Schizophrenia.com

I feel misunderstood


#1

I don’t think people are realising just how fretful everything is. I saw the doctor today, he wants to put off messing with meds until I have a ECG as I haven’t had one in a year. I couldn’t explain myself very well I seemed to ramble about my whole delusional history because I’m an idiot I felt I need to explain everything so he’d understand me. I was rocking and angry and anxious, he was young I’m hoping he proves my judgement wrong. I was honest and said I felt close to oblivion and said I never got rid of my final suicide plan just that it gives me time to think. I was honest it was on my mind. But I’m so close to hurting myself, I wasn’t honest about that… He was the fist doctor to ever ask me if I did drugs.

I’m seeing him in four weeks, I just feel like that’s so far away, then I have to wait for meds to kick in. This is going to go on… I’m feeling skeptical. I don’t trust him. I’m upset really. I just want this to go away.

I also feel an idiot that I feel this way, he was just so young and he kept taking to my nurse like I wasn’t there. I wanted to shout “I’m not stupid I understand every word! I’m crazy not dumb!”

Maybe next time he’ll be okay. I just feel quite hopeless in this moment. I’m hoping it doesn’t reach a new height in these four weeks. A day is long enough for me four weeks feels way far away. I just don’t know.

All I wanted was my chlorpromazine increased by 25mg this seems a big fuss for that.

I’m ranting. I’ll stop.
I hope your day is letting you cope as best as you can
Take care,
Meg.


#2

Just wanted to shout out and say glad to see you. I’m sorry this didn’t go so smoothly.

Good for you for begin up front and letting him know what’s been going on. It’s hard to do, and it takes a lot of courage.

Sorry he didn’t do what you were hoping. Hopefully it will get easier next time.

I can totally understand why you don’t trust him, but at least you had a nurse there who can make sure your not getting bad treatment.

The only reason the doc might have been talking to your nurse more then you that I can think of… if you were getting anxious and angry, he might not wanted to bombard you with questions and make you more anxious.

I still know it feels yucky when a doc talks to every one in the room but you. I had one doc who made me feel completely invisible while he talked to my Mom. I understand she had so much information in her journal,… but I still didn’t like feeling invisible.

Hang in there, I hope you feel better soon.
I’m rooting for you.


#3

Thank you James, it’s good to see you too, that’s helped, I appreciate your replies very much. I’m calmer now but worried how I presented, I’ll make an effort to be calmer in the next one. I completely zoned my past. I fear the letter that is going to arrive.

I’ve decided I’m not going into college next week, my physio says it’ll be too much walking anyway as I’ve torn a muscle in my hip and if I’m not careful with walking I may wind up on crutches. But to be honest, I’m so on edge and so exhausted I just can’t bear it.

I appreciate your thoughts it helps so much, I’m hoping this doctor proves me wrong.

Take care, rooting for you also
Meg.


#4

Meg-Im glad also that you were able to open up to this new doctor. Write all this down for the next visit--you may not have to say a word! I would also call him and let him know how you are feeling right now--and that you are having a hard time waiting 4 weeks. You dont always have to wait if you bug people enough ;)…
My son had hip replacement surgery 4 months ago—it takes a while to heal.
Hope you can relax and pamper yourself…OO


#5

Thank you bridgecomet! I’m having a day off today and have decided I’m not going into college next week. Trying to recuperate mentally and physically.

I hope your son heals well!

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot!
Take care,
Meg.


#6

Mum just rang, asked me if I was feeling better, I thought Ipit was an odd question, I rang my appointments earlier I felt proud I could do that. I rang her afterwards to check whether I booked right times for her to be there if I need her. But she said just now I was making no sense, normally I know if I’m not making sense but today I didn’t. I wonder if I did that with the doctor I hope not. I don’t like it when I’m not aware of making sense. It’s also unfair because if my mind is clear they can still read my thoughts.

She then asked whether it was a repercussion of last night, apparently I was hallucinating writing on the walls she couldn’t get what it said from me but I kept repeating “they did this deliberately”. Now I only vaguely remember this I think the walls must have had my thoughts on them.

My mum is saying its like I haven’t had my meds, but I’m taking them, I’m very religious about taking them, she brings me my morning meds, and checks I take them. I take my evening meds on my own, even though its getting harder to do so. She always checks I take them and I don’t remember not doing so.

She thinks they may not be as effective any more that they helped me when I was isolated but now that I’m out in the open my anxiety is overpowering it all.

I’m feeling very confused.
Take care,
Meg.


#7

Meg…

I am so sorry. This does happen to me sometimes too. I try not to get too upset about it. I just try to call it a glitch.

You might want to reassure your Mom that you are taking your meds.

I can totally see how a dose that was effective for you when you had low stimuli might not work so well when your out in the world trying to keep up with class… and the fact that your recovering from a physical injury might also be triggering.

I have had times where physical pain triggered some unusual behavior in me despite taking my meds like I should. Oh the stories my sis could tell when I killed my knee two years ago.

The pain killers mixed with my normal meds… it was la la land.

