After years of discrimination and hatred towards me, including my own family, I just can’t trust anyone anymore. The trauma further advances my trust issues to some kind of hatred.
But I forgive them. I forgive those who hurt me- and expect that it’s me who is to take the blame, but the hurt is still there.
I can’t deal with the pain. It’s becoming too much and I’ve resorted to cutting off contact with most people I know (except for a few) so that I won’t be hurt ever again. Also, I’m a massive problem to others and cause burden, which makes my existence a problem.
I think people want me to suffer because I have psychosis, and people want to see me suffer as a stigmatized person. No matter how hard I try to get rid of the stigma, it is still here…and it haunts me and drags me down every single day.
I convince myself that it’s not me, and it’s only a few sz who do this, but I also equal myself to these murderers. No matter how hard I will try, I will always be equated to a murderer. I won’t be able to achieve anything, just like what they say on the news. I’m tired of it all and I just want to isolate, I don’t want to be hurt again.
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I would focus on other people and not yourself.
How are you helping them? Do you make them feel better? Do you add or take energy when you’re in a room?
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I don’t totally understand the climate in Korea, but I can’t believe that it would be that different than it is in the US. Maybe I’m wrong.
And I don’t believe people see schizophrenics as necessarily criminal and certainly not necessarily murderous. I just can’t believe that.
I hope you feel better. You don’t sound very well right now. I hope you know that I think a lot of people on this site worry about you and want you to feel better. You are not alone.
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I don’t add nor take energy from the room. I try to make jokes and goof around though. No one knows that I’m suffering.
I always help other people. I try to love others.
But I don’t think I’m doing much to change the world.
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I hope you feel safe enough one day to trust someone to talk about your issues. No one should suffer in silence.
Yeah I’m unfortunately triggered by the recent issue with the stabbing.
But my cptsd is wild right now, and my family just ignores it. When my first psychosis break happened, my family made me sit on a sofa and made me pray for forgiveness and for repenteance. That broke me. I don’t trust my family either.
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I think everyone is at peace when they ignore my pain. Last time my brother was having a mental breakdown, my family said “oh why don’t they give me a break”. after hearing that, I just didn’t want to share my suffering with them.
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I’m really really sorry to hear that.
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Maybe not with your immediate family but with a therapist or counselor or a mentor.
I get that, but that costs money. Which also puts extra money on my family.
This is why I make art. Art is like free therapy and allows me to express myself.
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Eventually you’ll have a job and be able to pay for all the therapy you want!
Exactly! I need to start freelancing soon. The project hasn’t kicked off.
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There are some amazing inspiring people on tik tok, with regards to mental illness. Helps me feel like I’m connecting when I feel alone. Maybe you should try that
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I try to advocate sometimes as well but recently I have been having advocacy fatigue because i feel like nothing will change. I’ll look into their videos.
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I don’t believe that’s necessary. The important part is to not carry around hatred and resentment with you as part of your daily life then play with it like Gollum played with Precious. Some things can’t and shouldn’t be forgiven, but they also don’t need to be relived.
My cptsd replays the trauma 24/7. It feels like a tape that’s constantly playing.
Then I blame myself more and even hurt myself.
Don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself!
I won’t. I know better than hurting myself.
Thank you for the reminder though.
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@whirling-leaves you seem like a competent, loving, engaging, interesting person. You do not need to beat yourself up so much. I would never treat my worst enemy the way you treat yourself! Have you looked into any kind of self-love help @anon82948922 may be able to offer more advice than I can, but self-love seems to be something that you need to focus on and grow
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I know that one of the exercises you can do is to say ‘I love you’ in the mirror.
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