Its been hard for me to find people who might share these experiences so I wanted to see what people thought, and I’m not sure if what Ive been experiencing is some sort of dissociative thing or actually relates to Sz/SzA- still having a hard time accepting what Ive been diagnosed with/dont hear some of these things from either side and would like to talk to people who may relate or have insight
stuff getting taken out of context, like objects or words (hard to explain) but look at objects and not recognize what they are/they look totally absurd and disconnected from surroundings
feeling like physical stuff is not really “there” at all/is empty hollow even if I reach out and touch it
feel like my memories are not mine/belong to someone else
remembering only facts “about” memories but not images/feelings of being in memories themselves
objects/plants seeming to have ill intentions/moving although they are not moving/communicating to me through moving almost…like…the only metaphor I can come up with is like having invisible “strings” reverberating between me and objects that get “plucked” at certain frequencies and it means stuff though I cannot put it into words at all- or is it normal for things to have vibes like this?
think people know what I am thinking/read my mind. I don’t like actively think this or know I am when I do I just retroactively realize I don’t get why I thought x person knew this absurd thing I was scared of them knowing
feeling like other people can get inside of my head and rearrange my thoughts/thought train
thinking other people are hollow (like the objects above) and like puppets projected as some sort of interface to mess with me, like Im in a simulation
feeling “stuck” in my body like im in the back of my head and cant get to the “surface” to speak if I really want to say something
the stuff about objects being hollow/intentional making me feel sick/scared of being in certain places at times, either in a room too long or sometimes afraid to go outside, though the outside thing has gotten better since winter left
If I think of more stuff I might add it in an edit. I know there is more but Im forgetting.
I’ve also got a borderline personality disorder diagnosis and experience a lot of dissociative symptoms, especially feeling like I’m not in my body and things around me aren’t “real”. It’s very disturbing when I’m doing things like driving.
For me, these type of symptoms, are now labeled PTSD with secundary psychotic symptoms. They speculate psychosis is more like a dissociative symptom for me.
I started to dissociate as a child. When abuse started. I remember describing that everything felt unreal and I wasn’t really there, back then. This got worse later. If I’m in such a dissociative mood, everything feels unreal, memories feel distant, it feels like my self is not at the surface. Sometimes this is better and sometimes worse. Like right now, I could easily tell you all the details of my life story…or tell you what objects are around me…if you really wanted to know…and I can tell you the fitting emotions…but it is like there is a glass wall between me and them.
My psychiatrist also feels like maybe my psychosis is going back to a child part that carries the trauma. With the memories and emotions suddenly very much on the surface. And magical thinking, like a child that age would. In my western culture we learn certain rational ways of seeing the world. Plants do not communicate, objects don’t have good or bad vibes, people can’t read and influence your mind, etcetera. If I go back to a child state…this later rational layer falls away…and I’m back to a much more primal (?) way of experiencing the world…as a young child would. Or someone in a different type of society. That is only one theory though. And I don’t know if it makes sense.
I did not think of the child thing before, but I think you maybe are on to something because it does make a lot of sense. It is definitely a way children experience the world/or other peoples in different cultural contexts do. I also remember things being like this (though not as overwhelmingly negative) when I was a child, at least the objects seeming communicative and alive thing. I also mostly think it is probably true…but in talking to professionals there have been scares that this is very delusional. I am not sure where the line between beliefs (but backed up by experience?) and psychosis is with this stuff, for me at least. I don’t want to presume that you consider things like this you experience to be true.
Thank you for your perspective, though, it definitely gives an additional lense to consider this stuff in and maybe talk to therapist about.
I personally do not believe everything I experience in this child-state is automatically true. I also believe it is not automatically untrue. Or that my psychiatrist or society is always a good judge of what is and is not true.
As an example: scientists write stories now about plants communicating when they are hurt. With certain chemical signals. Journalists write that down with headlines like: plants cry when they hurt! People say: so interesting!
If I tell my psychiatrist my plant is talking to me…he does not say: so interesting! He sends me to a ward and gives me haldol. Upon which my plant will stop talking to me.
I do not think it impossible I am hypersensitive in psychosis and pick up my plants “vibe”. Maybe it gives off chemical stress signals because I do not water it, or it smells in a different way, or whatever. I also make bizar stories around it though, in psychosis, that I am quite convinced are not true.
