I don't know if I'm capable of being a Mother

Please don’t judge me or at least go easy on me, I feel terrible already and for now I don’t now where Else to turn.
My history is that I have been suffering from either depressions or psychosis for my son’s entire life. Almost 12 years.
I was healthy When I chosed to become a Mother and I couldn’t tell that it was going to be like this. My son is a wonderful little Boy, he is happy, Is doing good at school, has great friends and hobbies. He is a kind and loving son and I am in every ways proud of him. The whole problem is me. I’m too sick to be a Mother.

I have gotten all the available help. Therapy, meds, help from social services (consulting with a social careworker). I have gotten the help more than once. My family and exhousband are supporting me a great deal. But I just can’t seem to go on.
7 years ago I divorced My exhousband, and we decided for my son to stay and live with his dad, given that I was already sick. And so for 7 years I have been a part time Mother (seeing my son every third weekend and a little more around summertime and christmas)

In 2016 I was psychotic and so incredibly stupid that I moved across the contry. I didn’t realize that I was sick at that point, and my plan was to study and get a job so I would be able to provide for my son. I have always thought that when he becomes a teenager he would come and live with me again. But that isn’t at all realistic since my mental illness has worsened over the years.

The current situation is that for the last 6 months I have been on sleeping pills everytime my son is here. He is a person Who wakes up at 6 AM every morning and I just hate it. My sleep means a lot to me to keep the psychosis away.

I don’t know what I expect writing this topic, but I feel desperate and in pain.
I’m considering to quit contact with my son, but my therapist, pdoc, social services and my entire family keep pushing me, telling me that it will be too traumatic for my son and a great lose if I disappear from his life. I had hoped that he himself would lose the interest for me and we could have contact only on Skype and the Phone but my son loves me deeply, eventhough I don’t think I deserve it.
I know the best solution would be for me to move back to my hometown, and just spend some hours with my son, that would be easier than taking care of him a whole weekend or a vacation.but right now I’m in the middle of an application for disability and moving to another city would make that process stop. Also it requires a lot of money and mental energy to move.
Sorry for the very long topic.


I was fine during my pregnancy with my second child (my son). After he was born my brain just went haywire. I started having ocd and schizophrenia symptoms. I didn’t plan for it. It just happened. My son lives with his dad too. Life just surprises us sometimes. I certainly don’t judge you.

Maybe you need disability pay. Are you able to work?

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No I wasn’t able of working either, I tried 5 hours a week, then 2 and now nothing. In Denmark it is a long and difficul proces to be granted disability pay. And even more when you like me are still young.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing something similar to me. How often do you see your son? And how old are your kids now?
And thank you for reading my long topic.

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If your son is 12, he’s old enough to be told you’re sick. It’s ok to explain to him that because you’re sick, your sleep is very important. Let him know not to disturb your sleep unless it’s an emergency.


I talk to my son once a week on FaceTime. He’s 11. 12 in December 21.

You’re not a bad mother. Try not to be hard on yourself.

But he doesn’t disturb at all. He is so Nice and helps himself in the mornings. It is me because of my obsessive idea of not being able to sleep, I can’t sleep without the sleeping pill (zolpiclone). That is fine with my pdoc he has prescribed them so I can have one, when I’m with my son, but last night it only gave me 5 hours of sleep and then I woke up with anxiety.

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Maybe I can suggest to my exhousband that I could do the same Thing.

I think you should try some CBT counseling. Maybe you can learn to better cope with anxiety.

I myself have terrible anxiety so I understand your dilemma. But I do think if you stop mothering him, you’ll most likely regret it later in life.


I think so my self. That I might regret it. I was just thinking of my friend Who only saw her father twice a year because he was living in Greenland. And she is a very well functioning woman and to day when she is nearly 40 she has a great relationship with her dad. I Hope maybe I could return to my son’s life when he is older. If he wants to see me.

I think he’ll have abandonment issues, and might possibly be too angry to talk to you when he’s older


I agree :frowning: 1515

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How far along are you in the process of getting disability?

If you’re just starting,

I’d move to be closer to my son.

I had a son in 2013 and he was adopted by friends.

They work for the US government and have to move from country to country pretty often.

Despite that I still see him about every month via Skype,

And about every 6 months in person.

Your kid doesn’t have to live with you,

But you do need to be more present in his life or the weird questions will start or he may not want to see you anymore.

I gave my kid away and still make every effort to interact with him.

I feel like you’ve given up.

If you want it, you have to work for it.

I feel like you’re going to have to make some drastic changes to be with your son.

I’d hate for you to fade into the background and only TRY to connect with him as an adult.

You can do it, even if it’s video chats until you can move closer, you don’t have to be a part time mom.

You can be there, just have to get creative.


I believe you’re right. And thank you for your answer.
I believe it would be best for us, if I move back to my hometown where we can see each other more often. I think it Will be more important for my son if we have regular meetings.
In the meantime I should do like you suggest seeing him on Skype.
I’m not giving up on him, I’m just very depressed and unhappy.
Thank you for sharing your story with me.


I understand being depressed and unhappy with your current situation.

The good part is you can always change it.


Can I ask, do your son knows that you’re his Mother? And do it work for you to see each other every 6 month?
I Hope that if I move to my hometown I could be with him twice a week but without the sleepovers

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Yes, my son knows I’m his mother.

We agreed while I was pregnant that we would all be 100% honest with him about everything so it wouldn’t feel weird as he got older.

Also, he has two dads.

A gay couple,

So it’s kind of obvious that someone birthed him.

He doesn’t call me mom, he calls me by my first name.

But he always wishes me a Happy Mother’s Day.

I’m sure his dad’s remind him, but it’s nice.

That’d be great for you to see your son twice a week.

Since sleep is so valuable to you, sleepovers are probably not best,

Like you said.


Sorry you’re having a difficult time. I don’t know what I did, but my daughter never wants to see me. Well, I do know. I thought her 2 sons had different fathers. It could be a delusion. Don’t really know. I always tried to be very supportive, so she’d be independent. But she’s way too independent.

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Your daughter is an adult now? I have been told not to take my son’s love and admiration as a child for granted as adulthood will probably change his feelings towards me.
Is there nothing you can do to reunite with your daughter? Have you considered writing her a letter explaining what you feel?

But doesn’t your daughter know that you’re ill? I take it that you believing your grandsons to have different fathers wasn’t meant to hurt her. If you’re having a delusion you can’t just change it.

Sorry to hear @anon8091425

I really think you should move to your hometown when the disability case is settled. If it’s a rejection, you can start a new case in Aalborg. It’s easier to get disability in the provinces than in copenhagen.

If you move home closer to friends and family, you might be able to create a more stable life, for your sake and your sons.

Good luck.