After 10 years i still struggle with this even when i’m highly medicated and some of the symptoms have waned. How did you come to the conclusion that you are schizophrenic? Was it a determination made by a Dr. that you decided to accept, familiy, friends, or court system? What percentage of the time do you feel that you are actually a schizophrenic, sometimes, most of the times or rarely?
At some point in the hospital when I was sitting down with the doctors and my parents I got a “telepathic message” that said “he’ll be schizophrenic.” That must have been when I first connected the dots. Still have trouble knowing what real… The only way I’d really trust no one was telepathic was to be able to see their minds and how they operate, to see that they can’t see.
I think for a lot of us it comes down to “am I schizo? Or is there telepathy?”
I don’t want to believe this ■■■■ is real but my mind keeps it alive. I don’t really have a choice. Guess I could just talk like I don’t believe but I’d like people to know the ■■■■■■■■ I deal with.
The doctors (3 of them) says I was and the nurse said I wasn’t because I had an acting background. She harassed me in the hospital. True story.
But its been like that the whole way. 8 years now. My proof is if somebody is wearing red sock it means something that only us masters of the universe could know. But I never tell them that 1) because they wouldn’t get it 2) its top secret. The ivy league school doctors always up my medication cause they don’t think God think I important enough to guide me. That’s good enough for social security. The c averages are convinced I’m commuting fraud. Off my meds, neither one will let me brush my teeth alone cause I can’t handle it. I can’t wait till Jesus is sitting on his thrown even if I have a nose bleed seat.
After many months of being bullied and humiliated by the voices I was hearing I became angrier and angrier at them, I called them names, monsters and compared them to fascists in a moral sense. I was heavily invested in some philosophy at the time that said that reality and truth comes down to interpretation, and I concluded from that that I could choose my own interpretation. As a way to get back at the voices and to become invulnerable to their comments, suggestions, orders, etc. I decided I not only had to interpret them as inhuman in a moral sense, but that the worse thing I could think of doing to them was to interpret them as not being agents or subjects of any kind at all, but merely phenomena.
I already knew about the existence of psychoses at the time but had been in denial laughingly for quite a while. I returned to that idea and it seemed fit to interpret these phenomena as a disease because of the nasty distress they were causing. It took about two weeks for this new interpretation to really settle. I went about collecting memories of the things the voices had said to me and started to work out the inconsistencies and drew the conclusion that if it were to be subjects of some kind, they would be so outrageously evil and incoherent that I could not recognize them as rational agents, and would not want to recognize their irrational agency in a moral sense, for it would be too bad. I did not want to recognize an evil so great as a moral agent, but only as a mere phenomenon.
Once the interpretation of psychosis settled in, I felt really bad and afraid and I fell back into the believe that they were subjects after all since they were nice to me at that time, saying it wasnt that bad and all. Then the whole humiliation thing started again and I had to work my way towards the interpretation of psychosis once more. I dug deep and found motivations for wanting to believe that they were telepathic subjects, like my need for social contact and a desire to feel special. I decided those needs could be changed or satisfied in other, better ways and this time I was ready to want it to be psychosis wholeheartedly. I once even thought about praying to a god for it to be merely a psychosis rather than actual subjects doing this stuff to me. But me wanting it so bad was sufficient for me to interpret it that way. From then on it became increasingly easier to neglect the voices, they had no authority over me anymore. I waited a few more months before telling anyone about what happened, finishing my thesis in the mean time. About four months after I converted myself to psychosis, the dx of sz officially followed. I think that because I desired it to be a psychosis I have less problems with the diagnosis than some other people have.
I read somewhere that Jesus was most likely schizophrenic and I thought I was Jesus at the time so I was like “BOOM…THOSE DOCTORS MAN. THEY KNOW WHAT THEYRE SAYIN!” pz
So do you think it is God’s work in some way?
Exactly! How did you know? Only he could know the whole story.
I guess a big part of me accepts the Dr.'s diagnosis because most of the time i submit to taking meds although a lot of the time they do not work for me fully and although without wanting to be offensive i don’t want to be one of those person’s who takes 6 plus different meds still with little impact on curbing the symptoms.
That’s not offensive. I take issue with over medicating. I’m very pro medication but I believe they should be adjusted at least every three months.
My voices have told me that it is God and at the beginning of my psychosis i believed the same but after 10 years and realizing that my symptoms got significantly worse after writing the FBI plus behaviors by the voices that i feel are specifically the kinds of actions that some military religious, or law enforcement type organization would use i stay conflicted. i never considered that it could be gangstalking or mind control until the last 2 years or so. I think most people settle upon the Dr.'s diagnosis because its easier to accept rather than to constantly be at war with yourself about the source of it all. Furthermore to believe it is God you have to submit to the idea that God may not be or is not often patient, benevolent, compassionate, loving, and forgiving.
Well he’s certainly kicked me in the butt a few times ouch!
What are your symptoms I’m curios to know because mine are debilitating.
I didnt decide on the diagnosis, my dr did.
Its funny people ask me that and I freeze. I have anxiety that cripples me from doing thing. We were talking about that idolation earlier. My best friend describes it as being paralyzed. I guess that’s my best answer. I’m told the voice of God is just a voice. The big one is trouble with social norms and extreme paranoia. I fixate a lot though I am becoming more conscious of it.
Also bi polar like UPS and downs.
Its interesting because a lot of times when SZ’s are asked to describe their experiences that description generally falls under being persecuted. I sometimes have problems recalling all of my experiences but persecutory would describe most of it. I have been told by the voices that I have been ‘marked’ by God and so have they they themselves although after confiding in a minister years ago i was told that i am mentally ill.
Me too. Yup marked. Scripture backs that up. The “afflicted” are pretty important to God. That’s for sure. Like rock star important. I have given up on trying to figure him out. He says no sin is worse then any other sin to him in scripture. Mind boggling.
Have you confided in a minister about what it means to be marked because it is used in several conflicting ways in the bible. Here are the quotes i found from an online bible source.
1 Samuel 1:12 | Read whole chapter | See verse in context
And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the LORD, that Eli marked her mouth.
Job 22:15 | Read whole chapter | See verse in context
Hast thou marked the old way which wicked men have trodden?
Job 24:16 | Read whole chapter | See verse in context
In the dark they dig through houses, which they had marked for themselves in the daytime: they know not the light.
Jeremiah 2:22 | Read whole chapter | See verse in context
For though thou wash thee with nitre, and take thee much soap, yet thine iniquity is marked before me, saith the Lord GOD.
Jeremiah 23:18 | Read whole chapter | See verse in context
For who hath stood in the counsel of the LORD, and hath perceived and heard his word? who hath marked his word, and heard it?
Luke 14:7 | Read whole chapter | See verse in context
And he put forth a parable to those which were bidden, when he marked how they chose out the chief rooms; saying unto them,
But on my meds its the UPS and downs that tell me I’m sz or something like it.
I’ll shoot a pm on it.