I think the hardest part of this illness is the fact that once upon a time we were all just ordinary people and that’s where we’re all trying to get back to - SELF.
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“ordinary” ,
OR
" Who You Were Meant To Be (?) " ,
OR
“who are you ?” ,
OR
" What’s tha Point (?) " ,
OR
B E YOURSELF (!!!) ,
"who tha ■■■■ is that then (???) ,
" Hmm You Tell Me , Cause Onli You Can (!!!) " … ,
:
ALSO ,
Don’t Try To Please Everyone All Tha T(Y)me … .
OK I’ll try not to please everybody all the time, just to please you.
Hmm ,
I See Where Thus Is Going ,
OR DO e(Y)e (???) …
Way out in the water sink or swimming…
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OR Perhaps ,
" Way Out In tha Water , See It Swimming " - Tha Pixies
Peace Be Unto You All (!!!)
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Makes sense. Feel similar to you as far as getting back to self. What helps me is reminding myself that I am still the same person, just a bit older and have more experience with situations not many have to deal with. It isn’t exactly how I expected my life to turn out.
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This forum is the most socializing I do besides talking to members of my family once in a while . They know I like to be alone with the confusion going on in my mind because of my brain . It’s just the lesser of the two evils, for now, to choose from 
. I either suffer from too much isolation or I have to endure others input along with my own constant problems of personal conflicting (delusions), but I can still manage normally if I am not in too much discomfort with my back problem.
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I couldn’t agree more with your analogy of the illness. I truly find myself wanting to turn back the hands of time. I use to want to be more outward with my feelings and thoughts without regret. Now i feel people don’t receive me well at all. My relationship life is ruined, and feels like its over without repair, I cant find anyone that has any understanding, its not like I cant get into a relationship, but more that the pool of people are made up of oh so familiar expectations that I despise.
People say to me “but you’re still the same person” and I can never explain properly that I FEEL TOTALLY DIFFERENT POST PSYCHOSIS - then I read that each time a person experiences a psychosis they in fact lose grey matter in their brain - so maybe the reason I can’t find myself is because I have brain damage? I don’t know?
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So dealing with people seems to be a difficult experience. People i interact with use my diagnosis as the stem for all bad that happens to me. I find this to be difficult. But how should i think about it. That is just one of the major concerns or a little light into the bigger concerns I have.
I’m not the same person at All… post break.
I make sure not to be… I didn’t like that guy.
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