I don't want to die, but I'm not sure I want to live either

DX'd - Sz/SzA
1

Life feels so purposeless. I do all these things to give it purpose, but it still feels empty somehow.
I get out of bed, I do some stuff, eat some stuff, and by the end of the day, I go to bed again.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

I don’t know if I’m losing my mind, or if I’m just having a bad day, or if I’m slipping back into depression, but it all feels… Meaningless. Sure, I have good times, and stuff, but still.

Like the title says, I don’t want to die. I repeat, I do NOT want to die.
But I don’t think I want to live either.
I wish I could place myself in a temporary coma and wake up when there’s a cure for whatever’s bothering me.

Is it time for me to seek help again? I mean, should I wait it out and see if it changes over the next few days, or should I call someone tomorrow?
I’m not suicidal, and this time, I don’t think it’s the voices telling me to do stuff, but it still worries me that my mindset has shifted to this.
I feel like a zombie.

What do I do?

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I’m on abilify and it has antipsychotic properties, at least at 10mg. I see a lot of people complaining about lack of drive and motivation and while I’m in the same boat I don’t get depressed about it.

Maybe ask your doctor about an antidepressant? See what he says.

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@Berru, I understand you, but you should understand that it is not necessarily related to the illness,
because a lot of healthy people find life pointless and have no motivation to wake up in the morning.
I don’t see meaning in my life, and it is not related to my illness in particular.
However, if I were healthy, I would have a full life, with a job, friends activities and so on,
and even so I would not necessarily find meaning. I am a rational person and don’t believe in religion.
I guess we have to just get through life somehow and that’s it.
With love,
Erez.

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I think the fact that you know you don’t want to die might indicate that you need to wait something out. “Good things happen to those who wait.” Fill your time as you do until your ship comes in. That’s the best I can offer. Best of luck to you, Berru.

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Thank you for the replies, guys.
Yeah, I should probably wait it out. Sleep on it and see if it improves

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I feel the same way @Berru I’m so scared someone is going to kill me for all my intrusive thoughts. They’re so racist! Just want to live though. Pray I will survive. You wouldn’t believe what they did to me!

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Unfortunately you have schizophrenia (I assume) so it is going to affect your life in some way, shape, or form. It doesn’t mean you can’t get something out of life and it doesn’t
mean you can’t have a productive meaningful life. But I think every person with schizophrenia will have to make many compromises in life. Your life will be a balancing act of what you can and cannot do.

But as you see on these forums, many people have something good going on for them in their lives, at one time or another. Schizophrenia is like the oceans tides, it ebbs and flows. Some times in your life the disease will effect you strongly, other times it will not be so bad.

We can’t deny that we have special challenges that the majority of people don’t have. Us schizophrenics were dealt a bad hand in life but we still have choices and options. I told my roommate last week, “Almost every day I wake up in the morning and I think my life is over. But I get up, and eat breakfast, and go do my day and most of the time a bunch of good stuff happens to me”. (my roommate just laughed by the way, he knows I’m prone to making stupid dramatic announcements on life every couple of weeks). (Same with my nephew, lol).

But yeah, we have schizophrenia and that’s a fact. But we can have friends, jobs, education, maybe money, we can exercise, diet, go to concerts, help other people, laugh, cry. I don’t know if any schizophrenic can have all these things but we can surely have some of these or a combination of some of these.

I’m 56 years old. I’ve had schizophrenia for 36 years. My motto for life is: “Life will be hard, but just don’t do anything stupid and I will be alright and happy”. That means no drugs or alcohol, no violence, (I’ve never been a violent person anyways). No hanging out with the wrong people. No hanging out in bad places. No doing anything illegal. No going off of my meds. Not skipping too many therapist appointments. No blowing big sums of money. This is how I live. And it works for a large percentage of the time. I must be doing something right because I’m happy sometimes. End of story. Good luck.

I don’t need to go looking for trouble because living with schizophrenia will give me all the trouble I can handle. So I hope this helped or made sense to you. It’s just some of my thoughts after having paranoid schizophrenia for 35 years.

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Good luck Berru. I can relate with what you’re feeling. I think many of us can. 77nick77 has a lot of insight and experience. I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes I feel hopeless as well, it leads me to smoke a whole lot of cigarettes. I don’t feel that way now but some days I do. It sounds like you’re experiencing the early stages of depression Berru. Everhopeful brings up a good point.

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I’d say to break the vicious cycle of what you’re going through, maybe seek something that interests you. However, I have a similar issue where I have difficulty seeking something that will keep me from the repetitious boredom of daily life; funny enough, I find horror stories to intrigue me most but makes my psychosis worsened, yet it really dies my boredom down.
Having an active mind makes us drive ourselves nuts because we’re not exactly easy to amuse…I assume. We get bored too easily.

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Same here buddy…

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I felt lost my entire life, always trailing behind on someones coattails, afraid to venture out for anything on my own.
But oddly enough it happened when I must have been looking the otther direction, I find myself scanning my memories of all those things I’ve done (well, not voluntarily anyway) and you know what? Life does eventually come together like a good quilt, one stitch at a time.
Justkeep on doing things, because one day you’ll be needing to relive the good stuff over and over, so make something good happen today,

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There are lyrics to a blues song that I heard once, "Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die."
I no longer see the point of being here, but I do it anyway. I have read a lot about the near death experience, and it gives me hope that there is a point to life, and that is love and knowledge. Maybe there is a heaven, and what we do here means something.

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