I didn’t have anxiety issues until after my first episode. I didn’t have anger issues until after my first episode. I didn’t get intrusive thoughts until after my first episode. My depression became much worse after my first episode, now being horrendously painful rather than just being a very heavy emptiness. And then there’s all the ptsd stuff too, dissociation, flashbacks, etc, though I don’t deal with that as much now because I feel I’ve accepted the past for the most part. I lost my ability to lucid dream every night after my first episode, for a while I lost the ability completely and then later I gained it back but it’s irregular and I’ve lost all my confidence in them now. I didn’t have self esteem issues until after my first episode. I didn’t lose confidence in myself until after my first episode.
My first episode feels like it completely changed my brain. I was given a totally different dysfunctional brain after my first episode. I went from being this really confident and optimistic person to being a nervous wreck, helpless and pessimistic. My fight or flight response went up 110%. Psychosis is a very powerful and scary thing.
I also developed anxiety after my first episode. My temper disappeared. My motivation to do almost anything has also disappeared. My ability to meditate (and trust in it) has disappeared.
I feel like I am disappearing and this ball of anxiety and “crazy” is all that is left.
It was a humbling experience. I went psychotic in a pretty public way…really weird dealing with all that. It’s certainly slowed me down on the pills but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I no longer obsess about things. I don’t think crazy stuff mostly…it’s always give or take but I don’t think it’s a bad thing post psychosis.
Episodes unbalance brain chemistry. Toxic shock from psychosis can leave you feeling very low afterwards. That’s why It’s important to get help fast. Neuroplasticity can off set a lot of problems post-psychosis but there are lingering consequences of multiple breakdowns, I think.
After my first real episode, I knew I couldn’t trust myself any more and that made a powerful impact on my life.
Still does. Up until that point I really thought I was in control. Now not only do I know better, but everyone else does too.
That fear of knowing my mind can turn on me in new and unexpected ways keeps me respecting my illness and always trying to improve. Never again will I neglect things or just allow everything to downward spiral like that.
After my first episode, I seem to have gained more insight. I actually seem to gain more and more after each one.
As frightening and miserable as they are, they help me to realize the extent of my imagination, and I’m getting better at recognizing and sort of bringing myself out of them.
I’m just lucky, I guess.
I also gained intrusive thoughts and more paranoias, but I’m getting better at living with them.
I lost motivation to study further and lost confidence in myself. My first breakdown happened just after I left high school. Bad timing - my future was ruined.
I went into remission but five years later my motivation and self confidence left me again after my relapse. To this day i still have very little ambition and confidence in myself.
My early years were spent being very shy and my dad did everything for me even book my appointments. I couldnt call my gp to book my appointment can you believe that. my illness hit and slowly I became more independent… i got on meds and my confidence grew… and he passed so I had to force myself to become independent…
In my first episode, I was extremely suicidal. My ex husband had just sent me a letter telling me that unless I went back to him, he was going to have nothing more to do with our son. That just floored me. I was inconsolable after that. I wanted to die. It was a lie, of course. He did have interactions with his son, but, at the time, I believed him.
It changed me from being outgoing to withdraw within a week. I lost my sense of who I was, where I belonged, my whole meaning for being tumbled into a strange unknown place. So unexpected.
I agree it ruined my confidence in myself as i thlught i was doing well, then out of no where my symptoms would show. I coulnt do anything or go anywhere without being prepared for problems. I lost trust in myself. Very disapointed