I think I knew even before I was diagnosed sza (back in January 2015). I was struggling to work in early to mid 2012 and I ended up having to quit that job after only 8 months. I was out of work without disability payments for 8 more months, then worked just under two years somewhere else. Halfway through my last job, I was hallucinating figures in my office and hearing voices all the time. I was deeply paranoid about my co-workers plotting against me. Something was seriously wrong.
My previous pdoc insisted on psychotic depression, but my sza symptoms still roared even when my depression was under control. In desperation, I got a new pdoc for another opinion. She said it was classic sza.
I had previously been treated with large doses of depression meds and small doses of APs, but the new pdoc reversed that formula and I started to slowly stabilize. I went on long-term disability from my last job, which I really needed. When I got diagnosed sza, everything seemed to make sense, and it was easy for me to accept because I was so grateful to finally have the right answer.
The large dose of Haldol kept my voices at bay, but not my paranoia, so there was still room for improvement. Now I am on a low-dose of Zyprexa and low doses of Lexapro and Lamictal and I am back to normal (as long as I stay on my meds of course). It’s been a long time getting here though. I never had a problem accepting my sza because I already suspected it on my own.
A couple weeks before my dx i read parts of the dsm. Night before i went to the hospital i heard voices for the first time. I was less sick then and when they finally stopped laughing at me i thought to myself “fk, i think i have sz or something, this isn’t right”. I find that early insight helpful when i have doubts.
But honestly i still struggle. But i think accepting that there is stigma, and people hate you or are scared of you without even knowing you -accepting this helps. Accepting that theres nothing fun about sz. Accepting that your life will be filled with more suffering than is normal.
My advise, accept the parts of sz that dont have a label, then eventually accepting the dx will seem easy.
Thank you so much for your testimony I appreciate it a lot
I feel like I’m having a awakening too right now and want to explore it. It’s a extremely strong sensation. I havent stopped taking my meds but the thought did come to mind.
I don’t know I just feel like I’m on to something and can’t shake it
It really focused the mind and I had to just get on with life and move on. It has been a hard road with lots of relapses, but mainly I keep my head above water.
Key to preventing this kind of thing becoming an issue is trying to reduce stress as much as possible.
When I get stressed it all comes back to me, and I struggle to even eat or take my meds. Luckily those times are fewer and further apart, but they still happen.
It really sunk in about a year ago when I found my hospital record in a letter telling the story of my second hospitalisation. I had no idea I was so sick that I didn’t make any sense to other people. That was scary to read.
I alternate between believing my diagnosis and not - sometimes I think it’s just imagined other times I know my brain has been taken over and my eye is a projector sharing my thoughts and that I am turning into plastic
I grew up with a mum who was pretty detached from objective reality & raised me with her beliefs (some mainstream, some uniquely hers). I remember reaching an age where I started to realise the difference between her world & the “world of the majority” & I started routinely performing reality checks (subconsciously) to help me differentiate between the two. I even went off & studied physics at university in a kind of rebellion effort. Anyway, when I started getting psychosis symptoms about 2.5 years ago it was really weird because I had all this stuff happening to me but I also had all these checks in place. So I was always kind of AWARE that what I was experiencing wasn’t “real” but of course that didn’t make it FEEL or look or hear less real. Anyway, when it finally dawned on me that maybe I couldn’t handle it all on my own with my checks & balances I went to see a doctor & he gave me an sz diagnosis. I remember thinking as a scientist “oh that makes sense” & I still feel that way even though I don’t think about it as a disease so much as a clinical explanation for how my brain is wired. I dunno…it’s complicated because I kinda feel like a fake schizophrenic in that regard. I know it is very much an illness for most people but I really just can’t think of it that way for myself. The things I experience that are labelled “schizophrenia” are just who I am & I kind of resent the thought that I might need to be “fixed” of it.
Don’t get me wrong though, there’s so much of what I experience that is very very difficult & sometimes humiliating. I’m sure many people (including my doctor) would call it an illness but it just feels more to me like a very sane response to the insanity that is being alive. And who said I was entitled to a “comfortable” life anyway? That is why I get resentful.
3 weeks after I started hearing voices I told my dr and he said I had bipolar with psychotic features. At that time I accept d I was sza. And 2 months later I applied for disability which was approved 3 months later.
Everyone is a little different but it had such a profound effect and I was hallucinating all day that that sza seemed like the only reasonable option