I don’t think people are realising just how fretful everything is. I saw the doctor today, he wants to put off messing with meds until I have a ECG as I haven’t had one in a year. I couldn’t explain myself very well I seemed to ramble about my whole delusional history because I’m an idiot I felt I need to explain everything so he’d understand me. I was rocking and angry and anxious, he was young I’m hoping he proves my judgement wrong. I was honest and said I felt close to oblivion and said I never got rid of my final suicide plan just that it gives me time to think. I was honest it was on my mind. But I’m so close to hurting myself, I wasn’t honest about that… He was the fist doctor to ever ask me if I did drugs.
I’m seeing him in four weeks, I just feel like that’s so far away, then I have to wait for meds to kick in. This is going to go on… I’m feeling skeptical. I don’t trust him. I’m upset really. I just want this to go away.
I also feel an idiot that I feel this way, he was just so young and he kept taking to my nurse like I wasn’t there. I wanted to shout “I’m not stupid I understand every word! I’m crazy not dumb!”
Maybe next time he’ll be okay. I just feel quite hopeless in this moment. I’m hoping it doesn’t reach a new height in these four weeks. A day is long enough for me four weeks feels way far away. I just don’t know.
All I wanted was my chlorpromazine increased by 25mg this seems a big fuss for that.
I’m ranting. I’ll stop.
I hope your day is letting you cope as best as you can