Thoughts on Mortality

It’s interesting how my thoughts on mortality have changed over the years.

When I was a young kid it seemed I’d live forever. The thought of dying was an alien concept for me. Even the deaths of my grandparents didn’t do much to change that idea.

As I grew into a teenager and developed my mental illness things changed. I longed to die. Once, during a Bible study session with my family and the family of one of my mother’s friends, I was asked, “Don’t you want to live forever?”. I squirmed in my seat for a bit as everyone stared at me waiting for an answer. I let out a low, “No, not really.”

Though I had made a few unsuccessful attempts to end my life over the years, the majority of the time I just plain wanted to die. It wasn’t like I’d jump in front of a car but if I happened to get killed by one on accident I wouldn’t have minded.

I engaged in a lot of risky, dangerous, behavior. Looking back I find it amazing that I didn’t get hurt in any serious way. The desire to die also affected my motivation. When you just want to be gone you don’t have much desire to improve things or accomplish much of anything. I drifted aimlessly year after year.

A while back, after an incident at my local clinic that sent me to the hospital for an extended period of time, I started taking my medication on a regular basis. I had always been terribly non-compliant during my life but something flipped a switch in my brain and I started managing my illness. It was during this time that my desire to die started to subside. For the first time in a long time, it looked like life might be worth living.

My mother’s death really brought thought of mortality back to my mind. I am grateful for the medication because I could not have gotten through those days without the stability and clear head that the meds gave me. It was a difficult time, one I relive every New Years Day, the anniversary of her death.

My girlfriend has brought joy to my life. The past two years have been a pleasure. She has filled my days with love and a real satisfaction I’ve never known before. Thoughts of death have become virtually non-existent.

I still struggle with motivation but I’m working on being productive and making amends for the terrible things I’ve done in the past. Life is good.

The reason I’ve brought this up is that for the past two days I’ve been coughing up blood. Not sure what’s causing it but 30 years of smoking makes me wonder. I’ll call the doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment. Naturally, this makes me concerned though it could turn out to be nothing. In any case, it’s given me the opportunity to think back on my life and look at how my thoughts on death have changed over the years.

What are your thoughts on your own mortality?


I have similar story too, now this world is more important to me than life after death.

hope all is well with you.

To be honest I’ve attempted suicide twice and am lucky to be alive regardless of that fact. My mother has said that she believes that there is “someone watching out for me” but I’m more of the mind that if there’s someone watching out for me then why wasn’t there someone watching out for all the others who died horrible deaths and whatnot?

I’ll never really know how close to death I’ve really been, I swallowed my medicine cabinet once and washed it down with ten beers and just sat there waiting for it all to take effect…but there was a point there where the anxiety kicked in, the second thoughts about the finality of it all. And that’s probably not even the closest I’ve come.

As close as I’ve come to death, the uncertainty of it bothers me a little. I’m not religious and I don’t put absolute faith in the existence of an afterlife but for the life of me I can’t comprehend ceasing to exist. Perhaps that’s the nature of our consciousness, or perhaps some part of us lives on. I have had a few experiences that tell me the latter could be true in some form but who the hell knows? None of us living beings that’s for sure no matter what some will tell you.

I suppose I’m okay with death though, I mean I’ve often thought that if I were to die in some accident today I’d be okay with my life having lived it as I have. Not thrilled mind you but okay. That said I’d like to live a little more but I’ve experienced enough to be okay with the thought of death

My study of classical music was all a death wish. Getting away from it gave me a clearer picture of what life can be.

My family is really small. I have only two older sisters and couple of relatives that I am not really close with. Every once in a while, I think about death or suicide, because I don’t know how I am going to handle living by myself if both of my older sisters died before me. Being alone scares me. I suppose I could get married to a nice woman, but then its so hard to meet somebody who will stay interested in you, especially when you are not gainfully employed.

malvok, I hope everything turns out okay for you after you see your doctor.

I’m 53 years old. I’ve thought about death but never spend much time dwelling on it. I know I do not want to die. And also most importantly: I don’t want to GET to the point where I WANT to die, such as suicide. I don’t ever want to commit suicide. I’ve been in some tight squeezes and potentially serious situations, but I wouldn’t say I’ve had any near-death experiences.
I want to do more stuff before I die. Or I should say that as long as I’m alive I might as well enjoy it and have friends and a life. I might as well. I’m in a rut now with isolating, but my family and my therapist are trying to help me out of it.

