I don't know where I stand

I’m afraid to go anywhere. I know that in Western countries I may be subjected to racial violence (as it is happening to Asian people in US and Canada), but in my country I know that I’ll never be accepted because of my physical disability and severe mental illness.

I don’t belong anywhere.

My brother said today that people with sz are dangerous and people with sz can kill other people. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout that I have psychosis, but my mom told me to not talk about it to my brother.

I’m not sure who I am, what I want, or where I am supposed to be. I know that I’m not accepted anywhere. Once people find out that I’m mentally ill, they’ll all leave me behind.

I just know that people won’t like me anymore on the basis that I can be dangerous and that I can’t contribute to the society. And in Western countries, I’m not trusted because of xenophobia and just because I have a different skin colour.

I despise myself and I wish I was never born. My life is basically rubbish.
And it doesn’t matter what I think. What others think matters because I will be defined in the society as such.


First, your brother is obviously wrong. Some people do harm while in full-blown psychosis, but for the most part we are not violent. Flush that one down where it belongs

Secondly I would never shun you for your mental illness or your physical disabilities, and neither would anyone on this board. There are also good people in the world.

You are a kind and decent and talented human being. Don’t allow the world and its ignorance to define you. It’s their loss, not yours


You assume a lot of negative things. You don’t even give yourself a chance. You have your mind made up that everybody is going to reject you (which is obviously wrong) before they even have a chance to get to know you and now you don’t even want to try to meet someone or attempt something new.

I mean you really impress me because you have a couple strikes against you but you still try to help people on here and you wanted to help people IRL. You’re also polite and respectful with your interactions with people on here. And that’s good character.
The only person you don’t give a break to and the only person you’re hard on is yourself. And that is such a shame.

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Thank you, but I’m not sure how I can break my negativity and give myself a chance.

I can allow people to get to know me, but I’m 100% sure that they’re going to reject me outright when I tell them that I suffer from psychosis.

I want to do good in this world and make people happy, but I don’t have to be happy. I don’t deserve it, and people probably won’t care. Even there are microaggressions happening within my family, who are supposed to protect me and love me. I’m hiding a secret from my brother as if my illness is shameful, and my parents instruct me to stay silent. Stigma is real and there’s no way that I can combat it.

I think people should be treated respectfully and politely, and everyone deserves love and compassion. But not me. People don’t care about people like me. My wish is that everyone with sz is respected and loved, but that’s not happening anywhere at this point. No matter how much I tell people that we are not dangerous, people still post weird ■■■■ on the Internet whenever there is a murder by sz person.

Plus, I’m Asian; people think that we’re coronavirus at this point so there’s a high chance that I will be targeted outside of Korea.

I don’t give myself a chance because I know I won’t be offered a chance. People already have their minds made up in stigma, and I can’t change them. So instead, I just hate myself in return.

I mean, it would be great if I could love myself and trust others, but I don’t know how I can do that. It seems like putting a wall between other people and myself would be the safest choice. I don’t want to be hurt ever again. Meeting new people increases the chance of getting hurt, and I’m tired of getting hurt by others.


Yeah, I understand a lot of that and I can relate to a lot of what you said. At least you are aware of what your problems are so you can work on them. Are there any clubs or groups in your area where you could meet other mentally ill people? It’s comforting to be in a gathering where the people know what you are going through because they’ve faced a lot of the same problems. Sometimes hospitals or clinics will have support groups or day programs so you can get out of the house more and be around people. People are social animals and need interaction with other people.

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There are support groups, but it’s inaccessible (no elevators) and my mom won’t send me to one.

I don’t think I have much choice but to hate myself and deny myself of social interactions.

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@laetitia you know better than anyone what you need to do right now. If you’re already this hurting, maybe right now is not the time to take a chance. But you do have us on the board, and I hope that is worth something to you.

We had a great conversation the other night, probably one of the best times I’ve had on this board

Please, please, please don’t hate yourself. Maybe you hate your life right now, but don’t think for a minute just because you have problems that you’re not still a worthwhile person.

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I guess I’m trying to make peace with my stigmatized self. People hate me so I hate me too… If people are going to hate me because of my disabilities, I don’t have much choice but to hate myself.

I’m glad I could be some sort of help. :heart:

I’m also glad I have this forum and my friends. But now I’m completely isolated. I just don’t want to make friends IRL because I know that I will get hurt. I don’t want to get hurt ever again or get rejected.

I’m sick of people rejecting me because of my mental illness. I’m not taking chances anymore.

Maybe I was meant to suffer and be alone for the rest of my life.

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You were not meant to suffer Dear. I wish I could lift it from you. What I see in you is an incredible human being with a huge heart, and very artistic and beautiful inside.

This person does not deserve to be hated. I would rather hear you say that you hate your life, or your circumstances then to hate yourself. You just don’t deserve that, not from yourself and not from anyone

Thank you.

I’ll try- it’s just hard at the moment.

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I know how hard it can be, I’ve been in just the same place that you are. After I broke my neck, I had a huge nervous breakdown and after that I despised myself for everything that I couldn’t be. But I survived it, and so will you.

Just keep coming back. You’re going to do fine. I know that. Just give it a chance okay?

Shouldn’t your brother know that you suffer from psychosis?

I can’t. My mom + dad are not letting me.
My parents are afraid that I’m going to shock him.

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Yeah, I had a huge breakdown when I first had symptoms of my physical disability.
How are you coping with it now? I have a friend with spinal cord injury and she had a very rough recovery period.

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This is a good idea. About 8 years ago I encountered a Malaysian Chinese on this site who introduced me to a Chinese Sz forum. And then I joined that particular forum and met with a lot of wonderful Chinese Sz friends. Now we have a close, small group of Chinese Sz friends active on QQ. This samll group on QQ is like an oasis for me. Hope you can meet some Korean Sz frinds on this international Sz forum and get some useful information about Korean Sz people and their circle.

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It’s been difficult to say the least. When I came out of the coma I was paralyzed from the neck down. It took a lot of work for a lot of years to get my body working again. Im still in pain every day, but it could have been a lot worse

Of course, the older I get the more it degenerates. But my doctor has finally listened and prescribed useful pain meds


@green5 wow, that sounds amazing!!

There you go @laetitia there’s a great place to start. Just please, don’t forget about us here :blush:

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Urgh, that is the worst (the pain, I mean). My doctor thinks I have a neurodegenerative disease of the spinal cord. Spinal cord injury is caused by the injury of the spinal cord, but HSP is caused by neurodegeneration of the nerves. And yes, I suffer from a huge amount of pain. I was on very high doses of opioids. And my doctor later switched my pain med to gabapentin, and now to ibuprofin. But despite that I still get a lot of pain. I have several friends with CP, SCI, MD- all of us suffer from really high pain levels with varying degrees of degeneration and weakness. We’re just trying to manage the condition(s) we have with the best of our abilities.

Do you use a wheelchair? I’m using crutches full time but walking gets tiring. But I don’t want to give up yet because I want to walk as long as I can.

I think having a neurodegenerative disease is really shocking but I can’t even imagine the pain you must have went through when you were injured. No one should go through that much pain.

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yes, as Chinese Sz people we have two forums and 10-20 QQ groups. There are lots of activities like Online Sz Reading clubs, online Sz singing clubs and online Sz losing weight clubs. I just keep one Sz QQ group and almost everyone in that group is my best friend.

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I’m in a Korean support forum for mental illness but I don’t use it often. Also there are mentions of forced hospitalization there and it often scares me.

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