I don't care anymore

I can’t wait to be dead.

Maybe i could smoke less, eat healthier, excercise more, but i don’t care anymore.

What do i have to care about when i’ve been butchered? My life is burned to a crisp, im nothing but a pile of ashes.

I can’t wait to be dead.

So, ill have maybe five cigs a week, but whats the payoff, to have voices telling me to kill myself?

Ill get done with my healthy meal and look up and do what? Take more poisons so i am not maimed completely by them? Carrots don’t do ■■■■ for poisonous things you take everyday.

perhaps ill go for a little jog and lose some weight, it won’t do anything for me though, it won’t make me happy. Im being ■■■■■■■ murdered, who gives a ■■■■ about losing weight?!

See, when you are being butchered you have nothing left, it just doesn’t matter anymore, there is no goal that you can achieve, there is no pleasure in anything, who gives a flying fuckety ■■■■ at that point.

And i can’t stand being forced to be around anyone at this point who carries no weight, oh boy are they some ■■■■ talkers, they know it all let me tell you! The ones who have it best are always the biggest ■■■■ talkers, i hate them, they have no scope.

This is me doing healthy things: As i eat my salad i hear someone go “kill yourself” or have memories of the torment, and when im done it makes no difference because i ingest poison, and if i don’t take the poison they come back and i get tortured.

I go workout but it doesn’t make any difference at all, ill just come home and ingest more poison and hear them telling me ■■■■■■ up ■■■■ and remember what happens if i don’t take the poisons.

Ill cut down smoking but who cares, i eat poisons, and if i don’t eat poisons i get tortured.

It’s a prison im in, and the trauma has built up and boiled over, the poverty is bad as well, every single thing that could go wrong has for thirteen years straight. So what the ■■■■ should i do? Eat a carrot, do a little lifting, cut down on my smoking?

Only one logical thing to do, and thats whatever the ■■■■ i want, and then end my life when i feel the time is right.

I can’t wait to die and be dead.

I don’t care anymore.

It would be like going to work and then on payday you get a check that reads “0.00”.

And everyone keeps saying “keep working, it’s good for you.”

I’ve got my fingers crossed on apophis, i really really do, ohhhhhhhh apophis please please please please.

I’m waiting for death too. Let’s try to make it to the end.

Think about all those heath nuts laying there, dying of nothing.

hehehe…think about it

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Wherever the end is i will make it there, im funneled in that direction only.

If i do it to myself i will have made it to the end.

You know during my mind invasive torture that is psychosis i ended up with a guy, he was doing these magic tricks, i couldn’t fool him, he was a true to life practitioner. He said something to me that i didn’t understand, he said it sarcastically and cruelly, he was talking about me and i didn’t know it, he said “im just waiting to die.”

I didn’t know he was referring to me at the time. It’s something that ended up happening but wasn’t at the time so i didn’t get it.

But you take enough away and beat the ■■■■ out of someone enough they’ll be waiting for death i suppose.

That would get my paranoid mind wondering if I was getting my mind read.

Yeah, people should know that i think, that our minds are substance and they can indeed be read in different ways.

He put it the wrong way though, thats the part that made me paranoid actually, instead of saying “im just waiting to die” and putting it in a negative way as if i had chosen it he should have said “im just being murdered” or perhaps “im losing everything i have and have no reason to continue.”

And no wonder he put it that way, the ones telling him every single card i had chosen were the ones telling him that i was “just waiting to die.” Which is very far from the truth, im not just waiting to die but instead had it all taken away.

I feel I’m waiting too. I just thought it was my depression. I do little things to keep my mind off of dying. Like focus my attention a book I’ll probably never finish writing. I have a cat who keeps me around because I agreed to take care of her and keep her healthy and happy so she is my responsibility and she has no idea how much I rely on her emotionally.

I have my parents I live with I refuse to do anything to myself because I couldn’t put them through the pain of loosing a child, especially their youngest child who fought so hard at birth to just stay alive…only to die prematurely in adult hood by selfishness. I have my biological brother, though we’re not close I wonder if he would miss me if I were gone. There’s my niece. There’s my best friend who over the years has become the sister I never had. I’m also equally close with her brother in fact we call each other sisters/brother. Her son is like a nephew of mine, he even calls me aunt. Then there’s all my 30 something cousins, and my 20 something aunts and uncles (big family).

Yet I have all these people in my life and I feel like I let them down by admitting I wouldn’t be upset or afraid if I was dying or dead. I’d be happy when it was over. Hopefully I have peace waiting for me on the other side. I’d be be okay if this were it too, that there was no other side. As long as I don’t end up in a hell somewhere being tortured, or stuck in a place like this or purgatory, that’s when I’d be disappointed. I’ve struggled all my life to do good, be a good person then to end up in something like that for all eternity would just be a slap in the face.

This doesn’t mean I’m leaning towards suicidal tenancies. It just means I’d be okay with death however it came to me.

Sounds like you got a lot of good reasons to stick around. I also don’t think my parents could handle their son committing suicide, it would ruin their lives too. And it would be so bad to go to a hell that’s even worse than this one. Sometimes I like to think there would be nothing after death, but that’s just not what I feel. It’s cool you have a big family and some friends.