A more in between approach with this stuff makes sense. It sounds like that experience really wasn’t fun, though.
I have seen those studies coming out by the way, they’re very interesting! I also agree with you scientists don’t have all the answers. I have a hard time not slipping into thinking that due to how accepted certain narratives are, but they are working off of a base of cultural assumptions like anyone else.
I’ve wondered a lot about this in conjunction with what people experience in psychotic disorders but probably shouldn’t go into it too much more as that’s treading into the discussing and debating philosophy territory.
It could make sense to both have psychosis that does need treatment but also for that to make you sensitive to/see other things that are actually there. Out of curiosity, do you feel like you are better off now receiving treatment that diminishes that? (Also no pressure to answer if you’d prefer not.)
In short: no. I thoroughly hated the medical approach. It does not make sense to me. I felt violated. And I felt they aggressively stripped me of essential parts of who I am: my feelings of love and connection, of spirituality, my sensitivity, creativity, sense of self, physical health and libido (in the broader sense), etc. It was incomprehensible to me, why they found that acceptable…and refused to treat the underlying problems instead. With diet, therapy, creating safety in my family system, etc. I feel they diminished me. Rather than helped me grow.
I’m off meds now. They gave me thrombosis. I tried again lately, but got the same problems in my leg.
I do use medication as needed to curb it when I am extremely fearful…and that is fine…I’m happy about that…but I do not wish to use 24/7 meds. If there is a way to avoid it.
If I just come out of terror-mode…I’m speaking differently…and regret not using more medication. Now I just come out of the hospital with this leg stuff, which was terrifying…so I’m a bit more critical of haldol.
Off meds I feel my surroundings and the world around me like I were dreaming colors look strange there is something that is not right about them and the world this began with schizophrenia in my case
Hm. That was a bit too angry. Sorry. I’m quite anxious at the moment…I’m fearful the thrombosis came back, but can only be tested in a few days. It makes me feel angry that they didn’t use other methods, rather than medication that caused such heavy side effects.
No need to apologize to me! It’s totally understandable why you’d be angry/anxious. It sounds like they just wanted to pacify whatever was going on as quickly as possible rather than treat you like a human being. I’m glad you’ve found a way of only periodically using meds that works better for you, and hope that you don’t actually have thrombosis again. It can be really nerve wracking to have to wait for an answer about stuff like that while having racing thoughts that something could be wrong.
Also I have not yet taken antipsychotics…I have ended up being fed Xans by my family that knock me out when I have been in freak out modes. I have also never been hospitalized, but I think I should have been probably. Up until recently I lived in a very restrictive situation where my family knew I was a bit crazy but my mother is also psychotic/doesn’t think she is and has all these narratives about outsiders helping. Long story short when I’ve had episodes I’ve kinda just been banished to a room for weeks/fed Xanax, which in hindsight I recognize as very abusive. I’ve taken other non-AP meds but they all had bad side effects and made me feel weird so I do not really want to know what APs would do. I have been considering episodically taking them though…so it is good to hear someone else does that.
I am out of that situation now by the way. I live on my own where I’ve arranged to feed someone’s chickens in exchange for living in their barn loft, which has probably resulted in not getting hospitalized when I possibly needed it. It sort of works out though since what happens when I get funny is mainly paranoia-based so I isolate myself. Now with prompting by some people I have started working with community health services to figure out treatment stuff. I’ve considered maybe hospitalizing myself if I can think to next time but when I think about it I will probably just end up getting force fed meds again and end up in a situation like you so I am not sure what the point is. I would like to be not medicated or only episodically medicated if possible. I think I am lucky as long as things don’t escalate that my symptoms are not so overwhelming all the time that I’d need APs all the time.
I wanted to preface this by saying that I am diagnosed schizophrenic, also with OCD, anxiety, ADHD, “depression”, and BPD traits. I relate to nearly all of these. I would think these symptoms are more psychosis related, rather than disassociation, to which I have experienced quite copiously. Whats been promulgated to me, is that thought broadcasting/insertion/etc. is psychosis rather than disassociation. However, I am no medical professional, I’m only a 20 year old kid who barely graduated high school; its all anecdotal.
I can definitely relate. My doctor told me its all due to dissociation, but it feels so weird being in this state. Nothing really makes sense and when it does it feels off.
