while your emotions relax. Stay alive and if you really are becoming a risk to yourself or others, you can try just going to an emergency room.
things will get better. I know it sucks. try to be patient and let this experience pass. We all have our bad moments with this illness.
Prayers for you…
Yesterday I left my room and went to the store with my mom, then sat in the living room with her. In the store my thoughts were commanding me to hit my mom with the toaster that we were buying. I didn’t do it but I felt like I could. My mom made me hold the toaster the whole time to bring my anxiety down. It didn’t work. My thoughts were saying “just do it” the whole time. My mom thinks I control my mind. Spoiler: I don’t. I think that’s a stupid belief. If I controlled my mind, I’d just stop the violent commands, and I’d stop my thoughts from talking to me like they do. So anyway there’s no freaking way my mom would relocate the cat, not over this.
My mom says the answer is not to run to the hospital every time I feel bad. I don’t do that. I don’t even like the hospital. I’m at the end of my freaking rope. A thought entered my head just now and it said “flee or die.” I think that means run away or kill myself. I don’t know what to do. My mom wouldn’t take me to the ER. She wants me to work through it because I have all the coping skills I need. I don’t think I can get through this one. I know I don’t have it as bad as other people, but I don’t know what to do.
@Sardonic, Please, whatever you do, do NOT kill yourself or anyone else no matter what the voices say. Do NOT obey the voices. The voices are wrong. The voices are just your illness (sza) talking. Don’t listen to them. Call the E.R. morning, noon and night to ask if there is a bed available for you for as long as you are hearing the voices. Please stay safe.
The way I see it, I asked for help. There is none. I should have everything that I need. There’s no reason for me to be hospitalized. Other people need it more than me. My mom thinks I am running. She’s right, I am running, but not from responsibility. I’ve been trying to run from my mind for so long now, for years. I’ve been running from intrusive thoughts and thoughts talking to me and command hallucinations. It seems I can only escape in death. I am depressed today. I guess I never should’ve started this topic. I needed support. I still need support… I don’t know. So I’m sorry but I really don’t think I can go on, not with commands telling me to hurt others. I mean, they tell me other things too, but the thoughts telling me to hurt others are really bothering me.
I am so proud of you for reaching out! Your honesty is inspiring, Also, you are brilliant! You have such insight. It makes sense that you would want to kill yourself so you do not hurt others. It’s logical. However, the key here is that you have not killed anyone. You do not need to punish yourself. I know you are scared that you will obey your thoughts. It is noble and selfless that you would die to stop that from happening. But that decision is premature. You have not hurt anyone. You can not control your thoughts. Your mother, and others, will not understand that. They do not understand how terrifying and real it is. You are enduring, and that is beautiful. You are asking for help, and that is redemptive. Stay here with us. Keep talking. We can’t take it away, but we can support you while you endure them. You are not alone.
Thank you @FlyingPurplePeopleMeeter. I think my insight is growing. I have this thought in my head that’s like “I am a god” but I know that’s not true. I also have the idea that I’m living in a dream world and I think that’s not true too. Well, sometimes I think they’re not true. What really scares me is these thoughts commanding me to kill. I don’t want to kill anyone. I woke up feeling really depressed and I am ready to kill myself now because of these thoughts. I want to kill myself. My mom said you can go to jail for a failed suicide attempt. I know that thoughts aren’t actions but I am really not dealing with this. My desire to sit and think is growing. My mom tries to help but you’re right, she doesn’t understand. Like I just told her I still feel like killing myself and she legit said “no you don’t, put that thought out of your head.” But I do. I do feel like killing myself. She’s just dismissive and she thinks I can control the thoughts in my head. She just says “don’t think about it.” How am I supposed to stop thoughts from entering my head?
You can’t stop the thoughts coming into your head. If you could, you would. It does feel like a dream. You question your identity, if you are a god. You question your future, if you will hurt someone. You question your ability, if you should live in a hospital. You will never do enough to prove your mother wrong. Hopefully one day she will believe you. Do you speak with a counselor? Have you considered a family session? That way, your mom could hear from someone else that you are doing all you can. She can also learn more helpful things to say.
How are you now? Any relief? I’m sure your mom is doing the best she can. It sounds like she cares a lot about you. Do you have other support?
@FlyingPurplePeopleMeeter I did see a therapist but my mom wants to find me a new one. I don’t want a new therapist but I don’t really have a choice. I think my mom believes me, but she just thinks I should be better at distracting from the thoughts. Right now I’m listening to music, trying to drown the thoughts out. The music is helping some. I’m still having thoughts telling me to kill my cat but I’m not so anxious. I think my mom does care. She just can’t understand and that’s not her fault. I have my mom and you guys right now for support, along with some friends on this discord server I joined for OCD. I have a lot of support. That’s part of why I feel like I shouldn’t need the hospital.
We can definitely help to a reasonable degree but we really cannot prevent you from doing anything drastic. The hospital though can help you in that regards though