OK, yesterday, for a second, it all got full in me. I mean my feelings. My mind turned healthy too… but it was just a second 
and I guess, that the feelings should be made by positive and negative function… which seems to me a tricky thing to achieve… I believe in the suffering still, it’s a human part of every of us. While I suffer pathologically still… for the positive feelings, it’s hard too…
In my case, the emotional deficiency, I feel it very physically… it’s what causes my conversion disorder. I am sick on my feelings, but on the thinking too…
Idk if I’ll recover on the feelings, being balanced…
I guess, that some of you recovered on them, but mine was destroyed and abused since too long…
Anyway. Am not sure I can recover on the feelings yeah… I just feel pain and probably emptiness, of which I am not fully aware…
Take care
Right now, after my harsh day, I just realize, that I was just weak for decades… not as my friends…
I am old and weak yeah… for real…
No one needed me as weak, they either criticized, were pissrd off by me or ran away…
But yeah, I am weak, I let myself go for too long and it’s a reason to kill myself maybe…
Cause some people tried to help me, but my sz was way too severe…
How did you swallowed your weakness, when you were realizing it? It’s hard to be me yah… am loose, lazy, old, fearful and no one believes in me anymore, I ignore if they even love me…
Yeah, hard realization…
Now my last ill friend, which is in an episode now and which I avoid, knows that I envied her for long… 
she wrote, that those who didn’t know the mania, envy… I complained to her before, that I even didn’t know the mania…
I was totally destroyed by my family, while she was always treated as a person… but now I feel as ■■■■ around my sins of mine… how would you feel if they throw in your own face, your past sins? I feel as shytt… cause add to this, that my mother repeats since years, that I’ll always be sick and alone… that I should learn to maintain my flat and live in it like that… yeah…
Yeah, I think this friend is angry to me, that I avoid her now… but I turn a total physical and paranoid infirm around her now…
My family was a total shytt I think, for real… you can’t even imagine how it was at home in my childhood… I was dumb even then and I had no one…
I think of my sins yeah and it’s not nice…
The envy in sz, how is it? Someone?
My other ill friend also shouts, that she never envied and that she can’t understand this…
No one… yeap, my envy… funny… my other friend said, that she would have never envied, even if she had my life…
Yeah, come on… she doesn’t know, she knows nothing… my father made of me a sick person, enslaved, oppressed… then the society rejected me… How does it feel when you are catatonic and your hands shake in the moment when you need to hold a loving hand? So you can’t take this hand… and it tears apart… while you dream of it…
They judge me hardly maybe these two ill friends of mine…
I am ashamed to write here about my envy. But I was just a silent passive witness of the life for 20 years… my dad wasn’t allowing us to dance at home, he was saying, that this is a slutt thing… he was saying also, that the artists and the sportives are stupid… he was cleaning the table of our kitchen with the face of my mom once… and even my ex pdoc got desperate about me and said, that I’ll be always in pain…
Idk what is wrong with these people tbh…
But I’ll have no comment, something positive about my envy no??
I don’t have strengths to pretend to be strong anymore… am smashed and sad … and I was deeper than weak yeah…
Are you on disability payments? Do you live with anyone?
How are you doing Anna? Have you taken your meds?
I take them since ten years, why? They never helped me to feel happy till now, no…
But OK, I ll fight probably again…
It’s just that I felt so weak today, in my life situation too that I asked myself if I should kill myself…
My friends despise my paranoia, they don’t understand my envy either… they know nothing about my violent dad…
My disability is 80 euros in my country. You need a minimum of 400 to live decently. Our disabilities are a joke here…
I live alone in my flat. My mother has a flat in the same building but I see her every day only for 2 hours… the rest, I am alone…
I am scared from the others too, while I need them still, but my illness is even physical so I need to isolate still… and this, since 20 years like that…
It sounds that you are really struggling. Did something happen recently that triggered all this?
Don’t let the past weigh you down. I mean having this illness is enough, there is no point in putting energy on negative stuff from the past.
I am struggling since the age of ten, nothing new…
I developed even a body disorder because of my mental state…
I think that the people around me, see me as dying now. And this hurts.
We’ve tried all kinds of meds for ten years and they didn’t help much… I would have been worse though without the zyprexa so I take it…
But I want to try to expose to the life now instead of waiting for more from the meds…
But it’s hard to have seen myself from aside today, how weak I was and how the others used that…
I’m so sorry to hear that.