I’d say… staying home for now… with a doctors note so you don’t get penalized at school, and when you decompress… I hope you get to have a quiet time with your Mom and your nurse and get some ideas to help you feel better.

Please don’t beat yourself up… You have had some through the roof stress to sort through in a very tiny amount of time. I can totally understand when you mentioned you were exhausted.

Please take time to heal and take care of yourself.


#8

hey meg. soooo sorry you’re going though a hard time right now. it’s gonna be ok. you’ll get through this and come out the other side feeling better and stronger. maybe get your mum to phone the clinic and tell them you can’t wait four weeks for your next appointment? make sure your mum knows that you are taking your meds like you say you are. you can do this, i have complete faith in you. you will get better hunni…it just takes a little while is all. much love. jayne x


#9

Hang tough Meg****
Rest and recuperate OO**


#10

Thank you @SurprisedJ, @bridgecomet, and @jaynebeal, your replies mean so much right now. They’re very thoughtful. I’m currently cuddling with my dog, he seems to know when I need extra love, I’ve had a day where everywhere the impact of my label seems to be hitting me hard. I’d much rather keep my opinion, but I can’t. People, really don’t understand it. A family member commented on an article, a lady locally with schizophrenia gave birth and obviously deteriorated into postpartum psychosis. She walked out of the hospital with her baby, neither dressed for the weather, they both died. This family member said she should have had her baby removed at birth because of her schizophrenia. I wanted to reply, say some people with schizophrenia give birth and are fine, we’re not poisonous, she was obviously very unwell and it was more the fault of the staff at the hospital than this poor woman. Yes, she walked out but nobody tried to stop her, or noticed how unwell she must have been (she was there four days). It brings it home, will she think those things of me if I ever am well enough to bear a child?

I’m around children at times and love them to bits sometimes I’m sometimes awkward, but they don’t notice, they just accept and carry on chatting or playing or whatever you were doing with them. Her children are fine with me, particularly her eldest, we get on really well and I’m not his biological cousin, it started with the fact that I could blow bubbles really big, and the younger one who I’m an aunty to, I hope we get on just as well. I think kids are fab, and it genuinely hurts I may never have any due to illness. I’m hoping once I find the right med dosage and being stable for a few years I could come off them, but I’m unstable on m current meds and most certainly become unstable when stressed. I have to find a partner to accept me first.

Sorry I’m rambling, I’ll stop now.
I hope you’re all having reasonable days, thank you for your very kind replies.
Take care,
Meg.


#11

I’m glad your taking the time to snuggle with you dog and take it easy and stay warm.

I’m sorry you family member let her mouth ramble. Kid’s know who likes them. Many times, if your real with them and you treat them with respect… they will ignore the comments of their other family and make up their own mind.

You’re family member reminds me of one of my Aunts. She is nice to me, has always visited me in hospital… was the first of my Mom’s sister’s to offer help and support when I started getting very ill, even before I was diagnosed. But she lets her mouth run and will almost parrot echo some of the stigma of the day.

Sometimes she catches herself and stops talking. But sometimes she just rambles this stuff off… I can’t tell if she honestly believes this… or if she mindlessly lets her mouth repeat what it’s heard.

I’ve been trying to find a nice way to ask her to stop that.

@Dante13 When your not under so much pressure, and things level out for you, I have a feeling you’ll find someone who you can start a family with…

First things first… let your hip heal and feel better. Don’t worry about having or not having kids just yet.

I hope you stay warm, keep snuggling
Hope you feel better soon.


#12

it’s ok to talk meg, especially here. we’re all here for you. this is a safe place to talk where most if not all understand what you’re going through right now. as for having kids, don’t worry about it right now. and you’re right, the staff shouldn’t have let that mother walk out of the hospital with or without the child as she was in a vulnerable state. she should’ve been sent to a mother and baby unit until she was stable enough to cope. i’ll be honest with you. it’s not easy having kids and being ill. luckily i had my husband and had both kids before i got sick. now it’s just me and the kids and it’s bloody hard work but rewarding nonetheless. if you find the right partner, anything is possible so don’t let negative comments put you off.

my dogs are cool too. hard work when you’re not feeling great but but brilliant for cuddles to cheer you up. you snuggle down with your furbaby and i hope you get to feeling better soon. xxx


#13

Thank you both for being honest and kind with me, I really appreciate it! @jaynebeal thank you for being honest about your own experiences with relation to having kids, I’m glad you feel it’s worthwhile, kids are a blessing and I’m glad you have a supportive partner!

It will probably be a while off for me anyway, I’m not in the capacity to even get a partner just yet. I just see all these people having babies, and two young kids in the family now (before, I was the youngest until last year). It just brings it home I feel it has passed for the minute, I’ll find my way, in my own time, my mum was 30 when she had me, that’s 8 years away, all sorts could happen! Yes dogs really are wonderful too, max is getting on now and doesn’t need long walks anymore, he just likes to plod and sniff! He’s become much more cuddly in his old age, but it is sometimes hard to find the courage to take him out for a walk, or get something off him he shouldn’t have (which is regularly), get up and take him in the garden etc, ! Like you say, he’s worth it!

Take care both of you,
Meg.