the therapist just kept guiding me thru meditation… but i couldnt focus cos i have anxiety attacks…
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I see… but did your PPD get better with time?
the meds helped…
Ok. Besides AP and anti-anxiety, did you take anything else?
i used to take antidepressant… anyway… i dont wanna make this thread about me… back to Anna…
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thanks Andrey for asking it in my place 
I am quite sure that I should start to feel something from the meds one day… some lift, idk…
My doc was asking me often if my mood is better on them…
maybe I am ill since too long and that’s why I dont feel anything on them for the moment…
the other way is to continue paying efforts but I am tired for this too often… Ive tried in the past - to be around people, to socialize but I was always dumb, depressed, jealous…
Yes, I believe Anna1 has BPD and she needs therapy. But she doesn’t want to try…
In the meantime, her situation hasn’t improved since a year ago. Her posts are always saying the same things 
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My mom shouts at me cause I torture her since years too, Andrey… I feel bad about this too now… I try to give her a break. its all I can do now…
I started the ‘‘real’’ trt in march 2016. Before that, I was just switching meds which was a mistake for getting better for my doc… She said finally to wait… so its been an year and a half on a trt. maybe its not enough after 2 decades of illness, idk.
The meds already help you with paranoia, anxiety, compulsion to not eat. But they can’t help more. The rest is up to you.
If your mother doesn’t want therapy for you, she is making a huge mistake. You have trauma from childhood, and also probably BPD. Therapy could help you a lot.
U might have ptsd anna…!11
Anna,
I encourage you to browse this website about borderline. You will find testimonials, advices, treatment options etc.
http://www.borderlineblog.com/bpd-resources-personal-stories.php
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thank you for the link Andrey. There are some good things there, I read them now :).
@anon7022989, how much time your meds put to work? And did you consider that you made a lot efforts besides the meds or meds helped you a lot?
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@Anna1 struggling with sz all your life with 15 diagnosed is going to make you weary, tired. Your mom shouldn’t shout at you. Obviously she doesn’t have the answer but you need her support to live independently. Perhaps she is also tired… Keep trying, anna and give yourself a break sometimes, huh? I haven’t found the exit door yet either. Maybe there is a trapdoor somewhere waiting to be discovered by medical science. Until it is, like you, I do everything I can to live with it. You are a good person and deserve to give yourself a break from this damn illness. 
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yes but it hurts physically too @thedeepestdream. Its quite bad even when I am around my mom… it just hurts inside me cause I am a ball of rage, jealousy, some deficient thinking too…
I am definitely dumb now, really. plus, I am bugging on the negativity sometimes in front of my mom. I find myself a bit better than before but I am still quite hard to live with…
if its not the paranoia it will be my emotional dumbness. if its not this, it will be the depression… pfff. ok, I stop myself here cause I spread only one thing, yes.
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now I am in some kind of situation of those ‘‘conflictual’’ thoughts like Andrey called them… I am like crucified, I dont know what to think of the reality. is it common in sz?
In AA they call that “judging your insides by other people’s outsides”. I recall seeing a picture of a emaciated hand in a larger hand, and the caption read, “So you hate your life; there are people who dream of having a life as good as you.” I don’t want to minimize your suffering. I know it is intense and it is real. I think that as time passes you are likely to find more contentment and happiness. That is what happened with me. There was a time when I felt very much like you, but with the passing of time my life became better.
I would agree with him. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Are you going to go outside and be awesome or hide in your room some more? Your choice.
I didn’t sleep a lot this night. and idk but I was a bit too sensible even when I talked to my mom. I am sensible to the fact that she lives me like hopeless case I think after all these years, gnia…
I didn’t say that I completely agree with this… There was definitely a failure in the system… you would have gaven up too if you knew the self hatred and the inner conflict since the age of 10…
like I said, for the moment, I live myself more like an animal than a human so I still cant see the light no…
I suffocate in the presence of my mom even for god sake… I have to hide from her too you know…