I’ve been curious to evaluate myself and I do see some similarities in how I was progressing when I researched these conditions. I guess I’m more leaning to SzA due to having mood issues but it came after my psychosis began with the whole hallucinating and some delusions.
Lately I’ve had issues organizing my thoughts to make a good string of words for writing though…and can’t seem to piece together thoughts, it’s frustrating.
Feeling so disorganized and making good responses is a lot of effort.
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It’s like getting up to the checkout stand and seeing your shopping cart chock full of stuff you didn’t put in there.
…and you left your shopping bags at home. Your car too. Gosh darn it, your wallet too.
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Sounds like me to a T when I do things. I go to do one thing and forget the very thing I needed to do.
Man is it frustrating!
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It’s like:
*Trying to clean your house or do work and frequently switching tasks because you can’t focus on one thing for too long
*Trying to tell a story but forgetting your point and forgetting basic words. So, most of your story consists of “um…” and long pauses
*Going into a room to grab something, forgetting, grabbing something else, wandering into another room and looking around confused, returning to where you stated, remembering what you needed to do… Repeat…
*Forgetting the reminders that you made to remind you
*Forgetting entire conversations and movies
*Believing something so strongly and being so baffled that other people think your belief is “irrational”
*Crying about anything even remotely sad
*Or the opposite: seeming apathetic about important life events
*Being convinced that any “constructive criticism” is a personal attack, everyone is talking about you, and always being defensive because of this
*Finding “legit logic” within “illogical” thinking
*Feeling like your mind isn’t your own
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Psychosis to me is like being in an abusive relationship. You know it’s unhealthy for you and damaging and it’s ruining your life and you want to leave, but then it tells you how special you are and that it has the answers to everything and you forget all the bad stuff and want to go back…
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Can I say you basically described a majority of me?
That’s so scary and accurate!
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That’s pretty accurate, too…as sad as it is.
Some times even if my voices were mean, I always felt like they were friends? It is so toxic yet I believed every word they said.
I wrote a poem about it a while back…
"My psychosis is my lover
He protects me from the world
Puts me to sleep with stories
Of how I’m such a special girl
No matter he can be abusive
Possessive and controlling
The gift he offers me is too precious to refuse
Escape from all that burdens me
In his twisted arms the world is hidden from me
He covers my eyes so I don’t have to look
When I’m confused he comes up with wonderful stories
To entertain and assuage me
At times I say I’m leaving him
Our relationship isn’t healthy
But when push comes to shove I’ll go running back
Into his warm and smothering embrace
They ask why I don’t silence him
Why I don’t run away for good
But what do they know of him?
My devoted partner since childhood?
He loves me and I love him
Our fates forever intertwined
A life without him I can’t imagine
Without my Escape I’d surely die"
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I liked that, you should do more poetry.
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It’s sucky, but at the same time, it’s nice to hear that you relate. Makes me feel less alone. 
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IT really is, but also that’s why I like you all here, you all know what it feels like to suffer by these sorta things and I definitely don’t feel like the black sheep among others who haven’t suffered it.
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Hey, black sheep are the cutest!
**EDIT: WHY NO BLACK SHEEPY EMOTICON??? 
You’re right, I forgot about that.
So are you saying we’re all cute then?
Yes!!! 
15151515
Oh dang! Totally don’t deserve the praise!
Haha, thank you though, I appreciate it actually.
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Sz is like having an alien in your brain controlling you - and torturing you. The meds shut him up but sometimes he’s still there. And sz is like getting lost in thick fog and like deathly silence.
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Sza for me was like I needed to drink cuz life was so painful sober. And then if I wasn’t drunk it was eerie. Silence feels more silent than silence. Noise seems louder than noise. People hurt you a lot. Theirs lots of stigma. And it feels everybody is smarter then you and dumber than you at the same time. It ain’t a fair way to live. Then you recover and ppl start being nice and you get pisst cuz why weren’t they nice when you needed it most?
Sz is not like anything. It’s a false existence, lived out with absolute sincerity but lacking the validity of a life without psychosis and delusion. It’s having a jigsaw puzzle for a brain, but too many pieces are missing.
I’m on a mountain top, all alone. I look out and all I see is a thick fog. I know my loved ones are out there somewhere beneath the fog. I hold out my hand for them but no one can reach me. And I stand alone, forever trapped by this fog. Deafening rumination making my head throb, constant dissociation making my body numb and paralyzing fear keeping me there all alone.
It’s lousy. The pay is low and the hours are bad.
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