I am a bit desperate about my recovery

What kind of social support system do you have? That can make a big difference. Do you know of any psychological support agencies that could help with that?

I like even their placebo effect still, butterflyy. You also, take yours. I am almost sure they help you more than you think :smiley: .

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Thanks Anna :)))

Idk why crimby, but all these psy environments make me worse… I was in support groups before here, in the daily activities of the hospitals and i only saw people who were never getting better idk… My mom says that i am bad speaking like this, but the mental circles are depressing here… I live in east europe also, not in usa… But i still have some friends left. Maybe i could go out with them if i want, but i am still not ready for this.

You are my social support for the moment, crimby, do you understand this?.. Well, i missed too much in my life. Being ill since kid is terrible. My family doesnt believe in me at all anymore. My sister called me a zombie once, cause she knew me only ill…

I went out today to pay the bills of my mom. But I still had my feelings of fear all over my body… I feel the fear even in my head. It feels like my brain is not calm. I even lack some breathe by fear… My chest is tight, my stomach too. I wonder if I calm down my brain, ill feel sane faster?.. Or its a real problem who will take me years to recover on… I close myself immediately still, when I hear the word ‘‘disabled’’. I feel this word for me as some '‘darkness’… Maybe its not a paranoia, but some complex, idk, what do you think? I hope also i’ll recover one day on my talk… I miss the good verbal fluency, I never had it fine this tbh…

Hi there, dont give up! I couldnt read all the replies cause my phone somehow doesnt want to school down. I did want to encourage you to keep up hope. I know what it is like to feel hopeless and it truly can change!

Sometimes small changes can make a huge difference. Someone i know felt horrible and isolated for 25 years and hardly left the house. They made a few minor changes (benzo withdrawal, buying what they call a scoot mobile here) and now he is happy and goes out every day. Some other people i know achieve the same by getting a volunteer for walks/visits or getting a ptsd-dog. For me, starting basic supplements (calcium, magnesium, zinc) seems to have made a big difference for mood, pms and anxiety. And getting daily activities too.

Can you and your pdoc think of small, step by step changes to make? Even something tiny might suddenly start turning things around.

I have no choice, marian. Ill continue my efforts till i am alive wow, thanks :grinning: . But i still wish to recover, not only fighting and trying… In fact, since my diagnosis i started to have this ambition to work on my thinking. But i ruminate so much, mostly paranoidly and anguishly, that i am like crazy here - for instance, i am in front of the tv and i say to myself “think, think, think”. I make this dumb thing, cause i want to see if it will help me to regain a saner thinking. But even this is not normal i guess :neutral_face: . Its good to think a lot, but we need a peace of mind too. Which i dont have still. So i wonder if i my state went really bad from so much isolation time or its another delusion of mine, that i am so bad. And it can get better faster?.. I have problems with my emotions too. You who are wiser than me, tell me - thoughts and emotions are linked isnt it? My pdoc says i lack calm. Me, i am just afraid that i have some severe mental and emotional retardation and i still struggle to believe that meds help, but dont trust me on this. Its just my illness who makes me sceptical…

@Anna1, I do think you need to make more of an effort, but you seem to be channeling a lot of effort into brooding over the same thoughts again and again. That is completely understandable. When you feel down, a natural reaction is to try to think yourself out of your problems. However, it’s often not the solution to your problems, but rather a contributing cause to them. I think you’re stuck in a depressive mindset, and that your passivity and brooding is preventing you from recovering.

Also, remember that passivity and depression can make your cognition worse. If you do recover, your cognition could return to normal.

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Im in no way wiser than you. But I do think emotions, thoughts and activities are linked. I know when i am isolated, i ruminate and zone out a lot more and feel depressed and broken and obsess over things. It is a logical response imho. Ive even read stories of saints whose mind went awry in the isolation of a monastery.

I sometimes still do feel worse, my mind is still a mess, i too zone out, so i dont have this magical cure. But being active and connected helps to force me out of my own mind and into life more.

Just start with baby steps…things wont magically clear up, but it will help bit by bit. What you do now 3 times a week is great! :slight_smile: Keep up the good effort!

I agree with @anon9798425 too. I dont think you can solve this with brooding. Can your pdoc or nurse make a sort of an action plan with you?

Don’t be hard on me. I am actually discovering a thing - I start to notice, that my ap gives me a bit more paranoia even than the illness itself. So don’t be hard on me. I am almost sure the Zyprexa makes the things worse in the evenings.
But I am active, pals. I clean my house, I occupy myself with books, tv, some games. I see one friend at my house and I am doing outside some things for my mom.
But the paranoia should stop one day. But really, I really find that Zyprexa gives me some bad physical side effect plus the paranoia in the evenings. Even my friends knew me outside more before the meds…

Hey, im sorry, i didnt mean to be hard on you or judge you. I know how hard it is. I meant to encourage you to keep up the hope and active stuff, dont give up. It helped me a lot, so i was kind of hoping it would help you too. Im not very handy with written words…sometimes it comes out differently than i mean.

I know living with paranoia constantly is just though. What does your pdoc say about the zyprexa thing?

Well, we cant switch aps anymore. The other aps it was even worse. But its possible to have more paranoia on an ap, they are strange meds. But its still manageable, its just for some 1, 2 hours in the evening. My pdoc says if this bothers me too much- to take it right before sleep.

That (before sleep) sounds like something to try…

We said that it’s not paranoia since you don’t have persecutory delusions. Why you use the term paranoia?

I even start to think, that I was more paranoid for years exactly because of the aps tbh… Now I stopped switching the meds and I guess I need time to get used to them and not to feel them like this anymore :confused: I functioned for years with dilated pupils because of the meds. This means I was in fear. I am really convinced, that they can cause more paranoia, I had the exact same experience on clopixol, Seroquel, abilify… Ill try to continue like this, yeap.

Could be, some made me more paranoid too (abilify), or more depressed (haldol), which also caused the brooding and rumination in me. Could be. Id say: try the advice of the pdoc. Hope something works out. :confused:

I’m getting desperate too because I see myself getting worse

Yeap, I think its the meds now. But the Zyprexa was the least bad for me, so I keep it. But the meds probably made me worse in the thinking now too. Ill try to correct now this by stop trying all the meds on the market wow…

Yes, med changes can mess with your head too. I have heard some people argue the meds started to feel better to them after a longer while.