It will be a long one.
Didn’t knew to which category to add this one - but because it’s mainly about my health and life - it should be alright here.
So, I am VERY unhappy. My break up is not the first one (with this guy), but it still hurts as hell. Overall, there’s possibility he was using me for a long time. Maybe he was not serious about me at all.
We both were as**** in last argument… that’s all I can say.
The other thing… I am confused about my decisions all the time. It’s hard to explain, but my opinions, my plans, my goals everything changes so fast- and the problem is, there is really not a lot I can do about it. I tried many things, but they simply didn’t helped.
Overall, I am non stop confused whether people around me are good or bad. (flashback) Sometimes I thought my BF is the best, then that I should more listen to my parents opinions, then, that they’re all horrible people… then, that I am good, then, that I am terrible persona. I just want to say, that it shifts often. The whole thing in my head is a bit unstable for literally no reason.
My insight, another thing. Sometimes I truly understand why am I ill, and that I have SZ, sometimes I do not. I fear that my insight is getting worse, but the problem with insight- is that if it will be gone I will not understand this.
Sometimes I fear people, and at rare moments I even feel… confident. Not much to say, but sometimes I am horrified that the other morning I will wake up and think differently. Sometimes it changes in days, sometimes in hours… ((my thinking just shifts)
Memory is also not the best. Sometimes I fear, that what I remember is false- because then I was either symptomatic or else. It’s hard for me to trust myself.
Overall, I am depressed. I hate that for me it’s way harder to easily form relationships than it was before, also, I do not look pretty to myself, and even the perception of myself changes a lot…
My pdoc said it’s not actual borderline what I just had written here. She said I have certain qualities of it, but literally not so many to fit the diagnosis. Yeah, something is wrong with me, and it’s really not clear, what is actually wrong.
I just miss my previous life, when I had no SZ.
