Schizophrenia.com

I feel stupid

#1

I got suicidal (not enough to try something. It would kill my Grandmother slowly and I just can’t do that to her) when C said he didn’t know how much more he could take of how I have been acting on the meds I’m on now. We have been together for 4-5 years. He nursed me back to health off of the Abilify. He says it sounds like I am going back to where I was and he can’t take much more of it.
He is my rock. He is the one I call at two in the morning because I am so depressed that it is making me sick.
Listen to me whining.
I feel so stupid.
I had always thought that a girl had to be a moron to go to a certain college for a boy. I’m at the one I’m at now for him. I would have never dreamed that I would ever even think of hurting myself over a guy. Here I am.
I know I will survive it if he left me, but I never want anyone else. He showed so many wonderful qualities. It seemed to me that I could have a full on psychotic break, go to the hospital and everything and he would still be there. I am starting to doubt that. At least right now. I see people on this website who love their sz spouse/fiancee/ boyfriend or girlfriends and are here looking for ways to help them, so I know someone like that is out there. But I don’t want them. I feel like although we are about 1% of the population that people who can love us are .2%. If he leaves me I have no desire to roll the dice again. I know I’ll feel tempted but I’ll find a way to stop attention. Maybe a burqua? I know that sounds offensive, to use someone else’s religious symbol for myself, but not being looked at is the best way I know to not get attention.
I think, as humans, we all want love. I also think that the best way to find happiness is to squash that part of ourselves.

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#2

Maybe - but we don’t all need the same type of love, at the same time, in the same way.

Relationships are never always easy for anyone - they take work a lot of times, and we learn from each one. You’re probably pretty young if you’re still in college. Every relationship is a journey - try to take some lessons from it without oversimplifying it. Maybe you aren’t right for each other - thats OK - there are almost 6 billion other people out there. You’re bound to find many interesting, good people that are a better fit for you - so it will be ok.

Its rare that college relationships last a lifetime. With that understanding, treat this as a learning opportunity - and cherish the positive moments, while moving forward to look for new and better relationships.

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#3

I’ve never had good relationships. Friends come and go. I have never really had much respect for any of my boyfriends (save one and C) up till now.
If things do blow up, probably better to commit to these unstable friendships.
I have always enjoyed being alone.

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#4

ur obviously quite young my lovely. believe me, there is more than one person in the world for all of us, ill or not. when i met my late husband i never thought there would b anyone else for me but when we split my outlook on that had changed. there will always b someone ready and willing to love you for you. and if c does leave u u will get over it and one day b ready to love again. it’s not all or nothing or all black and white. u will get over it and b stronger for it. count urself lucky u have loved at all and go on with ur life open to the possibility of finding a love that will last full of support and understanding. i like being on my own too but i wouldn’t say no to the idea of a boyfriend. don’t shut urself out of love just bcoz u don’;t think ull find anyone that will support u as much. there will always b someone around the next bend in this life…oh…and the burka idea?..not good lol. good luck xxx

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#5

The only unconditional love that exists is between a mom/dad and their baby.
The older, more independant we get, the less we “need” to be taken care of, not that we don’t desire being taken care of, it’s just that the cuteness wears off real quick.

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#6

I’d try finding a good woman friend if I were you.

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#7

He has stayed with you for 4-5 years for a reason. He may be feeling overwhelmed right now and expressing that. Even caregivers can sometimes have breaking points when things become hard to manage. I think perhaps what you are going through may be causing you to see things on the bleak side right now. Focus and remember the good times and try to get back to them. It takes two to tango in love and war, so remind him and yourself why it’s worth it.

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#8

Thank you. We just talked and he didn’t seem to be upset or anything, but we only talked for a short time because he was about to fall asleep.
I read a saying once that I really hate because it makes me feel inferior about my relationship with C. It was “I have never considered divorce. Murder, yes, divorce no.”
I think my delusions of no one loving me are playing into my agitation from my meds which is playing into how hard I have been working to take a more assertive role. I flipped out because he didn’t say exactly what I wanted him to say when I said it. I think my brain was just waiting for an excuse to get suicidal.
Thank you Barbie. That really helps me a lot.
Ps: The other half of why I would probably never go for anyone else is he has treated me so well that I don’t think that anyone else could reach that bar. Especially in the area I live in.

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