Hello,
I am brand new here. I have been struggling with my mental health for over a decade. When I was younger, 13/14, I thought, truly believed I was, a human vampire mix. Like a vampire with a soul. I thought I had special abilities and I wanted to drink blood and kill/hurt others. A lot lead up to that, not talking about it only made the delusion get stronger and grow. I believed that for over a year, ended up far down the rabbit hole. I don’t like to talk about it and even here feel like I can’t say all the details.
My mom found out after I told my best friend at the time. I only told her because I wanted to drink her blood. I was at this point where I lost reality completely. I told my mom it was made up and like a role playing game after she screamed at me for hours and asked if I really believed it and told me there’s no way I could believe such a thing. I never really got help. My only friend stopped talking to me. I eventually snapped out of it after a long time. I don’t remember how but I was able to get back to reality—it took over a year and a half.
I learned to keep my “crazy” to myself. I never knew not everyone heard voices.
I’m now 26 and it’s getting unbearable. I’ve spent weeks locked in my bathroom; camped out with minimal food and sleeping in the tub to stay safe. I thought I was beyond all that; I haven’t had a break from reality like that in years; although the voices never went away.
Now I am a mom to a toddler (my beautiful baby boy) and a wife. I work as a social worker and case manager. I have a whole life. The voices are getting worse. For a while it was only the few in my head, like my own voice (which everyone has) and the narrator and the other two. Now I’m hearing things outside of my head. I hope that makes sense. At the gas pump the other day I heard someone or something inside of it. It was making horrid noises and then I heard someone tell me to light a cigarette. (I didn’t, I know that would end badly). I had to stop and leave.
I had an argument with my husband about him going out for his birthday without me. I remember having a conversation with someone and they told me he went out with them. I was so upset. We argued and a lot about it. It almost ruined his birthday. I looked through my texts and phone records and I didn’t talk to anyone. No one came to visit. That conversation was with myself.
As time goes on I know I’m going down into a bad place. Im confided a little bit in my husband and told him I saw one person once who wanted to diagnose me as having schizophrenia but I was young and pulled out of the therapy. I told him I thought I had “powers” when I was younger. I’ve been as open and honest as I can.
I think we had a conversation about my mental state now. I feel like there’s pressure in my arms and that one voice I’ve fought to silence for years I hear him saying to release the pressure and it scares me. I’m irritable with our son. I have no patience. I don’t want to leave him but I find myself thinking about just going to sleep curled up with my baby. We could be saved from everything so easily. I think I told my husband this this morning but I don’t know if it was real. I’m afraid to go to the local emergency room, even though if I were one of my cases that’s what I would advise. I’m afraid they’ll take my son (another paranoid issue I know there are people trying to steal him. He’s just so perfect and I don’t deserve him) away from me. I’m afraid I’ll lose my career (I work with intellectual/developmental disability and mental health as well as addiction and substance abuse). I can’t bring myself somewhere because they’ll separate me from my family and Ill never get to see my baby again. They won’t let me have another baby. All of these things are in my head and it’s getting harder and harder to talk myself down and remind myself what is real and what isn’t. I’ve been using every technique I’ve learned or seen over the years and now nothing is working. I’ve been struggling for over a decade. I can’t get help; not in my position I’m in now. I don’t know what to do or where to go.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling! I’m very proud of you for reaching out! Are you willing to talk to a psychiatrist?
@Kim33
I’m so sorry, but I can’t stay awake and talk with you tonight. I’ll check in with you tomorrow!
@FlyingPurplePeopleMeeter thank you.
Finding someone has been difficult. I know a lot of the locals in a professional manner and I don’t want my career ruined.
My biggest hurdle is following the steps I’d advise someone else to take. I can’t convince myself they won’t relieve me of my parenting duties. It gets so bad I think they’ll force me to become sterile so I can’t have any more, or that they’ve already done that. I have fertility issues but I haven’t been able to wrap my head around that and apparently some of the conversations I swear I had with my doctor about this never happened. I’m slowly losing my reality. I am so scared of what would happen to my son. He’s my world. I’m half convinced my husband would take him away from me and they’d leave me and I’ll never see either of them again.
I’m diagnosed sz, on disability for the medical only so I work too and I have three kids that no one is trying to take away just because I am mentally unwell some days.
Your child needs you to be well and have patience with him and with yourself. Getting better isn’t a quick process. Please see a doctor
@Annie2012 I’m afraid I’ll be considered a danger to myself and they’ll come remove him from my home. Was there ever any threat to your child when you tried to get help?
@Kim33, In the 80’s and 90’s, I was a severe threat to myself and my little boy was never removed from my home throughout my single parenting of him. And there was no discussion of my even using contraception let alone sterilization. I don’t know if it is any different today.
I think you might be paranoid.
Hey. I have schizophrenia and I’m getting my license to be a foster parent today! Not only will they let schizophrenics keep their own kids, they’ll even voluntarily give us more!
