I don't know how to live life now

I’m in this situation right now where I feel like I can’t figure out what it is exactly about life that will ever compel me to really live it. I feel like the issue is that I lack a sense of purpose, which I’m used to having. For many years, my delusions of grandeur gave me a sense of purpose, and I thought I was getting all sorts of important things done without ever having to even go anywhere. More recently, I’ve felt a sense of purpose in trying to figure myself out, putting in many hours every day for months just thinking about myself.

Now I don’t have either - I don’t believe unusual things and I feel like I couldn’t possibly figure out anything else about myself from just trying to think my way through things anymore - and all I can seem to think is “Well, eventually you’ll have to get a job and live independently and just get used to watching netflix for fun in your free time”. For some reason, this is the only future that makes sense to choose, but the mere thought of it just deflates and demotivates me. It’s like, I can finally properly understand the idea that there are certain things in life that you just have to do, but I feel like I don’t have it in me to just do those things.

I believe I can’t be this way forever because I seem to really believe I can’t expect to just live on disability for the rest of my life, but it’s like all I can hope for is for some medication combination to just transform me and turn me into a worker bot. A part of me doesn’t want to become a worker bot, but a part of me thinks it would be better if I would just stop giving a damn and just live that way. The fact that I think this way makes me think I’ve suffered some kind of inner defeat which makes me think I can no longer expect to get a lot out of life, which is depressing. Yet, don’t so many people basically just do this kind of thing anyway? I know my parents are like that - they just work during the day and watch tv in the evening, and keep it up every week, and never mind it at all. They’re functional and society would consider them to be just fine. So why can’t I be this way?

Anyway, can anybody relate to what I’m going through? Does anyone have some words of advice for me?

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This exact thing has been driving me bananas recently.

I think the inability to feel fulfilled or feel like your life has meaning is in itself a negative symptom of schizophrenia.

And if that’s true, nothing is going to fill that void for very long.

Don’t give up, I was about to get in medical school and sz prevented me from realizing my dreams.
Now all I do is stay in bed, eat and play video games 2x a week.

I definitely relate. It makes me depressed thinking that’s all life is- work/sleep/cleaning. What have you. But maybe try to reconnect with friends or find friends somehow, get in a relationship? Might be easier after finding a job. I know I’d be lost without either of those things. I also need to get a job.

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A job is incredibly empowering. I would encourage you to either go to school to study in a field or like or find a job, even just volunteer work. Slow, baby steps to grow back your confidence. Eventually, you might be able to do great things. A passion in something you like, a cause you can dedicate yourself to. I am dedicating my life to law and am applying to law school now.

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