Now I don’t mean pre-sz… I mean who I was just 8 months ago.
I was composed (a lot of the time at least) casual and reserved. Head totally addled by confusion and hallucinations…
Now I feel like an emotionally vulnerable wreck. I know that is an unappealing quality and that just continues this perpetual decline where I’m losing confidence and becoming more dependent on things I can’t count on.
I didn’t ever have a chance to feel worn out… Couldn’t allow myself to pause… But now that the worst is behind me I just wind up feeling bored, depressed, and alone.
Met a lot of amazing people this last year. Particularly this one girl who wound up waking up all kinds of nonsense and then eventually fell silent. I could continue to try and reach out to her… but I don’t feel like thats the right thing to do. Wound up giving her all the power and it was totally unwise.
Trying to find the strength I used to have… But its tough… Takes so much patience.
Anyone else go through a phase like this?
It just leaves me cycling through really ■■■■■■■ bad logic… And while I’m healthier than I’ve ever been its like something is missing. Like I had something and was taking it for granted… I still don’t even know what it was.
I’d like to go out and try and meet people, but in this state it’d probably only do me harm.
It’s like my sense of self is gone. My relation to the world. All the grandiosity evaporated.
I guess it’s might just be a mild passing depression.
But my sense of understanding is totally gone. I started to see the boundaries of what I thought I knew and constantly find myself in situation where I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Where is this heading? I think I need to get back into school, but that’s a huge financial comitment. Ideally I’d move to wichita… But I think I want to hang out here until next january… Just to not rush anything.
Wait until the Spring and if you’re still in a funk, doc to your Doc about a possible anti-depressant…or sooner if you feel the need.
I’ve settled into a bit of a ‘drift’ lately myself. But I think once this lousy month is over, things will pick up. Hang in there, chum. You’ve got a lot of smarts and a cool way about you. Think of all the positive shtuff you encompass when you’re feeling a bit blue.
I did what I could to change the scene up… I’m over here at my brother’s kind of reprocessing things in a different light… Instead of the kind of thinking I was having in my apartment.
I agree with Patrick. I get seasonal disorder every winter and take Lexapro for it from November until about March. Then, as soon as spring starts springing, I quit the antidepressant and am ok.
You’re just in love. When you risk so much by letting yourself need another person, it can be very painful. You opened yourself up to all these emotions, and there’s no healthy way to shut them all off again. As someone who used to have a heart of steel, life is much better with emotions that without them. You just have to take the bad with the good. I am slowly learning how to handle the bad ones. I’m not very good at it yet, so I have no advice to give. Sometimes they knock me down for months. Heartbreak is the worst emotion out there. Eventually you learn how to keep going. I wouldn’t say I have ever healed, or gotten over it, but I’ve learned how to live with the pain and still find happiness elsewhere. It just takes time.
i have similar feeling lately, just empty , indifferent to everything, no motivation. takes every ounce of energy to do anything with my work. been sleeping for most of the day lately.
Yeah… I did so recklessly. It had been a while since I had found the potential to feel all that for person. I was pretty open about it with her, probably not a good thing.
But that portion of the human experience really does show a lot about the self. I thought it was important.
I’ve settled out most of it… And the girl is still out there, I just want to get back to who I was when I drew her in.
I was a trooper back then… Now i got no clue what I’m living for…
I also can see now that this girl isn’t really what I need. I’m a homebody… Likes to communicate. The differences between her and I are pretty alluring as she is someone I can learn a lot from, but if she doesn’t care the way I need a girl to care then all that is moot and it’d be better to just make a frienship out of it. If that’s even possible for me.
Some people thrive on the chaos of things… I can only speculate that it helps them feel excited and free…
That aint me though. I just want a girl to go lay in the park with… Maybe have a few beers then head home.
I’m bored, confused, lazy and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing 80% of the time. But those little things aren’t going to stop me from doing what I want to do. Heck, I woke up today depressed and I thought my life was over for the umpteenth time. Then I took a walk. Then I drove to see my case worker. Before I went in to see him, I sat in a chair outside in the warm sun and sipped a soda. A pretty girl walked by me and said “hi”. A few people other walked by. I went in and sat talking for 45 minutes. On the drive home I stopped and got lunch. I got to my street and I walked home and relaxed and made some phone calls, I said "hi’ to some neighbors.
The day turned out to be pretty good. I’m living proof that you can walk through life clueless most of the time and have no confidence or self-esteem and still work and enjoy life sometimes. Have a good one Azely. I wish I could help you but it’s normal for life to suck. Life goes in cycles. You’re just in a bad cycle right now but it doesn’t have to be permanent.
Some things you mention I can relate to certain periods in my life… I wonder, you used to isolate yourself quite a bit from people to help you cope with the symptoms, right? For me, some of the things you mention go hand in hand with isolation. Like loss of confidence around others, depressive-like states and boredom. Such typically trigger in me reflection on them, which in turn does not make them any better really. When I notice I am bored and start reflecting on that, this triggers for me cycles of negative thoughts, lack of purpose and makes the boredom felt even more.
In some literature, schizophrenia is characterized by an excess of reflection. This goes hand in hand with not taking things for granted. For as soon as you start to reflect on something you used to take for granted, it becomes questionable and uncertain. I think the sense of self you mention is such a thing: when we present ourselves to others confidently and without reflection, we take for granted the kind of person we take ourselves to be. An excess of reflection on where we stand etc., makes for uncertainty on who we are.
Such establish more loops of reflection that end up making more things uncertain to us, constituting a vicious circle of uncertainty/lack of confidence. As said, for me this is tied to isolation. When I am comfortable hanging around with friends, I am less prone to reflect on the self etc. which amounts to me taking for granted who I am, such is implicit in how I act at such times. This is a good thing. Maybe, even though you feel it may harm you, it would be time to socialize a bit more. This is also a skill that needs training and maintenance. So maybe not so much meeting new people, but interacting with familiar ones where things go more smoothly first.
Yeah man. I went to my brother’s yesterday. Spent some time hanging with him and my cousin. Helped change my perspective, trying to maintain that mindset here at home now, I’ll head back over there to keep it alive.
I do socialize pretty well. Small talk with cashiers. Got a drinking friend and she’s over here a couple nights a week. Except she is a horrible influence, but when I need a friend she’s always been there so I try and reciprocate.
It’ll all balance out. This isn’t nearly like the kinds of depression I’ve faced in my past. It’s just sort of lacking direction. I’m still moving forward though. There is a lot of life stuff I had to take care of this month. On that note, this phase does kind of always set in at the second half of the month.
Thanks for all the feed back folks… I’ll bookmark this for when I’m having hard times. I feel better today. Got a good amount of sleep. Didn’t have caffeine yesterday… and that seems to be what really exacerbates my frustrations…