But you need treatment. Right now, you’re not being who your son needs you to be. Go to the hospital. It’s really scary and embarrassing, I know. I worked in behavioral therapy for six years, both before and after my diagnosis. Doctor patient confidentiality applies to caseworkers and behavioral therapists, too. We’re allowed to seek help for our own issues. You know what doctors are good. They’ll probably be glad to see you.
But right now, I’m sorry but it sounds like you need the hospital. They’ll put you on meds, and see what makes you stable, and then send you home. Your husband can watch your son in the meantime. Do you have any close family or friends who can also help?
I’m sure you know from your time as a caseworker that psychosis never goes away on its own. It gets stronger and stronger until it’s uncontrollable. Early intervention is the best thing you can do for yourself. The sooner you get treatment, the sooner you will get better and enjoy your family and work life again.
How are you doing today? @Kim33
No. None. They know that people can parent on this. Unless someone reports you. Just be careful what you say. If you lose patience with your kid tell them you are noticing an increase in aggression rather than that you yelled at your kid. Don’t lie but don’t put all your truth out there.
Psych doctors know when a person is genuinely trying to be better. No one would take your baby away for that unless you are a threat and you find yourself potentially becoming a threat to his safety if you don’t get help
I am trying to talk to my husband. We are looking at dogs to adopt with our son. A normal, happy family weekend we hope.
I am hanging in there.
I went to the hospital several times after my son was born bc of intrusive thoughts and nobody ever threatened to take my children away. People understand mental illness more than they used to. I would worry more about losing my kids if I didnt get help
I am so sorry for your struggles. I can relate about your 13/14yo delusion. I had a similar one–vampire/werewolf hybrid. I was deep in that one.
You’re safe in this community. I hope it helps you.
I’ve been thinking about your story all night and all day.
I worked full-time with low income families at an elementary school for ten years. I married and started a family. We have two toddlers. I volunteered in the community and served in ministry at church. I traveled overseas and enjoyed many vacations.
I’ve been in counseling for four years. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective two years ago. I’ve overdosed three times in the last five years.
My worst nightmare came true, and a social worker called child protective services on me after an overdose. She was worried my children were being neglected, not abused. CPS told me I was a great mother and there was nothing to worry about. They weren’t opening a case, and they weren’t keeping a file. It was just a routine check, and they found NOTHING. It continues to haunt me. It was almost four years ago.
I say this because if your worst nightmare come true and they look into you as a mother, they will find, like me, a great mother who cares about her child. They will find someone who is trying their best and giving their all. They will find someone willing to do anything for their children to give them their best life.
You need help. Your child and your husband need you to get help. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m sorry to say this, but it will only get worse. That’s the nature of the illness.
I am honestly scared. I called a few places and left voicemails but it seems like no one is taking new patients or will even return my call.
@Kim33 I was scared, too. My counselor and psychiatrist are 1.5 hours away because I refused to seek help in the area. I was used to being the one helping.
What percentage does your husband know?
Dear Kim,
You are in a difficult situation right now. You have fears and paranoia which are probably symptoms of an illness. You don’t have insight into a lot of what you are afraid of being unreal. It is easy for people who are well to see. Your kids won’t be taken away from you but it seems you need some time to talk to doctors and get on some medication that can stabilize you. That is what it takes for most of us.
Best wishes… You can make it.
I’m going to call around on Monday and try to get an appointment with someone for an evaluation. Seeing as how I was never diagnosed I need to take the first steps. Thank you all for sharing. I needed to hear other parents say it was ok. These delusions are not going to get the better of me.
@lousieG He knows a decent bit and I’m trying to let him in on more and more. We had a long talk about he can help by not taking what’s not real and mixing it with reality. He likes to compare comics or television (like that guy looks like a white walker) and I’ve told him I don’t always handle that well. He had no idea until today that simple things could have a profound effect on me. I’m slowly opening up. Most of what I’ve told him is generalizations. I’m embarrassed to tell him the trusty because he doesn’t understand it entirely. As I open up he tries to make it make sense to him and I get frustrated. He keeps trying to use technical terms and he’s googling 
He says things like “it’s like lucid dreaming” and I get so mad because it isn’t a dream. It’s what I’m living. I can tell you that it isn’t real but it is real. I don’t know how to make that make sense. I understand things are impossible but they’re still real to me. It’s so hard to explain it. I have a very small amount of negative symptoms and he’s asking me how I’ve achieved so much if this is what I experience, why don’t I have cognitive symptoms that he can see, there’s a whole lot of questions I’m struggling to answer and I know he just wants to understand me.
He wants to know what kind of “first aid” he can do to help. If he should try to “snap me out it” or “play along in universe” and I’ve told him I don’t know. I feel like he shouldn’t involve himself at all.
It’s all so complicated and confusing and he’s expecting me to explain it all to him when I’m struggling to understand myself.