My cousin is in the other room asleep its 00:19 and I called the NHS24 what seems like an eternity ago, they are gonna call back. Things are bad right now, thought there was someone in the house, been creeping around for the last hour. I don’t know how long they are gonna take to call back…Like i can hear them. doors opening talking about me. I think they want us dead, the dog too. I know I have posted infrequently these past two weeks or so, but I am trying to get help, went to the doc’s they said they couldnt just throw me back on meds incase it worsened my condition.so Im waiting for the mental health people to contact me.If the nhs24 calls soon I don’t know what they’ll say the guy said it will be the same as friday night, that i can go in and get something to calm me down and sleep. i dont want to sleep incase they get me, i dont want to “calm down” as it will more than likely dull my senses. I need to be prepared for the worst. They seem to have gone rather quiet as im writing this. don’t know why…But I’ve been thinking, And don’t ■■■■■■■■ me please. Will i ever be 100% again, im 22 my first thing was about a year or 2 ago. and Life has never been the same, even on meds. All the meds seem to be are the lesser of two evils. they partially silence the voices and stuff, but i loose my reactions and sense of time. I vaguely remember when i was out of hospital again and with my parents i would lie in bed for hours even days with the sheets over me, oblivious to the world and my surroundings. my 12 year old brother now goes to therapy because of me. my aunt hates me because in my absent minded excitement to unburden my parents and move out i forgot to tell her and have not contacted her until recently. What do i have in life. NOTHING. what can i get out of life. NOTHING. even in years time if i do some how become better through some miracle, I feel i will still be traumatised from my previous episodes. as I am right now. I’m on my couch right now, with my knife and…I just I don’t know. Im sorry this was a long post, I don’t expect you to read it or even care i just need to get my thoughts down It might help me think clearer or something. If they do tell me to go to hospital and get meds, how will i be able to leave the house? … I don’t think they would send an ambulence or anything i wouldnt want nor expect them to.they’re back…
Put down the knife please let go just let go.
But why, why the ■■■■ do i have to deal with all this ■■■■■■■■. Im so sick of it, the docs called me and then told me to call some number which i did for a CPN and her best advice was to make a cup of tea go to sleep and then call the doctors in the morning! LIKE WHAT!? I told her about my cousin and she brushed it off. I…I don’t know what i expected. And she was asking all these questions, and then asked what if i had been diagnosed I told her i think so, explained about my old sicklines and she goes oh thats a new one on me. Im like I dont Freaking know! Im just telling you what i freaking THINK was on the damn things. She asked about hospital and im like yeah i was there for 10weeks on my first admition, and she goes oh that was a long time, you must have hated it, and i tried to explain that it wasnt so bad, and she then says oh so you liked being an inpatient. NO I DONT LIKE BEING IN A ■■■■■■■ PSYCH WARD, but i realise in retrospect it was where i needed to be! Im ■■■■■■■ sick of it. Im sick of this illness im sick of cpn’s im sick of the abismal excuse of a mental health care system they claim they have. ■■■■ i feel like a ■■■■■■■ idiot the way she was talking to me! I called her for help and now im no better off and in a bloody rage! WTF???
sorry thats not me 
I’m just in a bad mind set right now I know the nurses try their best. And i apologise to any nurses and stuff out there. Im just not my self atm.
A few weeks ago as I was trying to go to sleep I heard the downstairs door opening, hushed voices, whispering, movement on the stairs, movement in the hall, doors creaking as if they were peeking into bedrooms, the rustling of cloth. I thought “oh no, someone’s breaking into our house.” I listened for a while and then thought “wait, we don’t have anything worth stealing. These people must be here to KILL US.”
And then I felt panicky, and I thought about getting out of bed to investigate, and I thought about calling the police or waking someone to ask them to check the downstairs with me –
I opened the bedroom door. The hall light was on and I could see the entire hallway. I could still hear them, floor creaking, clothes rustling, talking and giggling to one another. And I realized that it was all part of the usual voices I hear, that my mind had interpreted a series of very common “background noise” auditory hallucinations as a break-in scenario.
Just to be sure, I got up and checked the downstairs. Nobody there. I made myself some tea because I was PUMPED with adrenaline and my hands were shaking. I thought about sitting up for a while but it felt lonesome and scary downstairs so I took my tea up to bed and tried to get to sleep.
Sometimes the “voices” play tricks on me. This was one such time. Maybe the same thing is happening to you? Try to trust in your own safety, do whatever it takes to make yourself feel more secure right now, and try to get some rest. I don’t know about you but my psychotic symptoms tend to diminish a bit after a decent nap or a good night’s sleep.