What symptoms do you have? Are you experiencing both positive and negative symptoms?
Both yeah… plus bpd, depression, anxiety and a body disorder… but am sorry, that I occupy you with myself like that…
Maybe one day, I’ll see this kind of suffering as bullshytt mainly, insignificant a bit, no? 
Idk…
The damages of the isolation are here now, but let’s see. I have hope now at least. I stayed in life till now, now it’s probably a bit up to change. But my strengths decrease sometimes till a total despair and weakness still, cause I can’t count anymore on the meds in my case… even the docs don’t want to give me more, I’ve tried too many they said. They say that now it’s psychological, but at my worst, I don’t believe it. My friends have lives on meds, but well, again my envy probably…
I listened to this today, it’s great 
Anna do you feel better writing here
You don’t occupy me, it’s my choice to answer.
It doesn’t sound like you are struggling with positives but rather depression.
It also sounds like you are ready for change. It’s good. I myself have isolated myself for a very long time. I’m learning coping skills to be more positive and social. It comes from a mental attitude and the realization that my earlier friends were garbage that always put me down. I became negative! I have far more positive people around me now. I also try not to dwell on the past as I used to. ■■■■ them for being garbage people!
I’m also on zyprexa, 20mg which is the highest dosage. I take vraylar 1.5mg for negatives and paxil 20mg for panic attacks and anxiety/depression. This combo has me stable.
Am glad, that you are stable yeap 
I have paranoia during some parts of the day still though… the ads increase my paranoia and worsen my body disorder… I tried abilify, the same…
Anyway, thanks, I’ll try to heal a bit yeap 
I’ve tried the suicide at my twenties, but now I want to live. It’s just, that I live crazily still, mainly with this illness lol and I behave accordingly to that…
Anyway, I’ll have other worries today in the morning I guess… am aiming something else now, not as before when I was given up and that even the docs didn’t want to help much a given up person…
My last friends say all, that they love me, they are ill too though… I would have no one else without them, idk…it’s me who sees them badly still, I was bleached by my parents a bit tbh I think…
Whatever, let’s fight yeap
Sometimes yeap… but I don’t get a lot of answers, the people probably tend to get tired by me…
Hugs
Paranoia sucks when it has its life of it’s own. I am lucky that meds fixed that.
Can’t you start taking walks everyday? Start with 5-10 minutes and increase it every week/month?
I’ve become obese from the medication and sitting still. I’m going to ask the doc to decrease the zyprexa and up the vraylar. I’m also going on a healthier diet. Perhaps I’ll get more energy?
I’m glad that you feel like you want to fight. I gave up along time ago. There’s nothing left besides getting up and kicking the ■■■■. I mean fight!
I hope the best for you @Anna1! If there’s something bothering you don’t hesitate to write on this forum. 
Oh, since an year, I make a round every day around my building for some ten minutes, but I can’t increase that yet, yeah… I wasn’t doing this before… considering how I was before, crippled in my bed, almost peeing on myself, cause my mind was hooked on some alternative life, for the docs it’s already a progress how I am now. That’s why they keep the zyprexa. But I become still narcoleptic and paranoid almost for some 3 hours in the late afternoon, every day…
One question, you were also totally given up in your illness? I find hard this in my case, I feel like I need to pardon it to myself still, idk why… hah, or maybe cause it happens still per moments lol…
Oh yeah, I become very dulled on higher than 10 mgs of zyprexa, it’s impossible for me to live like that…
I put 30 kilos around all the meds, but I’ve lost ten of them the last year.
All the best too!!! It’s a hard illness yeap…
I suffer from hypersomnia and I need 12½h of sleep. It sucks. I never fall asleep in time either so I stay up very late and I sleep during the day. 
It’s always been like this, so it’s not the meds.
When you have this illness you feel lost, and it’s hard to find meds that work. I just wanted to sleep and never get up again. Luckily we found the right meds. Also it took a long time to get here, 8 years! I’m still struggling but I feel so much better.
Zyprexa has a “dulling” effect in the beginning. I used to take it before bed time so I sleep while on it. But this effect goes away. Man I felt lobotomized in the beginning. Haha!