Oh man today got rough. So I was in my room, and got very, very sleepy. I was feeling frustrated with it so I took modafinil, which I guess just decided not to work because I couldn’t fight the sleepiness. Anyways I was reaching out to the spirit in my room who hangs out in my closet, he’s a nice fellow if a bit odd. I was worried he was still there because when I tried to help him move on the other day, the demons interfered and it scared the living daylights out of him. I was just getting a really scared energy from him.
So I was trying to tell him he was safe, not to worry about them, I dealt with them all the time and it would be fine, where he was going they could never reach him. And he said in this horrified little whisper “But you can’t SEE them.” As in I didn’t know how scary they looked which I actually vaguely do but anyways I told him that they purposely take scary forms to scare us more, and that if they were an actual threat and dangerous they wouldn’t NEED to take a scary form to intimidate us. But he wouldn’t listen to me he was so freaked out meanwhile Plague was getting pissed off again because wow apparently he does NOT like when I help spirits move on just found that out recently which is still somewhat crazy to me.
Anyhow I start arguing with Plague but then Plague was telling me to shut up and I could vaguely make out him and the minions harassing this poor man, making all these stupid threats that were fake. Also they were using his name, David, so I know his name now. And they were saying horrible things about his past and whatnot and trying to make him feel guilt and you know, the things they do. I donno if I feel like sharing about that as that’s sort of personal for him. Maybe after i’m sure he’s moved on and has made peace but not now.
Anyways then in the middle of this they start snapping at me to take pants off just take everything off down there and trying to pressure me into doing so and I was like what?? No?? I figured they were doing it as like a power play thing. Anyways I ended up losing because they just f***ng drug me into oblivion until I do. A voice goes “shhhh…sleep…” and stuff like that and it’s like I am being sucked down into mud and then I do things I don’t want to.
Anyhow then they start talking to David and being DISGUSTING like “you want her don’t you?” And saying how he’d died a virgin and always wanting sex but had no idea how to interact with girls and apparently it was like a big regret of his and I was telling him not to listen and to please not hurt me and I could somewhat make out his protests and him freaking out and I was trying to pray for him too but the demons kept telling me to shut up and telling me to “sleep” and all that.
Anyhow finally I couldn’t take any of the insanity anymore and I was like holy CRAP let him GO and I will let you feed on me, that’s what you want right?? Just let him go!! And they didn’t think I was being sincere at first but I sort of “grabbed” Plague (don’t know how to explain that) and he was like oh ok. Then I couldn’t hear or sense David anymore because they pulled me DOWN. And it felt like bugs were crawling all over me, especially on my leg, it was the first time I’ve ever experienced something like that and it was DISGUSTING like they were just everywhere. But I couldn’t DO anything I was so so far deep in wherever, just lying in this trance I couldn’t snap out of on my bed. It was so dark and everything outside was muffled.
And then that THING starts talking to me and I HATE him I HATE him he’s disgusting, and he did WEIRD things to me he made me feel extremely good. He said he could make me feel like that forever whenever I wanted. I don’t even know how to describe it, closest I can come is it’s like the euphoria of orgasm but your genitals aren’t involved it’s just like the high of it, and instead of only lasting a brief moment it lasts a loooooonng time. Maybe it’s like what taking some sort of thing like heroin or ecstasy feels like I don’t know. But I was FREAKED out and was panicking and he would just tell me to be calm. He is always so gentle but it terrifies me because he is very very evil.
I managed to break away at some point because I guess my panic finally got stronger than their trance spirit drugs whatever and I left the house immediately because I didn’t feel safe and that’s just always what I do. Except I haven’t felt NORMAL since then. I feel like the world is a dream and I feel like in reality I’m still stuck with this thing. Like I am in two places at once but only seeing the normal world.
I finally got my fanapt, I had to miss 3 doses, so I’m taking it now and I hope I am ok tonight. This is very wrong and confusing. I don’t understand any of this.
Summary: I am losing my damn mind