Please be kind to yourself.
I think you should go to a mental hospital like you were trying to do. that sucks that they were blowing you off. I was suicidal, and my dad drove me to the mental hospital the next day, because I didn’t have a driver’s license yet, something else that was making me suicidal, and they pretty much let me in without asking too many questions. It was just like, oh, you have schizophrenia? Can’t take any chances. I was really set on killing myself because I couldn’t handle the shame and pain of schizophrenia. It’s hardest at first, during the transition, but over time you get more used to it, although I don’t think you ever get completely used to your dreams being crushed and feeling like a burden to everyone around you that cares about you. Christianity I think has helped me too, and made me feel like a human being, not just a burden, but I’m not really supposed to talk in depth about it here. I never had the mental strength to cut myself. I really wanted to, but I can’t handle pain. I had a suicide plan that was relatively painless, because I can’t handle pain. cutting yourself will just cripple you. Maybe you can call a suicide hotline? I never have, but I read on reddit about a situation where they sent an ambulance or some kind of automobile to pick up the girl that had taken pills to kill herself. It’s reasonable to be upset that they aren’t taking you seriously, when you may lose the perseverance to live at any moment.
I was alone one night, husband had left that morning for a 3 week international trip, and no one should have been in the house except me.
I had not turned on any lights, nor used any electricity except my handheld video recorder with night vision(naturally)nor made any noise at all, so about 10 PM I jumped into bed, and within 4 minutes there was a very loud crash and what sounded like glass breaking in the next bedroom, then footsteps running down the hall and through the house.
I froze for a few minutes, waiting to see if they would bust into my bedroom and get me, but, after a few more minutes, I got tired of waiting and the excitement turned to anger, so I figured I’d better call 911 to get someone to write a report for the insurance people to pay to fix the window.
To make a longer story longer, the police came within minutes, surrounded the house, and after getting me to come out, they searched the house.
Not finding anyone inside, but taking an unusually long time in the backyard, they decided to do a “walk through” the house with me to see if I noticed anything out of place.
Yup. The bedroom next to the one I was in was trashed, but since the window hadn’t been broken like I originally reported, they weren’t convinced anyone had broken in.
They started inquiring to whether I had “taken my meds” and “if they were (?) Fresh”.
Insulted, I said the room was cleaned that morning, and all this stuff now strewn across the floor, was sitting neatly on locker in front of the window: a TV, 50Lb roll of paper, a suitcase, Helmet, and of course, the noisemaker-a baking sheet full of screws/nails/nuts and bolts.
Then it dawned on me, I had also screwed the window shut that morning,so someone hadn’t broke into my house, they were trying to get out!
Moral of the story, not everyone who shouldn’t be inside your house is necessarily there to do you harm.
It isn’t worth getting yourself all worked up over focusing on things that you can’t control, because all that happens in the end is you do yourself more harm than those bothering you.
@sea00115699 I feel like i do need the hospital, but don’t really want to admit my self as i fear they will treat me the way the CPN did last night. ontop of that i feel like i could survive until the mental health board get in touch, as long as I can get the support i need…I would like some sort of anti anxiety like the diazepam i used to take, but without the groggy slowing affects? if there is even such a drug…
@BonBonSquad It’s always worse for me at night or when im alone…I fall asleep around 08:45 this morning… which is good and bad as i had the appointment with the doctors at 9am…
@Csummers I emm i really don’t know what to make of this if im honest…If someone was trying to get out of my house they must’ve wanted in at some point…thats a terrifying thought. And i try to refrain from calling the police as mentioned in a lot of my post’s i generally carry around a large knife when im feeling the way i am right now.
I understand not calling the police, that was only the 3rd time I had ever done that, the 1st after being robbed at gunpoint at work, the second was another attempt at getting in my house-but I called more to document the fact rather than get help- I did my own “security check” of the perimiter solo out of anger.
And I too carry a very sharp and large knife when solo, but it bothers me that I have to get so close to use it effectively…my pump BB gun was taken from me, but a BB and a rubber band works-faster and quieter too.
I was just trying to say that not everything unwanted or unknown that crosses your path wants to harm you.
You can do more damage to yourself by wasting time worrying about things (beings?) that arn’t there to hurt you.
Hope you can find something that helps you…
If you feel like you need to go to the hospital, then you probably do. I can’t guarantee that they won’t all treat you the way the CPN did, but it is unlikely. go ahead and get the medicine for anxiety. I know anxiety can be rough.