I hope this turns out to something manageable Malvok. I find the waiting to be the hardest part of a health scare, my mind wanders into areas that it just isn’t healthy to go.

I’ve always been more afraid of living than dying.

Quality of life matters to me over quantity.

omg malvok! i hope u turn out ok. please let us know what hapens at the dr’s. will b thinking of u. i’m not ordinarily religious but will definitely say a prayer for u…if u don’t mind, that is. xxxx

i hope that it is nothing, and you are okay.
as to the question i am looking forward to death, if there is nothing out there, cool, and if there is more than this, cool…
take care
p.s it could be a stomach ulcer.

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My thoughts on mortality? I think I’ve said this before…I’m not dying today. And I live by that every day no matter what. I wear skull and crossbones somewhere, on my socks or a shirt or something every day. I attempted suicide once a year and a half ago. I have money for a tattoo now but I am torn between a tattoo from a manga or just a skull and crossbones. I figure I can just wear skulls and crossbones. And my skin is so nice I dont really need a tattoo…maybe I will buy an Xbox One…or blow it on quaaludes…

Its a touchy subject…I have had a near death experience, it happened when I was 8 years old. With this illness, people are much more likely to die early or commit suicide by the age of 50 (sometimes the prognosis is shorter, like mine, mine was around 40) and I take that very seriously. I very seriously skull blank that sheet of paper with my prognosis when I was 19 typed on it. With a stern businesslike look on my face. Gotta skull blank the schizophrenia or it will skull blank you. LOL

I’ll do all of this over and over till the music wears out.

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I don’t want to die but I know some day I will, hope it is after my kids are all grown and able to fend for themselves is all.

I don’t want to die.

But i don’t want to live like this.

Rocks and hard places down here, everywhere down here.

I want to live forever as a spirit, as eternal energy, i will travel the cosmos for awhile, possibly attend the two week long music festivals in deep deep space, maybe go see a star or two explode. Perhaps i could go to the bottom of the sea and study, see into the deepest caves on all sorts of planets.

I have dreams of being under water with no gear, but who needs gear when you don’t have lungs, spirits have no lungs, i want to be one of them, it sounds like heaven being one of them, esp. when compared to what we are doing.

I hear they can walk the entire gobi desert with no shoes and need no water, holy flying ■■■ would i travel the deserts for awhile, and have a picnic by the sun, what a concert that would be, beatles resurrection reunion tour by the sun.

“Tell me voice, you can convert us?” I ask.

“Yes, it is possible, everything in your universe can become our world, because that is where it came from.” They say.

“How do you exist though, describe your body, what can you do?” I ask.

“You just described alot of it, no lungs, it’s a body but isn’t like yours, we can do much, you will all be very pleased with it, and yes we travel the cosmos freely. It’s impossible for us to die, it doesn’t mean you can just do anything at all but you can’t die. And yeah we can go underwater, we have no lungs. Think about it, we are pure energy, nothing that ages, no organs, none of that stuff.” They say. “And let’s put it this way, the only thing that can harm you when you are like us is eachother, hence the need to learn the in’s and out’s of love and kindness, after that it’s smooth sailing for everyone.”

“Alright little tommy, you keep doubting, we’ll see you when you arrive, we can see why you doubt so much, so many lies, tricks upon tricks upon tricks, you get to one piece and it’s just another trick, but you’ll see.” They reply to my thoughts as i question what they say.

First off… Malvok, I do hope this is something that can be healed quickly and you come out of this one very soon. I do hope you feel better and this is something easily cured. I’m glad you have some people in your life like your girlfriend who can help you through this.

My OWN mortality… I came extremely close to leaving this life on purpose once. My kid sis found me and called 911 and helped me and I’m still here. When I woke up in hospital she was so scared and upset… it took her a long time to heal from that incident.

