Schizophrenia.com

I'm really upset with myself

#1

A long time ago I was in a great relationship with someone. Unfortunately it was while I was really sick. It wasn’t my worst but it was leading up to it. Anyway this person was the most understanding patient person that found my schizophrenia bearable. He didn’t care that I was so sick, he know how to calm me down. But because I was so far gone and being switch on an off of medications I don’t really remember what happened or why I broke it off. I’ve been in contact with him recently and he tells me so many things that I don’t remember. And I hate myself for pushing the only understanding person in my life away. I thought I was alone for so much of what happened but I wasn’t, he was there. I don’t remember it very well. I wish I did and I’m so mad for what I did. And I’m even more mad for not remembering and not knowing why I did the things I did.

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#2

You’ve got to forgive yourself. You can’t really hold your self accountable for it like you could if you were completely sane. I did some stupid ■■■■ when I was psychotic, but at some point you have to let it go. It’s in the past.

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#3

You’ll find someone else. Guys are a dime a dozen and you’re fairly attractive. The odds are in your favor.

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#4

Its ok. You were sick. Its good that you are still in touch with him;)

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#5

There are a few of us who have pondered this… what is better… not remembering some of the worst things? Or remembering every little thing one did while they were psychotic and crumbling?

I don’t remember some of my worst. But when it comes up and I begin to realize what I actually did, who I hurt while doing it, I feel a huge weight of guilt.

Plus false memory is a big problem for us. I’ve have many I’m trying to unscramble.

I destroyed a lot of good relationships thinking the friend was out to get me, wasn’t who they said they were… etc. I do regret that. But as I got stronger, my friend came back. Some have started getting in touch with me. Other’s are still out there.

You can’t help what happened then, but if you can rebuild this friendship with the man from your past and at least end on a good note then your doing well.

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#6

I hardly remember anything at all from my psychotic episode. It’s a whole year that is missing for me. I remember bits and pieces but not as much as I would if I wasn’t ill. Don’t be hard on your self. You were ill. You didn’t know the cosequences of your actions.

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#7

Why can’t you get back together? Is he seeing someone else?

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#8

we all have lost many of our friends due to this illness( when we was sick and we cant remember why too) but you can again build your circle of friends even with him.

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#9

I could go on a monologue about what I did while psychotic. It would put what you think you did wrong to shame. So just remember that schizophrenia interferes with who we are- this is a controversial topic, speaking about whether our true selves and ill or we are not ourselves when we are ill. I decide that being psychotic is not me. Psychotic mouse is not the same as medicated mouse. I used to do REALLY stupid, bad, insane ■■■■ while psychotic, and no one blamed me because they knew I was ■■■■■■ up in the head. Like the time I started masturbating in a room full of people, not a big deal, hes crazy, like that time I got belligerent and drunk, not a huge deal, hes crazy, like that time I got so drunk that I couldnt walk, puked on my friends carpet, and my friends all took my clothes off and stuck me in a bathtub where they splashed water on me and I said “Im not a whale” (you know how whales stuck on the beach need water spashed on them?) and then played with my ■■■■■ again.

Not being emotionally responsive is also on my list of things I did wrong, I had a girlfriend who I wouldnt even kiss or hug because I was afraid of physical contact. Ive seen her since and cleared the air about that ■■■■, she knows about my condition and that I was psychotic and am all good now. I actually kissed her to make up for my psychotic behavior back then. She has a boyfriend so I asked permission to kiss her and she said sure.

Dont get angry at yourself. Get angry at schizophrenia and remember that “living well is the best revenge”

My mom knew a Jewish guy who drove a BMW sports coupe. Someone asked him “why the hell are you driving a German car?” and he laughed and said “living well is the best revenge”.

Just learn from mistakes, theyre inevitable, the only thing we can do about them is not let them happen again.

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#10

Don’t beat yourself up for when you were sick, we all have done things while ill I’m pretty sure that you can’t “make up” for what we did…sounds like you are well now and I hope your chances of getting back with your special someone is successful…

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#11

He’s getting married

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#12

Thank you so much. To everyone who wrote a reply to this. Reading these comments really helped. I have a hard time with letting things go and moving on. But this is something I now understand that I need to let go. Forgive myself, forgive my friend. I was sick and as much as it hurts not knowing, maybe its best that I don’t. I’m happy now. I don’t have to hate myself for doing this anymore.

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