me I cant think right now so I dont know what it is… I made a crisis today, I am sad for all my life till now. I was never stable till now, never… and now I am 34 years old, fat, ugly, sick as hell, no periods etc etc. but whatever, ill struggle…
Sending a hugxxxx
i deserved it
i was wrong all the way
alternatively my sz was unavoidable because of that wrongness
yeah, sometimes I think it too for myself… some kind of punishment…
something like that yes
btw im 34 too 
Pure undeniable punishment for some things I did in my teens and 20s
but its relative too. cause I have some really big symptoms since kid… It hitted me even though when I wasn’t a bad person… I am too sad right now, I am fed up of so many sadness in my soul. I feel pain in my head too…
I don’t believe that illness of any kind, including schizophrenia, is a punishment. Illness really comes down to biological and environmental odds. Some people just get a better or worse “roll of the dice” than others.
Would you tell someone that it’s their own fault they have cancer, asthma, lupus, or MS? Mental ilness is no different. Its noone’s fault.
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i KNOW you are right @Moonbeam after all thats how i see mental illnes
but sometimes when i feel that “I am 34 years old, fat, ugly, sick as hell” i cannot but think its a punishment of sort
I think it is punishment for my sins, this is a personal belief i keep to myself. God wanted me to slow down and really appreciate the good things he gave me in life. So he took some of them away. In the next life we will all see the value of our suffering.
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I think it’s karma. Don’t ask me why, I just think about karma a lot. Maybe I was bad in my past life. Also, life has ways of getting you on the right track. So it could be that also. I used to hang out with people that are now in jail, so in a way I’m glad I got schizophrenia, otherwise I’d be in jail for some ridiculous crime.
Or maybe the karma will come in this life. When I was 15-23 I was pretty damn miserable. It’s slowly gotten better since 23, especially this past year. I learned to appreciate nature and conversation and have a better understanding of life than I would have had if I never become ill. And that makes me happier than I was when I was young. Yeah I definitely took for granted life for a while. My mom thinks I still take advantage of life but she has no idea what I think… I’m grateful for everything I have and happy. Maybe I give bad vibes I dunno.
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Nope. You can always say that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and I’ll go along with that and join in that I don’t deserve to exist in comparison to God. But I don’t believe it works that way. I did nothing to deserve the mental disfunction and suffering I’ve endured. I have a biological predisposition to sz and depression and anxiety, and the abuse/trauma I experienced triggered my brain to react in the way it did.
I will believe and worship God through it all and I will not blame God or myself for it.
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Superficially, I used to say it was simply fate. When I look at it further I realise it is the Providence of God. Either way, I have nothing to say in the matter. My first reaction was bitter disappointment and the usual ‘why me?’. With time I’ve come to realise God has my attention and I must tread this pah of joy-in-sorrow with humility.
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In the beginning of my illness, I was very bitter and angry.
Now I have come to accept it.
What else can I really do?
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its been 15 years and I’m still bitter and angry. the anger has been turned inwards at my dysfunctional brain and bad decisions that lead to me getting this illness. The depression is so bad now that I’m trapped here and can’t function…
I’m sorry MG
I hope that you start feeling better in 2017
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I drugged myself into a psychotic disorder if it weren’t for the drugs I would be fine today and out there living my life. Its a shame that all the studies on pot use and psychosis came out after the fact. Maybe I would have taken things more seriously. But yea its punishment for forsaking my mind.
I could never accept something like this. It never stops punching me. If it could give me ten minutes of peace, maybe I could accept some of it.