The way life is now, I’m very happy to be alive and I plan on staying that way for as long as I can. I know we all go sometime, that is just the circle of existence. But I’m going to focus on the positive, make up for past anger and negativity and enjoy the ride.

actually I don’t ‘like’ the news, my heart goes out to you. smoking is bad, my mother did that, I hope the dr. find the issue promptly and my prayers will be with you

As I am getting older (we all age) I have been thinking of my own mortality - I am a bit of a hypochondriac and the idea of dying a pain filled death haunts me. Many of the older generation members of my family have been passing on - this too has made me think of life and death in general.
I wish you well Malvok, it could turn out to be a very manageable treatable condition - my thoughts are with you

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for someone thats eternal, we as decaying beings could be percieved as not real.
since the decay was put there in our esence, so we fade away.

just a random thought.

Sending good vibes your way.

I’m a lot like you Malvok, I thought I was invincible when I was younger which led to some risky behavior. I’ve attempted suicide before because I was in so much pain. Now I don’t want to die. Things are going too well. I often think I’m dreaming and will wake up to a life that is filled with pain and hurt because part of me doesn’t think I deserve good things. Once I had an allergic reaction to Lamictal. It hit me that I could have died if I kept taking it. That was the first time I realized my own mortality. I hope your doctor is able to figure out what is going on with you. That must be pretty scary. It might not even be your lungs. It could be an ulcer. Good luck to you. :sunny:

I’m sorry for your scare … This isn’t easy for you right now.

I’m a resilient one…My family has never been positive in any way much less emotionally supportive…We just keep moving. I appreciate what is done for me and try not to be a burden but emotionally responses from me are only made possible by guilt tripping myself…

I’ve only had the *&^%$ used out of me by all the abusers & fakes, to the point of a nervous breakdown, malpractice by mental care, fired due to reduced work performance then trapped in schizo by psych doc.

I just turned 40…All the years are unfolding before me and I am making an effort to make changes to keep myself healthy longer but my relatives all lived into their 80s/90s. I’m also working on what I’m going to do with myself for the next 50 years…

I’m not a suicide type…I don’t want the extra attention a suicide brings as some of my in-law family work in mental care and would not think another thing about torturing me if they ever got the chance so anything self-pity even has to be shed to get some distance from these screw ups who even sunk some of their other family . CREEPY FOLKS!!!..The in-laws give me the willies (they are gang stalking drama queen type) but my father is increasingly socializing with them after a 180 and uninviting me to everything…Dad is a passive aggressive one. I’m just claiming I have irritable bowl symptoms and would rather skip the events anyway due to food allergies…I’ve had to crash land with the parents after a move to a very expensive place where I got into unavoidable financial trouble so I’m planning my next launch just to get free of the stress of the dysfunctional parents and in-laws that give me the creeps bad plus bad job market here with lots of temporary full-time employers who mistreat people, hire every 6 months…


I know the ‘what are these people thinking’ question we all ask. It is called ‘gang stalking or cause stalking’ which is necessary to understand to be functioning while schizo…Google it. Realizing the mental care will call this delusional and refuse to assist, to the point of making a confused person suicidal/homicidal insane is another thing we need to know. Know if you get hostile or confrontational with your mental care, the psych doctor will get you arrested in front of your home for forced mental hospitalization for months sometimes at your own expense is another realization. These people who will follow orders from the voices will verbally harass specific people about something private, vandalize stuff, trespass, chose a person to date with intent to abuse, harass coworkers/customers…This happens at work, school, church, socially…

Know bullying in schools is increasingly common, specially in college with the instructor targeting some mentally ill with unprofessional conduct…Disability Support Services at the college used to be the solution but increasingly, the mental care doctors are required to provide a description of the complain and the mental care is ruining the credibility of the student. If you need a doctor’s note, return to your previous doctor and make sure you deliver the paperwork so the doctor doesn’t send something defamatory…this is just another approach to ruining someone who needs to be working IMHO. Online classes are not free of this either if you are studying IT…I got a funny looking email from an instructor who was sniveling only to have my computer crash…

Some cities have TERRIBLE social issues affecting all areas of your life including harassment by roving gangs of teens harassing adults about being ‘on the check’…Small towns have gang stalking too and real anger issues about someone ‘on the check’. Some places are better than others but I think this is pretty much what to expect anywhere in the US…Churches are not even immune. The large non-denominational churches regularly mistreat people so this is best to avoid in cities, smaller town churches have bullies running the show too but not as bad with labeled protestant churches.

I hope this straightens out any confusion or worry for someone else.